Talking to myself on the rollercoater

Hi, I’m Karen , 41yrs old & it’s been one month today since my dx & I hopped on board this rollercoaster & I’m having an emotional day , washed my hair, been for a walk yet I feel like my tears are just ready to spring !! I’ve been talking to myself all day trying to gee myself up & be strong & positive but I’m getting on my own nerves so thought I’d write on here , sorry for the ramble !
Timing of dx was good really as it gave us time to get over the shock & enjoy Christmas & my WLE & ANC was on 28th so only new year was a bit of a no go , drain removed but normally I love to look forward to the year ahead however this time I was saying goodbye to one of the best & happiest years of my life & hello to 2013 & a hard year ahead ! I’m getting my results on wed 16th which I think has set me off today as the unknown is definately the worst bit ! At minute I don’t know what stage / type it is / was or my treatment & not had a MRI either , just my lump & all nodes removed so far due to results of my biopsy.
Sleep deprivation is either pain related or stress related & from what I’ve read so far I think it’s gonna be a while until I enjoy going to bed !
Anyway my daughter whose 6 is due home from school soon so gonna put on some perfume , makeup & a smile on my face & just to say thank you I’ve been reading threads for the last month & they really do help knowing your not the only one !! I’m hoping the surgery is over & await chemo & rads & will no doubt rely on your support over the coming months .
I’m telling myself that it’s ok to have an off day & let the tears flow once in a while , there will be good days , angry days, sad days , just hoping the 16th is a lucky day !!
Thanks for listening , Karen xx

Hi Karen

Welcome to the discussion forums, I’m sure you’ll find them a valuable source of information and support.

Whilst you’re waiting for others to come along, I just want to make you aware of our Helpline who are great to talk to if you feel you need to discuss things. They’re on 0808 800 6000 and are open weekdays 9-5 and Saturday 10-2.

Also, I thought you might find it helpful to order a copy of our resources pack which contains lots of information to help you understand your diagnosis, test results, etc. Here’s the link to the page where it can be ordered:

Hope you find this helpful.

Kind regards.

Louise, Facilitator

Hi Karen
Very glad you managed to have a reasonable christmas. You’re right, it is alright to have an off day. I’m sure most of us have several, especially in the ‘waiting’ stages. I had mx and snb on 12/12/12 and know now that my lump was 3cm, grade 3, er+, pr+ her2-. Of the three sentinal nodes removed, only one had cancer cells in it, so I’m now waiting to start chemo, followed by rads, then anastrazole.
If you’ve had clearance, you will be feeling more pain than I was, three nodes removed was bad enough, and sleepless nights/pain combined will make you quite teary. But it won’t be long before 16th, so I hope you have good news regarding further treatment. I don’t think you have an MRI at this stage in proceedings. Hopefully you may never need one. But good luck for 16th. Concentrate on that lovely daughter of yours. Take care.
Sending hugs. pg xxx

We’re all back on the roundabout waiting for the next lot of news. I’m also due my WLE results on 16th, Karen. It does help a bit to know there’s others all in the same position. I’ve had a very easy recovery thus far but am finding sleep difficult too (discomfort, hot flushes which have returned with a vengeance as had to stop my HRT , covers on then off tossing turning, bruisedness - plus the other side where I have an enormous bruise due to stupid fall 5 days ago), Like you, I think once we know what’s what for sure we can look forward a little more.

Hi Karen
Sorry you have recently been dx with bc - it is a bummer to put it politely! I hope you will find some help and support on this site from other ladies, and gents, who are going through a similar process and that they will be able to provide you with info on their experiences and help when you start your treatment. As you say, once the shock of the initial dx is out of the way, comes the fear and the worry of not knowing what’s next. I know you have a few days to wait, but on the 16th your team should give you the information you need on stage, type, grade and treatment plan. It can be overwhelming when they bombard you with lots of medical info, so take your time, make notes and ask questions. When I was dx last July, at the age of 43, I was assigned a Specialist Breast Cancer nurse, and I ring her up a lot to ask things and she is very helpful. Also, its difficult, but try not to google - stick to sites like here and Macmillan. And the BCC helpline are good to talk to.
I have gone through every emotion since I started on this “adventure” - from despair, anger, sadness, fear and elation too. I try to be as positive as I can be and I always put my high heels and warpaint on when I go to the hospital, even through the chemo, so I feel better about myself. It is important to me that the medical professionals see a person, not just a case history! I haven’t had my surgery yet - I am a bit of a scaredy cat about it actually - I am due to have a wire-guided WLE on the 1st February with full node clearance like yourself. I had chemo from August until December (neoadjuvant) and am currently taking Tamoxifen but will be stopping that soon in advance of the surgery.
Wishing you all the best on this rubbish journey! I did not put “get cancer at age 43” into my lifeplan, but am trying to accept it now, It is what it is and just need to get myself fixed so I can get back to “normal” whatever “normal” is. If you would like I am happy to PM you - this is a more private than the forums. Sending cyberhugs to you, you will get through it and out the other side. All best wishes Em x

Just wanted you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I was dx last feb, had a mx followed by chemo and rads, all active treatment finished at the end of Sept. Now on letrozole. I’d be lying if I said all that was a walk in the park, it wasn’t but you can do it and you will. I still have down days but the up outweigh the down. This forum is a good place to find advice, support and a place where you can let off steam. I joined when I found out I had to have chemo and found a thread with others starting chemo in April. It was such a life line at times, we all understood where each other was coming from.
All the best for 16th. Take care.
Gaynor xx

Hi Karen, youre entitled to have down days, it’s very hard not to after a cancer diagnosis. i was 43 when diagnosed a year ago today, my daughter was 4 at the time, i tried desperately hard not to let her see me cry but i failed miserably. i too had a full anc even though there was only a tiny micromet on one node, it can be very uncomfortable but will settle down. I had chemo and rads, now on tamoxifen, i coped fine with it most of the time and am happy that ive done everything i possibly can to be rid of bc once and for all. You’re in a truely horrible place now, the waiting is horrific, do give the helpline a call, they really are fabulous, even if you just need to cry.
Take care
Lydia x

Hi Karen
I was diagnosed in October, and have been on a rollercoaster since - waiting for numerous results, mastectomy, accepting delays, a surgeon making a mistake that resulted in further surgery, more results and chemotherapy.
telling my kids who are 8, 8 and 9, crying every single day and feeling consumed by the whole thing.
But we are strong and sadly as bc is so common, the outcomes for many women is good. it is a heavily researched cancer…
this forum is amazing - you will find support and companionship in your journey and you will find strength from all the people on here.
it is the club that no one wants to join (to coin a phrase). But we are all here and believe it or not we will come out having learnt some lessons about what life is about and what is really important and who our true friends are…( i speak for myself)
Big hugs…keep strong for yourself and your daughter … you have to!

Hi Karen,

You sound just like me 5 years ago, I was Dx in Dec 2007 and had my op on 31Dec, New Year’s Eve has never been the same since. I just think every year thankfully I am still here.
so yes I know what you are going through and how you feel, the journey is alwaydescribed as a roller coaster, one minute you are just about coping with what is being thrown at you, then something else makes you zoom down low again. I hope you get on ok on the 16 th that first appointment is always daunting, when they tell you what you have to face. so good luck. You will get load so of support from the lovely ladies on here, we all know and understand what it is like. You may have a hard year ahead of you, but it’s just a small blip in your lovely life, and in that year you will have many highs as well as some lows.

so good luck in your journey, and don’t feel guilty about ranting on here we have all done it. Don’t feel that you always have to be strong and positive, although to they ro say being positive helps your recovery.
I will bump up a poem for you I wrote, it still makes me feel raw, but so many people said it helped them. It’s called picking me up.
To celebrate my 5th anniversary, we went to Disneyland Paris just before Xmas, the first time I’ve been out the Country since my operation.

Sarah x x

During the last 3 years, with BC, I have found the Macmillan telephone helpline so good. If I need to talk I will ring Macmillan and ask to speak to ‘the wee Scottish nurses’, who are based in Glasgow. I have had such good support and information from them - and BCC! I hope things go really well for you Karen.