So i go back on Tuesday, this time for a unilateral mastectomy and immediate diep flap reconstruction. Am feeling daunted by so many what ifs. What if I have a bad reaction to the anaesthetic and don’t wake up? What if the reconstruction fails? What if I can’t cope with feeling and being so vulnerable afterwards? What if I get a dvt or any of the other potential complications? What if I find it really difficult loosing a natural breast? What if I hate the way the new breast looks? What if I don’t have clear margins again? What if my partner finds it too hard? What if i just can’t fall asleep on my back? In some ways I just want to get in there and get it over and done with, in other ways I just don’t want it to happen. I hate feeling that I have no control over this. Just wanted to rant. Love and strength to my fellow travellers on this journey no one wants to be on.
Try it the other way: what if I don’t have treatment?
Haha, I’ve done this if I’ve ever had a wobble about treatment. I’d ask myself, “Well, what’s the alternative?”And we all know what the answer to that is.
I’ve got my surgery a week after you. I’m having a dmx with TUG flap reconstruction at the same time. It’s very daunting and coming up fast. Good luck to you. I hope it all goes smoothly and you have a straightforward recovery.
And what if none of those things happen? Just keep taking deep breaths and worry about it if and when they do x
You’ve reminded me of this poem 
Whatif by Shel Silverstein
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I’m dumb in school?
Whatif they’ve closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there’s poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don’t grow talle?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won’t bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don’t grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!
I remember having similar thoughts a year ago, just before my smx and implant. What happened was that it all went really well. I was touched by how kind my surgeon and anaesthetist were. I had no pain afterwards, only discomfort. I was glad to be rid of the cancer and the histology result was no worse than expected. I kind of like Perky (my new breast) and the slight asymmetry is a badge of honour. If anything, life is even sweeter for appreciating what I have. Minor irritations in life just don’t matter.
Good luck and I hope this gives you some comfort. Vienna x
Hi sending hugs and positive thoughts for tomorrow x
Thank you 
Well i made it! Hurts like hell but healing good so far. Got out of bed today, after a while felt really naseous and fainted then came round and vomited! But I know things can only get better from here on in. Thank you lovely ladies for your messages 
Rest, nap, then rest again!
Your quality of sleep will be rubbish so structure rest into your day to help you heal quickly.
Lots to drink, back to back overlapping painkillers and remember it takes a while for anaesthetic to clear your system. Anything codeine based (including cocodamol) makes me dizzy and nauseous due to my metabolism so check what you’re taking.