This is a great thread, and like most of you on here - sex is just not part of my life at the moment, things (I) slowed up during chemo, burned with rads and I think since the old ovaries went, my interest has just crawled to a halt. I miss the closeness and I miss the passion and fun, but I can’t dredge up any enthusiasm at all. This is a complete turn around for me in the last two years, poor OH doesn’t know whats hit him. I just hope I’ll get over it, in time. We haven’t had a good holiday since my op so I think we need to get away…hotels are marvellous for hotting things up. What I did after first dx was treat my body like a princess, best creams and lotions I could afford and really pamper my skin, it made me love my body more - and I usually smelled gorgeous from the cocoa butter. I look like a hag but my skin feels nice!
xxx mon
Hi , it was a full 12 months before hubby and I even thought about making love, but just to say when we did the emotional relief was emense for both of us, it seemed to open the flood gates and let out all the stress of the previous year. It also made me feel as if I had gained another little piece of me back from the disease
good luck everyone x
Wow,i never thought that this thread would generate such interest, and i really appreciate all your frank and honest replies.
The whole topic of intimacy and how i really feel about myself since mastectomy etc, had not really occured to me until just recently.
It seems that it is only now that things are catching up with me, and that it a whole 15 mths from the last chemo!
I am really hoping that things improve over time, and once this recon is done, i will feel more confident abouy my body…
I guess everyone is different, but for me, only having one ‘normal’ breast, is a big deal for me right now…
Thanks once again everyone…
xx
I seem to be bucking the trend here. I have been married for 22 years and having had a pretty poor sex life for the majority of it (down to my reluctance) and had not even attempted sex for nearly 10 years. I was dx 18 months ago and underwent WLE, chemo rads, 9 herceptin, tamox. In the last 6 months I have suddenly developed a libido, which has come as a shock to me and a pleasure to my husband.
I think maybe I have realised that I shouldn’t take my husband for granted, and with all that he has done for me over the last 18 months I should do something for him. In the past I have been embarassed to bear all, but now, having shown my boobs to all and sundry I have not problems letting my hubbie see them.
Naz, I felt so much like that before my recon. I know that not everyone feels like that and there’s a whole spectrum of feelings, but I was so unhappy without my breast - I was conscious of the loss every hour of every day, just sad and I felt mutilated.
The op itself wasn’t easy but it was as wonderful to me as having a baby - I felt so wonderful to have it there, even before the nipple was done etc. I know its not exactly what I had, but I felt ‘right’ again.
I hope you are sorted soon and that the outcome is wonderful, take care
mon xx
Thankyou so much Daisyleaf…i too hope things will be better once the op is done…(can’t be much worse!) 
cmw - I am so pleased that things are looking up in the bedroom dept. for you…your husband must be over the moon? Long may it last!
xx
I had the same problem when I was diagnosed with secondaries due to depression for the last 9 months but getting back to normal now.
I don’t know if this thread has had something to do with it, but on Wednesday night I got my mojo back and very nice it was too (blush). I just hope it sticks around for a bit as it was very welcome and made me feel like a whole being again.
I think the most important thing that helped me and my OH was that we were both shown photos of what my breast would look like after surgery, including photos of what it might look like if the healing didn’t go well. It made such a difference that we both knew what to expect so there were no nasty surprises, even when my 2nd lot of surgery didn’t heal as it should.
We returned to having a sex life, although rather carefully(!), within a few days of my BC surgery, with my boob still all taped up. It made such a difference to how I felt about myself to know that my OH still fancied me.
I’ve read elsewhere on this forum that one cause of lack of lubrication and pain can be lack of use - sex increases the blood flow to the important areas, so lack of sex can itself cause problems. And then it can become a vicious circle.
Of course if you’re going through hell with chemo it must be easier said than done to keep an active sex life, never mind worry about lubrication.
Sarah x
Thanks once again for all your honest replies.
Too be honest, i wish i could just forget about the breast business and get on with life.
I am contemplating yet another recon, as the last one has not gone well…and i think this is holding me back, more surgery, more recovery, appointments and yet another body to try and get used to!
God it is hard!
A bit different for me. the dressing has come off and its not going to look to bad at all. And I do not need more surgery. I was never a swinging from the chandalier type but we have a good enough loving sex life.
I am going on tomazifen. the nurse said if I had any problems with loss of labido I should tell them and they would prescribe something. In the car park I said I wonder if i could lie and pretend I had lost labido and get something anyway??? he has not stopped smiling since!!
I worry about loss of libido, it’s not what it was but stil there in Week 3.
I’m worried that Tamoxifen will kill it.
Isn’t there anything they can give women like Viagra?
Why is there so much info on Male Erectile Dysfunction which is made such a big fuss of, but nothing on Women and it’s as if the medical community think it’s OK if women don’t enjoy a sex life.
i thought women could take viagra?? I was hoping it was going to be something like that they were thinking of.
Well i am going to the doc tomorrow, for my stash of Replens, Sylk and anything else they want to prescribe me!
Then i want something for my irregular periods, as it is so annoying!
Finally, I want peace of mind that my next lot of surgery can be done at the hospital of my choice, and not my the hospital which i believe let me down with the recon!
Trouble is, when they did the research on women and viagara type stuff, they found it made almost no difference. Our sex drive comes mostly from the way we feel, not from the chemicals in our bodies, it seems. So if a woman feels bad about her body, no chemical in the world will make her feel sexy enough to enjoy lovemaking.
I think to myself, if my lovely hubby had cancer in his male bits and lost one testicle, would I decide I hated him or didn’t want sex any more? Nope. Helps me prepare for whatever’s ahead.
I don’t think it’s all psychological. If you strip away Estrogen then that can change your natural sex drive. Yes we’re physically capable of sex, after all, we don’t have to “do” anything, lubrication can be replicated, which is really the only physical obstruction.
I certainly hope my drive doesn’t go, it has quite a bit during chemo but when I’m really ill and exhausted I’m not in the mood so I think thats the issue now.
I’m really concerned about Tamoxifen for 5 years and what it’ll do to my natural sexual exuberance!
I think Tamoxifin has alot to answer for!
It may be a good anti -cancer drug, BUT that it comes with strings attached…for me, poor sex drive, mood swings, dryness in the lower regions …none of which I had before i started taking it!
a woman’s body NEEDS osetrogen in my opinion, and does not cope. well without it (well mine doesn’t anyway!)
BUT as i said before, a big part of my problem lies in the breast area…i need to feel okay with my body before things improve…
i have become a nun, my sexdrive went right from the start of chemo im sure it all in my head but i carnt over come how i feel chemo se have a lot to answer for
Bump
So glad to see other posts about the problem that has been the bain of my life for the last 5 years. NO SEX DRIVE.
My mx and treatmen was all completed 4 years ago and although i was put on all the hormone treatments after, i stopped them in the hope my sex drive would return. It hasn’t.
I had reconstruction 2 years ago and am ok with how i look. I am 56, married for 31 years.
I love my husband to bits, but he doesn’t understand or accept that sex does nothing for me. I neither want it or enjoy it. I have tried all the lubricants available and am currently taking hrt pessaries from the Gp. But nothing works.
Is this it? Do i just accept that part of my life is over and keep trying to convince my husband that nothing is going to change? It causes so many frustrations and arguments that sometimes i wish he would just find someone else and leave me in peace. Can anyone offer any help or hope. PLEASE