Ive just finished radiotherapy today, after chemo and surgery.(I was diagnosed on 3rd May 2007). My “best friends” dont talk to me any more and one has not invited me to her 40th birthday party!!! My mum is 75, mum/dad in law are also early 70’s and have helped by coming with me to chemo/radiotherapy .One friend from work cooked us a meal each time I had a chemo which I was so grateful for. But everything else was managed by myself, my husband and my children aged 11 and 14. Through out chemo I did the washing ironing, cleaning and cooking myself or with some help from my husband and I even worked every morning to have chemo in the afternoon.
My husband and I feel quite alone and would love to have friends that understand. Not having many friends is difficult enough when you’re healthy but when you’re ill, its ten times worse.
Hi Christinew
Firstly congratulations on finishing your rads - I would say treatment not sure if you have any more to come - well done you, especially as apart from hubby and kids you seem to have coped single handed.
You are ahead of me had wle, going for mast 31 Jan then onto chemo and rads so cant comment from experience but without my friends I would have sunk so my heart really goes out to you.
What I can definitely say is that by coming on this site you will find a never ending supply of support, kindness and listening ears. Any problems just shout and someone will pop up to answer you query.
Maybe your friends are struggling with your dx some people just are not able to cope with the c word. The ones you think will be ok are usually the ones that don’t cope.
My surgeon has asked if I would mind being given a buddy (someone a couple a years down the line from me who had the same dx) would it be possible for you to have something like this?
Hope you are feeling a little better I’m sure you will have lots of replys to your post shortly.
Sending you big hugs
Karen
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Dear Christine
I am sorry you are feeling this way and wondered if you have heard about Breast Cancer Care’s peer support service?
The telephone service aims to quickly put you in touch with one of our trained peer supporters, who has had a personal experience of breast cancer. Our peer supporters are from diverse backgrounds and ages and have experienced different types of breast cancer and treatments. They are ready to listen, offer skilled emotional support and share their experiences and understanding. For more information about this and other support available to you telephone our helpline on 0808 800 6000or email:
Best wishes
Lucy
Hi christine,
So sorry to hear that your “good friends” have not rallied round, as one would have expected. I was dx 5 yrs ago, living in an isolated Fort in Cornwall, having come back from 8 yrs living in Spain, and had none of my usual friends down here, as we had lived in the Midlands.
I was very upset that one couple that we had often loaned our house to in the Midlands (a divorce situation) when we were abroad on business, paid for their wedding reception, didn’t even send me a card, nor a telephone call - just zilch. And her mother died of breast cancer…perhaps that was the reason. As she has not been in touch I don’t know the reason, and quite frankly, now I don’t care. I still don’t have any contact with them, which is sad as we had some great trips to Spain together before we retired there and they had many holidays at our villa.
I guess I am old enough now to realise just who my true friends are…and I have been surprised at times. A neighbour in the Fort, who is a rather insular individual, and owned a private Girls’ School locally, offered to take me on a wet, windy,freezing January Sunday afternoon, into hospital for my second bc surgery. A 2 hr drive using a car ferry. My elderly disabled husband was waiting for cataract surgeries and couldn’t drive in the dark. Since then, she has become a very caring friend, whom I can count on when I need help.She hates to cook (is a brilliant quilter) so I reciprocate by making cakes/desserts for her and her wheelchair bound husband most weeks.When they came back from a cruise trip in December she had really bad flu, no food and too unwell to drive, so I raided my freezer for home made soups, casseroles, desserts and even bread. I would never have become close to her if I had not accepted her offer when I was desperate. So, if anyone offers you help - take it, because you don’t know where it will lead. Sometimes, there are angels on our shoulders.
As Karen says, most people who have not been confronted with cancer, don’t know how to respond to a potentially terminal illness. They are frightened it will happen to them and don’t want to know the details. Having had Crohn’s for some 38 yrs I have become quite adept at saying: “I am fine thank you” because nobody, not even your closest friends, want to hear of bowel problems. I guess this has stood me in good stead for dealing with breast cancer.
You sound an incredibly strong person who along with your very supportive husband and children, have weathered this dreadful storm. Rest on your laurels…but take whatever help you can get. You are blessed in your immediate family - mother and in-laws.
This site is wonderful - a pity I didn’t find it until going through rads, as I felt so alone going through two surgeries, chemo and Crohn’s complications.
You can come here whenever you want - to find information from the “horse’s mouth”, get technical info on treatments etc, but most of all, emotional support from those of us that have breast cancer, have been there and done it! So can you. You can also rant, as we all do at times. That is what this site is about. Being there for each other.
Take care, and love,
Liz.
Hi Liz
Your response is exactly the point I was trying to make to Christine. None of us want ot be here and we are making a really good job of it me thinks
Hugs
Karen
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Thanks everyone. I intend to visit this site more regularly.What a great bunch you all are!!!
Hi Christine,
I was going to say I can’t believe how your friends have treated you, but actually I can. You have done incredibly well getting through it with so little help. Your family will be stronger for it.
I am thankful to say I had the opposite - I have been overwhelmed with help. People in our church cooked meals for my family for a few days after each chemotherapy (they always do a fortnight’s meals for new mothers) and one drove my children to after-school activities. Even work colleagues dropped in for coffee and insisted on ironing while we chatted. I was so touched and it gave me such strength, to feel so supported. I really think everyone should be treated like this, and I can’t bear to think of you not having such support. The only thing I can think (apart from joining a church?!) is to agree with Liz and say keep your eyes open for new friends. Friends made in adversity can be strong friends, and there are some lovely people out there who are willing and able to support you.
Something else - I did keep people informed by email updates of what was happening. It kind of grew out of my initial diagnosis and letting people know about that, and then things went from bad to worse quite quickly (secondaries), so I emailed again. Before I knew it it was a regular thing, and I was updating them on my treatment (when that all went wrong too!). People have said they found it really helpful to know what was going on, and as a result would pop a card through or bring a bunch of flowers on results days, or send emails before I saw the Onc. I think that made it easier for them to help, as they had an idea of what was going on. It’s probably a bit late for you, but there might be newbies reading. I suppose it’s the principle of the thing. People can feel v scared and unsure how to respond if they’re not aware of what’s happening.
It’s a risk to let them ‘in’ on how things are and how you feel, but people responded to my vulnerability, I think.
Anyway, I’ve rambled on enough. I just want to wish you good health now you’ve (I presume) finished your treatment. May you have some fresh starts in interests and new friends, and happy times ahead.
Love Jacquie
Hi Christine,
Hope you see this. I’ve been wondering how you are feeling and how you’re getting on. Have you managed to find any new sources of support and friendship? I’d love to know how you’re doing…
Jacquie x
Hi Christine
How are you doing come back and let us know how you are?
Sending Hugs
Karen
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I don’t really have any friends here as I moved back to Scotland after 20 years in London and instead of being able to find a job and establish myself I had to take on my late dad’s care as he went into the early stages of dementia. He died 12 months before my diagnosis in 2006. However, friends back in London have been marvellous, they have kept me going with cards and letters and have sent little gifts. I have found with family that now I have finished chemo they think everything is back to normal as I’m now “just on Herceptin”. An aunt of mines was recently telling me about a neighbour’s daughter who had BC and she added the comment “but I mean she’s been seriously ill as she had a mastectomy”, guess that beats a WLE and node clearance!
My sister went abroad 6 months before dad died and left me to deal with just about everything (said she couldn’t put things on hold for dad’s situation as she’s single); she was here on holiday when I was diagnosed and flew back again the day after I found out. Had it been me I know I could not have got on that plane. I’ve had no real support or sympathy from her and this has driven a wedge between us. She doesn’t like where she is abroad and hates her job so when she comes over we just get all her me,me,me problems. Last time she was here I said to her if she was unhappy she should try cancer. She said I was being really horrible but I figured she asked for it. She’s supposed to be coming home for good this year and me and my OH have always been there for her, this time she can sort herself out because I’m only thinking about us now. We’ve got a business that has really picked up, so I’ve got no time for her, don’t want her staying here either as she takes over like it’s her house.