Telling kids or not?

I was wanted to pop on again as I saw you are unsure if you need chemotherapy. This was another reason for telling my children. The original plan was surgery first, but for various reasons (better surgery planning and research study patient) I’m now having chemotherapy first - mine is Stage 2 Grade 2 - 2 tumours biggest 4cm and one pesky lymph node positive on biopsy and MRI. My surgeon has assured me my prognosis is good so I’m going with that :heart: xx



Like @bluesatsuma says depending on your treatment plan will really depend on what your children will see and experience alongside you.

I have also worked in primary schools for over 20 years and have experienced parents, grandparents illnesses and passing. I also have taught the RE curriculum dealing with loss. There are many good books out there that can help at this time. MacMillan have books for children dealing with a cancer diagnosis and also Children's Books — Ipswich Cancer Wellbeing & Information Centre

Many of the books I have used at work, it’s surprising how much children will share their family experiences at school as we are not directly involved. If you advise the school, they will keep a closer eye on your child, allowing them time to talk if they need to. Some children can change by going quiet or acting out when there are illnesses in the family and the school can help if they are aware.

I have never heard or been told of another child being unkind to one who has an ill family member. Most children are supportive of their fellow pupils.

You have to decide what is best for your children.

Take care🥰


Teachers are the best; I went and spoke to my 9 yo son’s teacher yesterday. He was very good about it, saying that that’s are super busy in class, and he won’t have time to think about it. He also said to wait until half term is over so he isn’t sitting in his room thinking about it for a week.


I will find out today if I need it now and I guess I will find out again after the op.

Think you are doing the right thing. You don’t want to be restricted to hushed conversations and secret telephone calls and an air of secrecy is never good. Kids pick up on these things and always know far more than parents think they do and you don’t want them to feel they can’t trust you. Sounds like you are a great mum giving her children a lovely childhood. However, idyllic must surely be tempered with real life. Every good wish to you. You will handle this beautifully


Thanks Teddy🤗! My daughter was home alone after school the other day because we were at the mri and she looked on the family tracking app for us. I’d turned off location services because it came up as at the hospital. She called to ask why we had done that. I had to say we were on the underground train.
I have a 9am appt today, I had to say to my son why he is going to school early is because the only gym class I could get is at 830, which I would never go to in real life. It will just get more complicated, I feel terrible lying. Thanks for your advice and kind words.

My children were 5 and 9 when we found last year. I had to have a mastectomy and we sat down and told them. I was dreading it and wanted to not tell them but it wasn’t an option with the op coming up. We changed the terminology and used words like ‘lump’ and ‘medicine’ instead of cancer. I needn’t have dreaded it because my 5 year old was oblivious to it all and my 9 year old was just like…yuk you can stop now :woman_shrugging:
It has affected her but she pastoral support at school and I answer any questions she has. She has since come to me and asked what breast cancer is and is that what I’ve got and I said yes. She was totally fine with it and we chatted about it a bit more. There are so many appointments and I’ve had a couple of hospital stays lately with the chemo so I don’t think I’d have been able to keep it from them for long.
It’s a hard thing to do and I completely get it, whatever you decide has to be right for you and your family and it doesn’t matter what other people think x x


@starburst how did you get on today? Good news i hope. Funny you say that about tracking app. We forgot to turn ours off when we went to women’s hospital and my daughter looked at it to see how long her promised mcdonalds would be. When she saw where we were she knew her dinner would be ages but she did ask us when got back why we had been there. We lied and said it was about perimenopause. We waited 3 more weeks before wevdid tell them as it was xmas. X


Today was completely shit tbh, thank you for asking. I didn’t get any treatment plan because they found new tumours on the mri and they wanted to biopsy them. She said the original tumours is 4cm not 2.5, and the other tumour is small so they spent ages trying to biopsy it. About 7 biopsies in total. I don’t even see the point breast cancer is breast cancer.

Sorry now I’m just ranting but I really need too. I decided to go back to work next week as it will be another week before any results. I asked my mum to babysit one evening next week, first time in a month and she said yes if I come here. I was like yeah sure but really I was thinking my husband, whose wife has just been diagnosed with cancer will have to do an hour round trip and then I will to pick them up, it’s not like your doing anything apart from watching westerns and helping my brother house hunt. We came to you to sort out your bloody internet straight after I was diagnosed but yeah sure I’m bring the 3 kids to you. Then I drank half a bottle of wine, and I haven’t cried as much in this whole crappy thing. No need to reply just feeling sorry for myself.


Oh @starburst, that does sound like an awful day. Would it help to tell the parents so you didn’t have to keep all this in? I bet you are sore too after being pulled about. Hopefully the results will come back to say that the new tumour is similar to other one so treatment plan will be same. I didnt get an mri and I worry that theres more in me too. But the biopsy today might bring good news too. I am so sorry you have more waiting to do. What day are your results? My surgery ones are on 4th march, 6 weeks after the surgery. I’m waiting with you and you can come and worry on here with us anytime. X


Wow 6 weeks after surgery, that’s crazy. Why so long or is that standard? I told my parents I have cancer and they said anything we can do to help they would. While drinking wine I wrote them a shitagram but hubby won’t let me sent it until the morning😂


I only had a mri because I have super dense breasts. Not everyone needs it they can see enough from the ultrasound. It was funny they showed be how dense they were when the put in the anaesthetic, it was like putting it into rock. They couldn’t press the plunger on the needle.

Good that your parents are onboard. And yes…check your shitogram before you send it!! Though i think at this stage in the game, you’re entitled to be a bit cross! I don’t know why 6 weeks…some people on here waited days. Perhaps Birmingham is just mega busy with all the pathology needed? I did ring up to ask if i could get my results sooner but apparently there’s a shortage of pathologists and the multidisciplinary team need to meet up to discuss. Just hope there’s no surprises. X

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While the nhs are great for cancer care, I do think that is a barbaric form of torture making you wait 6 weeks. I know people will think those are strong words but I actually think they are justified.(half bottle of wine or not)


The wait time is the very worst, so sorry you appear caught up in the consequences of nhs shortages. I did find the speed of treatment post diagnosis was excellent - hoping you have the same if necessary. On the question of telling the children, I agree with many on here that it’s better to be honest but you know your children best so how much you tell them really must be your call. There is a lot of advice on line, I read it all when it was me but the parts that stand out are to tell them in the morning, not on a school day - we waited for mid-half term. This gives them chance to think about what you’ve said and come back to you or your partner with any questions and for reassurance rather than have a restless night or dreadful day at school. This worked well for us so I offer it as an option. Good luck xx


Oh @starburst I’m so sorry to hear this. I had to have an MRI to size my tumour and they found a second in the other boob. Now I have two naughty boobs ! Then more biopsies and more waiting. I know it’s hard waiting again but you want the best treatment for you and the whole multi disciplinary team need to get your results and discuss what is best for you.

The NHS is definitely not perfect but they will try their best with limited resources to help you.

I get the shitogram! Why would your parents not offer to come to you? Do they have health issues that would prevent this? If not, the old offer of ‘whatever you need’ doesn’t hold any weight. Maybe you could politely ask if they could come to you to give you and your husband more quality time together? Maybe they are used to you dropping your kids off on the past and thinks it still stands now. Best to get on the same page now as you’ll need help with the kids during your treatment. I’ve had so many people say ‘whatever you need just ask’ and then they have disappeared. When going through treatment you aren’t always in the best state of mind to ask for help you want people to offer or say can I do this?

Take care :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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V Good advice, re morning etc thank you I didn’t think of any of that

In both breasts is uncommon, are they testing you for the bcra gene?

Yes it’s uncommon. I had a chat with the genetics team in July and I really need to chase them up. I remember them saying it could be a while and I’m aware of people waiting for heart genetics for 6 months. That’s before they even offer to test you!

Let this act as a prompt then If you want to know!! bcra can carry increase risks of ovarian cancer. Which you can now have your fallopian tubes removed to negate the risk.