The bedroom department!

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21

Jane, never mind MR RIGHT (or MS Right) accepting our physical imperfections, what about US accepting them! So much of sex is inside your own head, and if you’re not comfortable about what you look and feel like, then no matter how excited the other person is, if you’re not up for it it’s not going to be the enjoyable experience it used to be.

For me it’s the extra weight I’ve put on, I’m lucky not to have had the additional trauma of mastectomy and reconstruction. But I’ve still ended up feeling very unattractive, with leaky eyes after a “mercy shag”, or that’s what it felt like. Not helped by partner not being the most forthcoming with his communicating, and not “up for it” as much as I am.

22

You have not offended me Jane, as i am with you on this.

There are too many things to deal with after BC…i guess time is the key hey…

Maybe one day, I won’t be so obsessed with my chest area, that fact that i have one functioning breast/nipple, and one mound. No sex drive, mood swings and all the other stuff that seems to have reared its ugly head at the mo…

Maybe i need to focus on my lovely children, who drive me nuts, my voluntary work and finding a job!

This site is GREAT!

THANKS EVERYONE!

XXXXX

23

Hi All

I posted to CM and it evaporated into thin air! Anyway,it was mostly just me trying to say something comforting about the mercy shag scenario. I just wish everyone would be more honest about all this - they assume that everyone has a bloke or woman in their life who can cope with all this and reassure you you are still hot. And make it all ok.

I think feeling finished with it, or accepting the losses is the key. Time by itself does not help resolve anything but you are right Naz focusing on what you are grateful for can help. I have to try to consciously think every day about the stuff I still have when so many have less, worse prognosis, secs and kids etc etc. But all pain is pain xx

24

Hi I really thought the mercy shag summed it up, that is exactly how I feel these days,

bald, fat, with one breast, what the **** how the hell are we supposed to deal with this?

early days yep, mx last November, some days ok, others not,

sex life virtually non, but guess what that suits me, oh says it doesnt matter to him, matters to me, sound familiar,

guess what, we are all in the same boat arent we?

perplexed Liz xxx

25

I’ve been having tantrums in the bedroom as things have come to a stand still.
Do you know, I thought it was him, and it’s not. I’ve not had surgery btw. I think a mercy shag could be the last thing i’d want. I’ll wait.

26

We haven’t had sex since I was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer as I just didn’t feel like it as I was very depressed and frightened but now my chemo is finished it’s all systems go! Good luck and try not to worry.

27

I’ve been post menopausal since I was on FEC back in 2006 (I was only 45) and I haven’t really had a proper sex life with my OH since. I was on Vagifem for a while as recommended by a gynaecologist my onc sent me to. It really helped, but then I had a post menopausal bleed a few months later and another gynaecologist told me to stop using it. She also told me I would get a slight bleed from time to time. I’m going to that clinic again in a couple of weeks and am asking if there is any way I can go back on it - everything is dry, horrible and I’m now starting to experience slight bladder problems. I’ve tried all different moisturisers and nothing, I have no libido at all, yet I had managed to regain it a bit when I was on the pessaries. I’m also starting to experience slight panic attacks and concentration difficulties, again this went away when I was on the pessaries. They just seemed to take the edge off everything. I really don’t think this woman doctor thought about it in any depth to be honest, she was just totally dismissive and told me to bin them.

For any ladies who are interested if you go on the website for the Royal College of Obstetricians there is an audio lecture that was given to the public by a woman gynaecologist in London last year. She says she has no qualms about giving women Vagifem or topical oestogen post breast cancer as the dose is so miniscule. She also talks about lubrication problems as she sees ladies with all sorts of problems at her clinic.I am going to this appointment armed with this in mind. When I was still seeing the oncologist she told me just to stop the pessaries for 6 weeks every so often, then start again. She also said they hated it when women were left like this, as the loss of libido etc was caused by the cancer drugs and the breast clinic realised how much stress this caused.

28

cherub that pretty much sums up my view too… there are treatments out the but GPs, Oncs and Gyns are too scared to prescribe based on previous bad press but the new preparations are completely different to the ones that the research is based on from the 90s but those were huge trials even though the age of participants was early 60s meaning most were 10 years into the meno before having the HRT.

if its stated within about years of meno symptoms then the finding are completely different.

in terms of risk you actually have a higher chance of bc in you drink 1 large glass of wine a day or have a bmi over 30 than if you take HRT for 5 years.

Lulu x

29

i currently chose not to look in the mirror at the mo when naked and with bald head on show… I dont mind my MX scar just find both at the same time a bit too much at the mo!.. we are all human after all and have a right to care about how we look!
x

30

I have days when I am ok with it and then days when I am not,

I dont know why that happens, I need to lose some weight too and grow some hair lol,
havent got a lot going for me at the moment, but at least I have finished treatment, so hopefully things will start getting easier…

Liz xxx

31

Another great thread,there have been others in the past also dealing with this HOOOOOOGE issue, which the pros to a greater or lesser extent try not to look to closely at,it seems to me.

I guess, all things are INDIVIDUAL.
We all feel differently about ourselves and did before our devastating diagnoses, but what we all have in common now is what this disease leaves us with. Physical maiming, emotional and physical se’s,uncertain futures, all in their own way enormous issues to deal with.

All of you have said good things already and I really think we draw comfort from each other here. This sort of thread is this site working par excellence!

I have the most amazing loving husband, he says and shows that he still fancies and loves me. He is thrilled that I am STILL HERE, which he says is the most important thing to him. He says he would have sex at any time,(we haven’t since before my last lot of surgery in early April), although I do think he is nervous of ‘hurting’ me in some way. My WLE and two re-excision wounds DO still hurt, but not enough to stop me enjoying things…However I am in the middle of chemo and up until now haven’t felt like it myself, although there are stirrings!!!..I’ve got x4 chemos, 6weeks rads and tamoxifen ahead.

However I think as Ann (Amber) says,love is the key…My OH and I cuddle,he is fascinated with my scars, and loves my scratchy bald head!,we laugh, we share, I have engaged in loving manual relief for him (Whoops is that TMI!!!), (actually nervous about oral on chemo, not sure if that is my fears or fact re toxins???)

It is about our own self image. I have always been a very confident person even though at times, overweight, have always felt sexy and attractive and even now although I am overweight, bald and definitely more Matt Lucas than Angelina Jolie, I feel ok. I’m sure some of this is down to my own confidence but its also down to my OH. I KNOW I am lucky to have him and many of us do not have partners and have to face going out there and finding new people with new physical images and emotions to deal with.

I think its got to be about yourself. Get help if you need it, but try and feel confident in yourself. If in a relationship, trust in your partner and yourself to have sex when you’re ready, if its a loving relationship, sex will wait…use every prop available, sylk/replens etc, talk to your partner.
Or if embarking on a new relationship, tell them. This is who you are now.If they are going to be good for you and in your life they have to accept that. If they can’t at least you haven’t wasted too much time and you can move on to find the next prince, without having wasted too much time kissing this frog!

B***dy H***, sorry about the tome. Probably all my rubbish but take care all.

Wandyx

32

Just between you and me Wandy… and the rest of you, its no sex here too, half way through chemo and its tax next (thur) my husband said concerning the ‘manual’ activity thats it ok if i dont feel up to 'it ’ next week…said he’ll just do it on his own! good job i love him!

33

I’m not a prude, and don’t want to spoil things, but if I can’t have a poached egg because bacteria and infection, I centainly wouldn’t put a willy in my mouth. Not worth the risk.

34

well ellticks, at the risk of going a bit too far, the getting it clean and bacteria free enough to put it in your mouth might open up a whole new area of foreplay.

35

You haven’t had oral thrush have you oldandlumpy? It’s not very nice.
elttiks.

36

Or severe mucositis. I couldn’t open my mouth wide enough to get a small toothbrush head in, let alone a w----.

37

Hi all

Whilst this is an important topic we would like forum users to consider that this type of language may offend other users, please keep within the community guidelines when considering your post

Kind regards
Lucy

38

I love this thread!!

Am I not supposed to eat poached eggs now??!!! I didn’t know that???!!I love poached eggs and have had several but definitely no willies!!(At the moment!)

Wandyx

39

Oooops!!!

40

Hi All

Whilst we appreciate the humour in some of these posts it is also important for us to remain aware that these forums are open to be read by anyone on the WWW, including children. If this were a locked or private forum we would not be asking for this consideration.

Breast Cancer Care consider this a very important topic and encourage your openess and honesty, but please “keep it clean”!

Also, here is the link to our sexuality and intimacy booklet breastcancercare.org.uk/healthcare-professionals/publications/quick-order-list/*/changeTemplate/PublicationDisplay/publicationId/20/
and our helpline is there to talk through any issues or questions you may have.

Best wishes
Poppy