Has anyone not told their kids and got anyway with them not knowing. My 2 oldest are 11 & 9. The 11 year old girl has just started secondary school and is having all the usually too much homework, new friend dramas, and the 9 year old cries if he loses at football. Other than that they are having an idyllic childhood. I feel like I would be pulling the rug from underneath them. Also I’m not sure if I could add the worry of worrying about them to my list of worries. When I’m with them I forget, I have to do normal things like the school run etc. if I tell them it will just be crap. Can I get away with it??
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Hi
So I didn’t tell my kids who were 7 and 9 when I went through chemo and ops and radiation. I got away with them not knowing it was cancer and having a lot of stress. They knew something was wrong and my 9 year old was definitely picking up on stress etc, my 7 year old seemed pretty oblivious, but I don’t believe they now give it a second thought and didn’t as soon as treatment finished. Unfortunately for me I have two years later found out I am BRCA and will now have to explain an upcoming double mastectomy as they are older and they’ll know I lied. If this hadn’t happened I would be happy with my previous decision to pass it off as an illness and ‘medicine’. That said, I wrote on a Facebook group about it and literally got nothing short of abuse from many, many women saying I had made the wrong decision, it was unforgivable to lie, they all had friends whose parents had lied and their children never forgave them when they worked it out later in life or someone else let slip. One therapist online (not one of my own, just on the Facebook page) told me I didn’t respect my children and insinuated I didn’t love them enough. I was completely taken aback and don’t really understand as I was only trying to protect them and my daughter is anxious anyway. But I seem to be totally out on a limb with my thinking. I really don’t know the answer but just wanted to say I get why you are going down that route and I hope people are kinder to you in their responses. Kids have enough going on and I wanted to preserve their childhood as long as I could. I don’t know if women who made the other decision get triggered and overly defend it…I can’t fathom being so outraged by someone else’s choice and wouldn’t dream of telling another mother she was wrong in whatever she decided for her own family and children. But there we are. Good luck
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Hiya! Sorry you’re going through this my lovely. My son is 8 and I knew he would pick up on the amount of appointments I have, so I explained that i have a poorly boobie and theyre trying to fix it. I didnt want to burden him with cancer info. Maybe start there and once you’re all sorted tell them what happened? Hope youre ok xx
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Wow people are mean! BC is bad enough without other people being unnecessary, but I guess that’s social media for you. Kids do have so much going on. I was 28 when my mum had cancer and I was devastated. I was crying at work, in the car, in the cinema. Everywhere!! This diagnosis isn’t as bad as that. I’ve only cried once, and that was during the waiting. I’m scared they will be pissed off that I didn’t tell them but being pissed off isn’t as bad as being devastated. We have had life experience to get us through trauma, what have little ones had.
Did you get a private test for Brca?
Sorry you have to go through that after everything else.
I’m thinking of going down that route, I have just finished breast feeding(not them:joy:
) my youngest. So I’m thinking of saying it’s something to do with that!
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I had a mastectomy and kids were 11 and 13 and despite the operation we didn’t tell them and said it was an. Op for my arm. I was really happy we didn’t and it helped us ensure a normal household and they weren’t any the wiser and it helped me too. I think if chemo is on the cards you can’t avoid it but otherwise you can.
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Hi Kat! You might be able to get away with it but should you? Parenting isn’t about just protecting kids but also about teaching them how to handle life. And breast cancer is life and you’ll be going through something pretty big and they are without a doubt going to know it. My youngest told me (and she was 14 at my diagnosis) that she wouldn’t have wanted me to tell her anything until I knew for sure and had a plan which is good because that’s what I did. However, she also told me she would have been furious with me if I had lied. I don’t know as I think that lying is okay with children even if it’s for a good cause. Kids, especially in their teenage years and early adulthood need to know they can trust you in order to share things. They will not trust you if you lie. So in saying that, what is another option? Personally I was honest in an age appropriate manner and maintained a positive spirit throughout my treatment which did involve chemo. I told them it was cancer but said it was quite treatable, everyone thought I’d be fine, I’d need them to step up and help me while I was going through it but in the end it would be okay. So it ended up being a blip in their lives. Truly. Life went on and they are fine. Kids are malleable and there is a lot to be gained by them learning that they are part of a family team, even while young, and sometimes you need to help out your parents. Now that didn’t mean I expected them to do everything but my oldest was 16 and would take my youngest and they’d go grocery shopping, feed the animals, clean out litter boxes, etc. Maybe your kids can help by keeping their rooms especially clean, help out with pets, etc. That will mean they will get some control by participating in your care and then also learn some valuable tools they can take to adulthood. Anyway just another thought and I wish you the best.
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Hi
No, I asked for a genetic test at the outset as I was only 39 but didn’t have enough (or any really) family history. Then, after I finished treatment, NICE guidance changed to all women under 40 so they let me have one and the BRCA2 was a total shock. Unfortunately I should really have been on olaparib with this mutation but am now outside time frame and take abemaciclib instead as I am high risk (grade and stage 3) so I’m just hoping it is still doing something. I have to have a dmx and my ovaries removed so could have also saved myself the lunpectomy and radiation had I known…I am glad they’ve moved the testing parameters so more women get a heads up but again this is another conversation with my kids as they have a 50% chance of having the gene.
I think whatever you decide, your children will take the view that you did your best and what you thought was right. I can’t help thinking that there is more going on in these relationships where the kids ‘can’t forgive’ x
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I have 7 children my older ones who range from 17 to 10 I did tell them as my cancer nurse said it would be best so if they seen me upset they knew why other than thinking it’s there fault not all kids will understand but it’s obviously ur choice to tell them as a mun u no ur own children. Good luck xx
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Hi @starburst
Sorry you find yourself in this situation. My eldest is 15 and i also have a 9 and 11 year old. I was diagnosed before xmas but we waited until new year to tell them as we didnt want to spoil their holiday season. We sat them down and explained that mummy had a disease called breast cancer and would be treated overcthe next few months. We explained that my type of cancer was treatable and that i would need surgery and then radiotherapy and then medication. We asked them if they had any questions and told them that we would explain every stage to them as we reached it. They have been absolutely brilliant. My 9 year old wet the bed the night before my op but once i was home after the op he has been fine. Im glad we told them. Its made us stronger as a family and closer too. Kids are resilient and we definitely found that honesty and simple explanations have helped them a lot. Good luck. X
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Ultimately you need to do what you think is best for you and your children.
I told mine as I didn’t think I could hide it as I lost all my hair and people were also talking about it on the school run.
I was open and honest and there were obviously tears, but 4 years on, I am still really glad I did it.
The children know I’ve been honest with them so they believe me. They understand what has gone on. They have changed their behaviour when I was poorly. My oldest will often say “that’s what you have, mummy” when she sees any sort of cancer fundraising. I think it has reassured them knowing.
However, everyone is different so you need to do what is best for you.
There’s a lot of advice out there: Talking with children about breast cancer | Breast Cancer Now https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/diagnosis/talking-about-cancer/talking-to-children-and-teenagers
(Talking to children about cancer | Cancer Research UK)
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Thank you for your reply. How have they been getting on at school etc? Any behavioural changes? I’m just so scared to tell them, I’m scared of everything atm. I know it will ultimately make them more well rounded people. My daughter text me from school yesterday, gutted because she had lost her new Sephora lip balm. I pulled out all these words of wisdom as if I had just told her I had cancer.
My children are 13 and 18, although my 18 year old is autistic and I knew this diagnosis would be difficult for her to process.
For me I told them I had a lump in my boob straight away, but left it at that until I knew my exact diagnosis and had a treatment plan. I told them last week my plan and they have been amazing - they even want to come to some appointments with me 
. They are asking lots of questions, but equally are still being typical teenagers.
I think they are glad I’ve told them, and for me I feel like it’s an additional pressure taken off me. I completely understand when children are younger and I’m not sure what I would have done in that situation. At the end of the day, you know your children best and it’s entirely your decision.
Sending best wishes xx
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Hi @starburst. We did tell the schools and they have been amazing at keeping an eye on them. All 3 are doing brilliantly at school and there have been no concerns. Honestly, I am so glad we told them. They have been so caring and helpful too. My 11 year old is in y6 and has sats soon. He has liked having me around more as normally I’m at work and don’t pick them up. He loves the fact that I’m home and cooking better dinners, baking treats etc. I haven’t done that in years! My advice is tell the schools, be honest with the kids and reassure them. One day, when they are adults, they might know someone else with cancer. You are showing them how to deal with it and being their role model. When i was a kid my parents hid everything serious from me to protect me. I wanted to be kept in the loop. Whatever you decide, good luck. If you dont tell them and they hear from someone else by accident it could be devastating. X
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Thank you that is so reassuring. I didn’t sleep last night and I am now on the side of telling them. My brother died a few years ago in a car crash and it was 3 weeks before his wedding. His fiancé said at the time understandly devastated say she didn’t know that bad stuff happened, her childhood was so lovely but she was so really annoyed with her parents for not letting her know bad things happen. She was 32 at the time, and I did think that was an odd thing to say but it was ringing in my ears last night.
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@starburst it is so hard but they will surprise you. Is your prognosis good? I have grade 2 IDC, 30mm, hr+ and her2-, no node involvement. I was told it was easy to treat and i was unlikely to need chemo. Therefore telling the kids was ok. We knew that the older 2 would hear the word cancer and imagine a bald mummy, feeling very ill. But i have been clear with them, that my cancer is early stages and treatable. I would gve the facts you know as simply as you can and reassure them that you will be ok. Gear up school to keep an eye on them and tell their best friend’s parents so that they can support their child too. Also make sure grandparents and other key family and friends understand your diagnosis in case your children ask questions or need to sleep over. I had to be at hospital at 7am for my lumpectomy. As it was a school day we asked school friends to have the kids and get them to school. It also really helped the kids coming to the hospital to pick me up later that day. They found it reassuring to see how lovely the ward was and to see how well i was. I recovered quickly from the surgery and now cancer doesnt seem so scary to the children (it still is to me though!) They will be fine. X
Can I also ask you, how have you 11 yo friends been, have they been kind. I do worry kids can be a bit mean. Like your mum has lurgies, is gonna die etc!
Great question @starburst. Im a teacher myself of y6 so I can assure you that even the most challenging pupils can be wonderful when another pupil learns that their parent has cancer. My 15 year old’s friends have been supportive and their parents too. To be honest i dont think the 9 and 11 year olds told anyone! I might be wrong. I did tell the parents of their friends though just in case. They havent experienced any unkindness as a result of my diagnosis. X
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Thank you. I am in the mind to tell them now. It is crap though, you have this crappy diagnosis but the crap doesn’t stop there!!
Just being nosey/curious as a teacher does this kind of thing happen a lot, have you had parents talk to you about their cancer diagnosis.
I have g3 idc 25?mm er + her2 - it in the nodes, had an mri yesterday to see how many.
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In 23 years of teaching, I’ve only known of 3 parents who’ve had cancer. But I’ve had 6 colleagues and I’ve also known of some pupil grandparents. Your diagnosis is similar, except I don’t know about nodes until I get full results from surgery. Are you getting chemo? I think if you are, you should prepare the children for what this may be like. But telling the kids will go better than you think. Big hugs - you have lots more family adventures to come after this is all over x
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