I am so tired of the whole damn aftermath of cancer. I am grateful I haven’t had a relapse, 5 years now since diagnosis. But I don’t sound grateful much of the time because I feel like the cancer and treatment and side effects of drugs have taken such a heavy toll. (bi-lat mx, chemo, rads, anastrazole). I had depression before this all started and so I don’t have great resources to withstand what has been thrown at me.
So what’s in my head now? I feel I can never be desirable again. My body looks torn up. I’ve had the recon 3 years after bi-lat Mx - but the skin colour doesnt match so my breasts look stuck on, and the scars stand out (2 years since surgery now). My belly scar is wide and purple-ish grey. My sex drive is flat, but if I wanted sex, my vagina seems to have shrunk and its too painful for penetration. My recon breasts look good when I’m dressed, the cleavage works. But I feel the appearance to a potential partner is misleading, beacuse under the clothes I feel I’m a horror and I can’t have sex. I cannot imagine I could ever have a relationship again. I also have 15-12 hot flushes a day.
I am so fed up it is hard to see a future. 18 months ago I lost my job of 10 years . So I have sunk lower into depression. I need to do stuff , get busy, get out there. But I lack confidence in my character, I doubt I have much of interest to say. I have been left or rejected so many times. I doubt this outpouring of self pity is any help. Who likes a selfpitying misery? I got by on my looks in the past. Now at 53 with a wrecked body and battered mind, it is hard to know how to move ahead.
I have to find a way though beccause oblivion isn’t an option. There is one person in my life who loves me unconditionally , as I do her, she is my step-daughter (tho im no longer with her dad, i still see her). The thought of someone having to tell her that I chose to leave this life, chose to leave her. Well. It stops me. Unbeknownst to her, she keeps me here.
So I’m stuck here, like it or not. So I have to find a way. How do I find a way back to a more joyful life, the climb is so long and high…
Ninianne, lovely, you’ve made the first step in getting yourself and your life back by posting tonight. We can’t fix you, but we can reassure you we do feel/have felt like you so you know you are not alone. Cancer is enough to deal with, but doing it on your own and losing your job as well is so much harder. Your step daughter sounds so lovely and loving, she clearly sees you for who you are ?.
I’m a uniboob and struggle with how I look and feel post mx, but I tend to feel defiant mostly! I know I wouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed if I’d had a limb amputated, so why should I have those feelings because my breast had to be amputated? Relationships are about so much more than sex and meeting the right person could reignite the spark for you. It’s also true that anyone you meet at our age (I’m in my early 50s) is unlikely to be a perfect physical specimen either, and anyone of substance who cares about you would understand and value the choices you have had to make.
You’ve done such an important thing tonight to reclaim your life, so hold on to that and build on it by making small changes. Speak to your GP (for counselling), join a club/choir/group and do something you enjoy. Your self esteem had been smashed by this horrible disease, but please don’t let it take the rest of you. You matter, Ninianne. Sending huge hugs xxxx
I’m definitely on the ‘defiant’ bench with T4T and I’m going to challenge you now. You say you are old at 53 - I am a pensioner and I leap up and down doing DVD’s every day (incidentally exercise may also help your depression.) Who says you have nothing to say - we replied didn’t we? You have someone who loves you unconditionally - brilliant (because some people don’t have anyone). As for getting by on your looks in the past. Hmmm! Have you seen the film “Shallow Hal?” As for the opposite sex, please point me in the direction of all the Brad Pitt looks you have come across because they sure don’t live in my neck of the woods! Who says you aren’t desirable? Stop doing yourself down. Any man who rejects you out of hand because you don’t have the body of a super model isn’t worth having anyway - sift them out and concentrate on the good guys because believe it or not there are still many of them out there. No, self-pity isn’t attractive but I guess all of us who have had to cope with this horrible disease have experienced it so cut yourself some slack on that one. Deal with the practical stuff as T4T has advised and just take one step at a time. You are alive and life is so precious. Let us know how you get on.
Hi Ninianne
We all feel your pain and frustration and the lovely ladies above are giving you sound advice. Sometimes the overall result of breast cancer and it’s treatment gets us into such a negative state that we don’t know where to begin to sort ourselves out. There seem to be just too many mountains to climb. I do not like the way my body looks either. I have 1 boob pointing at my toes and 1 just under my chin! My scar is livid and goes straight across my fake boob , Lovely look! I am not comfortable in bras so mostly don’t wear one unless I am doing something a bit smarter. I do feel self conscious about this but I guess everyone who knows me knows the score so Sod it!
My dog has been my saviour as she needs walking everyday and always gives me unconditional love . If you are not a dog lover you could still do the hour of daily walking to release feel good hormones?
There is a long thread on the forum started by a lady about painful intercourse with lots of good advice. That would be worth a read as there are lots of things we can do to reinvent our lady parts?
It would also be worth while seeking out a local menopause specialist as that is a lot of flushing after 5 years! They will often tinker with medications or advise things that your GP can prescribe. I gather often women feel depressed due to loss of oestrogen rather than actually having depression itself. I felt a whole lot better once I realised this as I could not work out why I was so bloody miserable when things should be getting better!
So try and work out ways to look after yourself. We are all gunning for you and you are certainly not alone. If you read through the forum threads you will see yourself many times over! However you will also see the outpouring of love,support and advice from all the other women who have walked in your shoes. Hang on in there. Much love kate xxxx
Hi Ninianne. I looked at your previous posts on here and found one that you wrote to another user who was struggling. You gave good advice, including ‘be kind to yourself’ and ‘good days will reappear’. Hang in there, lovely, and change what you can. We’re here cheering you on. Hugs, Tat xx
19-11-2012 10:56 PM
Hi **** So sorry you’ve had such a rotten time. Of course you feel bad, only natural. The first thing to do is to be kind to your feelings and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel without reproach. My background is: I was diagnosed 2 yrs back and had a bi-lat mx, chemo, rads, tamoxifen, plus all the usual ups and downs that entails. I dissolved in tears at my GPs and she said it would take weeks for me to se a counsellor and I had to wait in line like everyone else. Then, the next time I saw my chemo oncologist she saw how distressed I was and referred me directly to a clinical psychologist at the hospital who specialises in helping people with life altering illnesses. She has been amazing. I couldn’t have got thru with out her. Counselling is good if you just need someone to listen, but if you have stuff you need to untangle and work through I suggest a psychologist or psychotherapist. One last thought. If you really need someone to talk to when no-one else is around, The Samaritans are there, and they are not just for people who feel suicidal, anyone who is in need can call. It has helped me on the dark days to remember that nothing stays the same, everything passes - good days will re-appear. Take care, ****. Ninianne x
Hi Ninianne. I am so, so pleased for you You’ve made a lot of changes and, even if you think you have a long way to go, you are most definitely on the way, lovely. Starting is often the hardest bit of change and depression robs us of motivation and the ability to plan and organise, so you have already achieved so much in just getting started. I’m delighted you have joined a choir - there’s a lot of evidence that singing is a good therapy for depression and group singing also helps widen your social circle. Check in from time to time, I’d love to hear how you are getting on. Hugs, Tat xxx
You’ve made a lot of changes and, even if you think you have a long way to go, you are most definitely on the way, lovely. Starting is often the hardest bit of change and depression robs us of motivation and the ability to plan and organise, so you have already achieved so much in just getting started. I’m delighted you have joined a choir - there’s a lot of evidence that singing is a good therapy for depression and group singing also helps widen your social circle. Check in from time to time, I’d love to hear how you are getting on. Hugs, Tat xxx