I had a lumpectomy after DCIS in 2012 and in 2014 it returned, this time needing a mastectomy and chemo as it was found to be invasive.
My mum has dementia and didn’t really understand when I told her about the first diagnosis. Last summer my dad was admitted to hospital and I had to find a care home for mum. They are both in their mid 80’s and dad had been struggling to look after mum at home as she wouldn’t let him get any support. When dad returned home I drove twice a week a 100 mile round trip to look after him and got him some home care. For six months I fitted this around my job and other commitments and the stress was unbelievable.
When my breast cancer returned and I started with surgery and chemo I haven’t been able to travel to see my parents for nearly 6mths and more surgery is planned when I finish chemo this autumn. I keep in touch with my dad by phone every week and he is coping well with daily carers coming in.
My main concern is: when I’m fit enough to go and visit my parents, what on earth can I say to my mum at her care home? Ok she won’t remember when I last visited but when I next see her, but she will wonder why I look ill and have no hair! I do miss her and even though I’m in my 60’s I want my mum daft though it sounds. My daughter and her baby are 300 miles away and although she comes to see me every couple of months and we facetime, I do miss my family especially as I live alone.
Hi lankylass
It might help to talk this over with one of our Helpliners. They are not open tomorrow (BH Monday) but normal opening hours are 9-5 on weekdays and 10-2 on Saturdays. The number is 0808 800 6000
Very best wishes
Janet
BCC Moderator
Hello, I understand what you are thinking. I lost both my Mum and Dad to Dementia last year within 6 weeks of each other. Both were in seperate Care Homes and were looked after extremely well. Then 2 weeks later discovred I have Breast Cancer, one of my reliefs was that I didn’t have to try and explain to my Mum what was happeing.
In hindsight I do not think she would have been aware even if I had turned up with my bald head! I found that with dementia they are so engrossed in thier own world they dont really SEE anything else. My Mum never did get to the the state where she didn’t know me at all.
I understand your need for your Mum, I feel lucky that I have a fantastic husband and family to help me through. One of my daughters lives in Singapore so skype is the only contact there, although not ideal is better than nothing and pobabaly see her more than I would if she lived 50 miles away. ( not quite the same as a cuddle and hug). I have found that you do find your true friends, and people have suprised me with thier support.
Speak to the Carers who know your Mum best and see what they think. I hope all goes well for you, I’m sure you’ll make the best decision for you and your Mum. Elaine