I have a wife with secondary breast cancer in both lungs.She is 4 treatments through a 6 treatment regime of chemotherapy which has shown remarkably good results so far (75% shrinkage in both tumors),although the side-effects of the treatment have been very severe.My wife tells me i am not being very suportive and she suggests i should post an entry on this website “to see where i am going wrong”.
I have been to every hospital appointment with her and i always stay by her bedside when she is having the six hour treatment.My sons or i cook her meals whenever she wants them and we share the housework.I pushed for her to be treated at the Marsden instead of the local hospital.We collectively make sure that there is always one of us with her at all times and i personally try to reassure her the treatment is worthwhile and we should keep fighting the disease.I have completed hours of research on the internet to try and find alternative treatments.I just don’t what else i can offer.Are there any ladies out there who can advise me what else i can do to make my wife as comfortable as possible.
without your wifes take on things it is really hard to comment,from what you say you sound great and without being mean , i was widowed 8 yrs ago my hubby was 38 and i wish with all my heart he was here to help me through this but maybe i would be moaning at him if he was, i guess we dont realise how much someone is doing whan we feel rotten but as i say it would be good to hear from your wifes point of view too … good luck xx
Hello Husband
It sounds like you’ve been fantastic at all the practical stuff and generally ‘doing’. However, sometimes the practicalities can take over. Maybe it’s emotional support that your wife feels she’s missing out on?
I may be totally off beam, but a few random suggestions for you to think about…
It’s surprising what a hug and an ‘I love you’ can do.
Can she be totally open with you about her fears and frustrations, or does she feel that she has to put a brave face on things?
Does she feel that she has to be continually grateful for what you do for her?
With you and your sons doing so much, and this wretched disease attacking her body, maybe she feels as if she’s lost control over her life?
I’m sure that others will be along soon with more thoughts. Keep up the good work on the practical front.
Dx
Has your wife actually specified what you are doing wrong? Or are you supposed to just KNOW (Ha ha, the usual female, “well if you don’t know then that’s the POINT” thing?? 
) I’m assuming if you KNEW then you’d DO something about it.
Well, from what you’re saying there, you sound like you’re doing fine to me.
You know, my Mum had bowel cancer (unfortunately she didn’t make it) and when she was told she probably wouldn’t live more than 3 years and didn’t have shrinkage etc, she went through a whole gammut of emotion, a lot of which was incredibly negative and bleak. She got angry, none of us could say or do anything right, it was agnoising for everyone.
Maybe shes just feeling very lonely despite having people around her, she may feel very depressed, useless, out of control etc and perhaps is taking it out on you all.
Why don’t you ask her for specifics?
This must be very difficult for you, people dont always realise the effect it has on those around them too.
I snapped at my OH when he was twittering on and on about something that, to me, was really not worth getting worked up over and I didn’t even have the energy to listen to him properly, I snapped and said “I really couldn’t give a sh*t, shut up, I’m too tired for it”
Whoops.
My Mum died 3 years ago, now I have cancer, it’s a very very tough lesson to learn, but it does give you a whole new perspective on what having cancer is actually like when its YOU going through it.
Everything for me feels heightened, I’m more touchy, I feel very alone as noone around me REALLY knows what it’s like, they’ve never had cancer. I sometimes feel very clingy and just want babying, other times I just want to be left alone with no rhyme or reason.
Didn’t somebody end up chucking a pork pie at their other half for some reason or other? Unfortunately women are very good at expecting our men’s balls to be made of crystal and for them to know what we’re thinking without us giving them any clues.
I think a heart-to-heart is probably in order, but I also agree with the hug and expressions of affection, those really matter. There are a couple of threads on here from other halfs in a similar position to you and there have been various suggestions you might want to think about to see if they’re appropriate for you and you wife.
Practically you and your sons are helping your wife in every way possible.I should think you are finding it tough particularly if you are working as well.I have just shared your post with my husband and he thinks that you are doing everything possible.From the point of view of the one with cancer I would say be alongside her, talk with her about how you both are feeling. Give lots of hugs and reassurance that you will always be there for her. When she feels up to it go out together even if it is just to the garden centre or cafe. A small treat like a little bunch of flowers always made me feel a bit better. It can feel very lonely to be the one with cancer and scarey as you can’t escape it. Side effects are distessing and fatigue is awful. All sorts of things will be going through her mind. Keep communicating with each other and ask her how specifically you can support.
Hi Husband
This is a very tricky situation as we all need different things (and at different times) to feel supported. I agree with the others, it is hard to see that you could do more on the practical front and it might help to just ask her what she needs as you are struggling to understand. A couple of thoughts occurred to me as I was reading the tread though
Is your wife taking lots of steroids? These can really screw you up emotionally and this may be the cause rather than anything you have not done
Would your wife consider coming onto the forum herself, assuming she is well enough? My OH could not be more supportive (both practical and emotional) but I have still found great support and comfort from all the wonderful ladies on this site. As someone else said, unless you have had cancer yourself you really do not understand what it really means
You are a wonderful caring husband and I am sure deep down she does know this, there are a couple other men who post on the site, I think they are BigBloke and Jimbo and you might also find it helpful to connect with them so that you have some support yourself.
love to both you and your wife
DaisyGirl xx
Hi Husband
I can really only reiterate what others have said. You’ve said about the practical things you’re doing and that is wonderful. I do wonder though if your wife is talking about emotional support.
Everyone is different. When I got my cancer diagnosis I wanted to talk to my husband about my fears, I wanted to be able to cry when I felt down and when I did either of those things I wanted him to hold me. I wanted to know that he loved me and would be there through everything. I didn’t need or want solutions - there weren’t any.
As we don’t know your wife it’s difficult to comment. Perhaps a starting point would be to talk to her about what she would like from you. Choose your moment - when she’s not feeling too grotty and when you have time to talk in peace. She may be quite angry (with the cancer) and take it out on you and if you can, try not to get defensive. I remember having some times when I wanted to lash out at my lovely husband because he wasn’t the one going through the chemo etc. Sometimes it felt hard to be grateful for anything.
I don’t know if that helps at all. Take care and hang in there. Elinda x
Hello sounds like your being a great support but like the others have said without your wifes side of things its hard to tell.
All I can say is from my own personal experience, my husband has been great too, with me at every appointment throughout, ok not such a cook or domestic goddess but he has tried. This is all wonderful, but what Ive found is dealing with the fear & the worry I find it hard when I want to cry, those moments where we wake or trying to sleep or just trying to get on with some sort of normality, if my OH or our kids see ive been crying they tend to see it as me being negative & then I get the comments like come on you got to stay positive & to be honest it pees me off as how I see it im just coming to terms with the realities of this desease our hormones & general well being has had a battering all at once & letting go of all the cr*p when it builds up is a positive its part of it. I think thats possibly why your wife asked you to chat with us because ‘WE’ know all sides of this. Yes our partners children family & friends are wonderful & supportive but theres just that point at which we cant feel we can truly let go of how we are really feeling as we fear of upsetting you too much or making you feel like we have given up, and we haven’t its this part that we feel we can only connect with those who are going through it. Thats why places like this are great.
You too may hold back on your worse fears so as not to upset her but you know sometimes this can be a good thing & perhaps she may let you know how she is truly feeling, We know, but its not our place to say. All I can say is if your prepared for her to pour her heart out then you must prepare yourself to listen without adding ‘those’ comments that we hear so often from those loved ones around us … IT IS OK to show fear, cry, scream its not a weakness if anything it shows true strength.
Do call the helpline here too they too can help you both with the emotional support partners need emotional support too.
Keep doing what your doing as this in itself is support Im sure your wife is truly grateful for.
lots of love to you both
Mekala