Has anyone had problems with teenagers since being diagnosed? I have a 15year old who is making my life absolute misery right now. Although the relationship was not great before, she almost immediate became out of control as soon as I became diagnosed. Short of kicking her out of the house I don’t know what to do. I’m sitting here thinking that I’d ask my husband to move out with her if nothing changes. I’m on tamoxifen now and don’t know if its contributing to overwhelming anxiety and feeling that it/she is making me very ill. I can’t believe that she is pulling all this when I have all this cancer c**p to contend with.
Sorry! A late night moan to whoever might be out there.
Sorry to hear you’re having problems with your daughter. I have put for you below the link to BCC’s publication for talking to children about BC. Could I also suggest that you give the helpline a ring as there are services available to help children whose parents have cancer, the staff on the helpline will be able to direct you to these services. I hope this helps.
Hi Arlo,
Whilst teenagers like to think they are really grown-up, I don’t think it takes much to rock their safe little world, and I am sure the fact that she is reacting to your illness, shows just how much she actually does love you (though she probably wouldn’t dream of showing it!).
I had surgery in Aug 08 (just after my daughter did her GCSE’s), followed by Chemo and Rads. My daughter seemed OK at first, but we gradually realised that she was not coping with the Lower 6th work. She said that whilst she understood all the work she had previously done, she could not seem to concentrate to learn anything new because of me being unwell. She is a very private person and had only told a few very close friends at school about me, but we had to get her to agree that we should go into school to tell the teachers about the situation. We also managed to get her to go to see a Counsellor at school a few times - as we have a very small extended family I thought perhaps it would be good for her to talk to someone completely separate from us. I think she quite enjoyed it (although she would not admit that it helped her) - they seemed just to chat and eat love-hearts!
I am now just on Femara - although I do have a few little problems (the usual joint aches and pains and other left-overs from the chemo and rads) - and she seems to be coping fine now.
I know it can be difficult to get the right time to approach teenagers, but is it possible for you, or your husband, or even her teacher to ask her if she would chat to a school counsellor (I think every school has some access to one these days). My daughter was easier to persuade because one of her friends father died and she saw a counsellor for a while, so it was not a completely new idea for my daughter.
I hope your husband, counsellor or perhaps an Aunty, can connect with your daughter and help her through this time. If you feel as I do, quite often it is enough keeping yourself together, and you don’t always have the strength and energy to devote to a teenager having a tantrum!!
If you want to moan/rant at me any other time, please feel free to. And if you think it would help I could ask my daughter how she feels and if she has any advice.
sorry to hear that Arlo, is she struggling to cope with your diagnosis. I have two teenage sons who have been really good since my diagnosis, the younger one has even got more affectionate than he normally was, bless him.
I remember reading on the forum somewhere that there was a teenage counselling service available, would she try that or is that not an option.
you have enough crap on your plate without your daughter being like this too.
It is awful having to deal with family as well as your problems sometimes. I think your daughter is just running scared - her whole world has just been turned upside down - she thought everyone would be around for ever and she has had a reality check that she doesn’t know how to deal with.
When my dad died my sister who was 12 at the time wouldnt let anyone sleep during the day so if my mum dozed off she would make such a noise or ‘accidentally’ wake her - and she wouldn’t leave her side either. It became a real problem for my mum.
I think its a case of calm talking and letting her know your still there and doing things together. It has been a shock for you but imagine your daughter thinking her rug has been pulled from under her. She is just reacting and you need to find a way to pull it all together again. Perhaps with Christmas you can all find a special time again - its a magical time of year.
I thought I would share my experience with you - my daughter (age 16) got my diagnosis right in the middle of her GCSE’s. She appeared to cope with everything really well and it did not affect her grades. I now realise that she was ‘blanking’ it out, which in a strange way helped her through her exams. Having said this she has been extremely difficult with me, very rude etc and we have now had around 3 big show-downs since I was diagnosed end of May. I can see that she desperately wants me to be ‘normal’ and is consequently struggling with this. I know deep down she does love me but she on occasions has been giving me a hard time. We have been able to talk about things but rarely - the last occasion was Friday when something had happened which brought it to a head. She told me that she felt that she didn’t have anyone to talk to - she feels she can’t talk to her friends, she said she doesn’t want pity, and also she feels she would get too emotional in front of them. She can’t talk to her dad (I am not sure why as they have a very good relationship), and her brother lives away at the moment. We did have quite a good talk on Friday which made her feel better but I still don’t know just how deeply this is affecting her. I have found that our local cancer trust do offer counselling, which I have mentioned to her. I think this might be the way forward for us.
I am not sure that this is any help or comfort - but like daisy do has said our daughters worlds have been turned upside down and it is so hard for them to cope with (it’s bad enough them coping with all the hormonal changes of being a teenager let alone this on top of everything else) - see if you can talk to her and if that doesn’t work maybe some help with counselling.
I do hope things improve for us all. x
I hope you are finding it a little reassuring to hear the experiences of others in a similar situation. Like Linbin I was diagnosed when my 16 year old was in the middle of GCSEs, my 18 year old in the middle of A2s and my 19 year old on a gap year in Thailand. Of course there is never a good time but I do think it affected the results of the 18 year old.
My 16 year old, a boy, has also been very difficult. To be fair their father also left us two years before diagnosis and while they still have a very good relationship with him being on my own hasn’t made dealing with all this easy, for me or them. None of them have wanted to talk about it in detail or ask any questions. I am a very positive motivated person and have tried hard to let them see this all the time. My son in particular seems to want to ignore the situation. Never asks or shows any awareness of when I have chemo or how I’m coping. He has also, however, exhibited real anger towards me which I think may be partly due to his inner turmoil at the situation. I also think it’s just part of their difficult teenage years.
I am very happy for you to let off steam to me at any time. Someome once told me that we had to forgive our children their teenage years…quite hard though isn’t it?
love and hugs
Lee x
My girls, a bit older, are much easier though they do just let me get on with everything unless I ask
Thanks for all your comments. Right now I’m struggling to get through the evening because I got so little sleep last night.
I’m trying to find out about counselling – phoned the school today although no answer yet and will follow up link above and what Maggies can offer. The trick will be to convince her to buy into it.
I think there is more to it than just the diagnosis. The timing with her reaching the age where she is going out to parties and getting interested in boys is just very unfortunate. She refuses to accept any boundaries and basically just does exactly what she wants. The ‘C’ word is like a bad smell. She makes me feel that its inappropriate to mention it.
Thanks for all kind words of advice, its good to know that others have had similar stories if not exactly the same and that I am going through.
So sorry to hear what you are going through. I watched my Dad going through cancer when I was a teenager, and I’m afraid I behaved in a similar way to your daughter. I didn’t love him any less, just behaved that way because I was angry at having been deprived of ‘normality’. I have regretted it ever since. Anyway now it’s payback time as I have a toddler who keeps whacking me in my sore boob!
As a teenager I just remember not understanding why my family situation was so different from my friends’ - just wanted to be like everyone else. At that age you don’t realise there is no such thing as normal do you! Several of my friends were going through difficult things what with parents rowing and splitting up, but I didn’t realise at the time, because none of us talked about it - all too busy trying to impress each other with how cool we were. We all loved our parents dearly but wouldn’t dream of admitting it.
In those days we weren’t offered counselling - but I really wish I’d got some, might have saved a lot of angst later on. Do think even my teenage self would have welcomed it - but only if offered in the right way, if my parents had suggested it I might have rebelled. Might be better coming from an Aunty or friend as Piglet suggested… or a teacher at her school?
i have a 17 year old who is being an absolute pain, the moodiness and tantrums have just increased ten fold since my diagnosis (she told me its just an operation and to ‘get over myself’ !!! her dad is obviously jumping to my defence when i get upset and that starts a whole other row. ive got 2 younger boys one is 14 and he seems to be coping ok and understands what is happening, my younger boy is just 12 and keeps checking up on me, he has always been a very thoughtful and affectionate boy and now wakes me up to make sure im ok, if i have an off day he will lie on the bed next to me and play on his DS. But i totally understand how helpless you feel when trying to deal with your daughter.
sue
I understand all the arguments about teenagers wanting normality and feeling afraid etc but it is also selfishness. I say this because when my mum was ill and had to have a major operation when I was 18 years old I was the one having tantrums. I have thought back to that time often since I’ve been unwell and had surgery and I truly regret it. I really wish that someone had had a good talk with me. I might not have liked it but it might have made me think. All I was really thinking about then was ME!
Can I suggest telling her how hurt it makes you feel ( I was very surprised when my mum told me she had been hurt as I always expected my parents to be angry)and that you need her support. Explain it isn’t just the physical side of things such as the operation but hard for you psychologically too.
May be worth a try??
hi re my previous post my daughter has now left home and gone to live with her sister! they have both told me to@get on with it’and stop ramming it down their throats’
although she has been a pain i miss her and its sad that its come to this.
sue
Sounds like this will be the best option for you right now. How sad that neither daughter can offer you the understanding you need. I think that they are in denial and just want to block their ears and pretend the cancer isn’t there.
Anyway time to take care of yourself. Don’t feel bad about talking about the cancer and perhaps think about joining a support group? I find being able to talk about things is the only way I cope. I’m very lucky because I can talk to my husband any time I feel low or have concerns etc and he has amazing patience. I do though also belong to a support group too.
I do consider myself to be a strong and on the whole positive person. However for me the strength comes from being open about how I feel, what I’m experiencing etc. If I internalise too much I get low. I don’t talk to my mum and brother so much about it all as I find they can’t cope so well with hearing it. So perhaps it’s about finding people who can give you the support you need?
Sorry I’m a bit slow to respond on these forums – so many other things go going on in my life especially family stuff. I hope that you are feeling Ok about your daughter moving out. She might realise what she is missing pretty soon.
My daughter is now talking about dropping out of school (leaving after 5th year in Scotland rather than going on do 6th year) and working for a year. I think she’d love to move out if she had somewhere to go. Actually I think a year in the real world might do her a lot of good.
Read a quote recently which said something to the effect that we should love our children most when they deserve it the least.
What gets me is how much energy we have all put into dealing with my daughter’s behaviour. The story of our family last year was not me having cancer but her! Now I feel like for the rest of the family its like I never had it.