The birds are still singing...

Just want to say a bit about myself the last 3 days,finding am getting down in the dumps more than usual, since Dx 2 months ago. Lying in bed at 5am,crying my eyes out, so up I got, what bought the crying on was, what I had done yesterday then it “hit” me,how stupid am I? I booked a holiday for June nxt year, and I was lying there thinking how am I going to afford it,on half my salary if am still not back to work f/t??? I cant belive when I booked the holiday,I was thinking I was still leading my normal life and am not! I have BC,I wont be back at work,if I am then it will not be f/t, what was I thinking…it was lovely at the time, YEH! lets book my holidays…then the penny dropped at 5am…I got real upset,had to stop myself,as my son would have woke up,and heard me weeping away…its difficult as a single parent,trying to keep all my worries to myself,the week has just gone in,and I have harly spoken to a soul all week,except the checkout staff at ASDA,

I usually pop into our Maggies Centre but,it has been closed through the week…I want MY LIFE BACK…money is tight,am putting all the weight back on that I have struggled for years to keep off,

Sorry, just finding it hard to cope last few days, have chemo,then nothing to do for the next few weeks till next chemo is upon me…
My sons 18 soon and what he wants I cant afford to buy…family moving soon,and he would ahve a better life with them if I wasnt here,sorry, just thoughts going through my head,

its HARD…:frowning: being all on my own to deal with things at this time…

hi Poly,

I am really sorry that you are having a hard time at the moment. It does seem that all those thoughts and anxieties have come out at the classic time of stupid o’clock. Have you tried the helpline they are open now and they are here to answer help and even just to listen.

your dx is very new so you have natural anxieties about that. Which Maggies do you go to? try and use their resources ie stress management, relaxation and massage.

Whilst you want to protect your son, i think being honest with him as well will help the situation, you cannot do this alone. But my suggesstion for today would be to ring the helpline.


You are not on your own, every single person on this forum is supporting you and will do what they can to help you. Chemo is so very hard. It plummets you to the depths. It knocks your hormones for six. How on earth you have managed alone so far is amazing. Well done for reaching out for help. As soon as the helpline here opens today please ring them. They have scooped me up out of despair many times.


poly sorry your having a rough time right now… but i think its great you have booked your holiday… you have something to look forward to and there is no reason why you cant work full time when you go back to work… you will be on full pay for 6 months if you worked for over 5 years in the nhs so that should maybe go someway towards helping.

you wont know how fit you will be until the time comes…

after my first BC (no chemo tho) i actually worked 2 jobs one fulltime at the WGH and part time at dean terr and did 44 hrs a week. this time i got a new job and it is part time and been there 4 months but now im looking to do something part time as well to bring up my hours.

i was a single parent with two teenagers first time around and it was hard just coming to terms with everything and you do have your good and bad days.

im sure your son would understand and he would rather have you than ‘things’.

if your really finding it hard to cope you can maybe get some ADs from your GP i did for a while and lots of ladies on here do… your life changes and it takes a while to reclaim it.

love and hugs
Lulu xx

Thanks…I might wait till Monday spk to my BCN at the hospital, plus am going Maggies, to relax class, and start a new group there on Monday to,so that is keeping me going a bit, I have phd my sister(shes my rock) and we are out for a coffee today, I have friends but,they are all so busy during the week…I have phoned the helpline before and they were brill…

I might have overreacted a bit at 5am, sorry!


you havent over-reacted at all… its in the wee small hours our minds start working over time and creating all sorts of problems and there isnt really anybody you can bounce them off at that time.

i go to a young womens cancer group at maggies for women under 45 next one will be on wed and it finishes at 2pm if you were at the WGH i could meet you there for a cuppa if wanted to chat.



never apologise because we all have these anxieties which manifest in the small wee hours, enjoy your coffee with your sister today.


Lulu34: that would be great to meet up,it would mean alot to me,if you have the time, I have a car,and could meet you at Maggies,(isnt Andrew who works there just (“gorgeous”!)

I feel a bit more calm since I came online early this morning, and my son has just made me a coffee…(the first time ever!)sweet!!


lol Poly he is lovely… the group finishes about 2pm so could just meet you there afterwards and we can have a chat and even go to the wrvs for a hot choc if you like…

will be lovely to meet you…


Thats fine I will park the car in the Maggies Car park, and see you in there at 2ish…am very tall,and will have a pink scarf on me head…thanks alot

WRVS will be fine, am a coffee freak though…

iv pm’d you my mobile number poly. xxx

I had mx, 6 FEC-T chemo and 25 rads and I am currently on herceptin. I had my mx in September 2009. I finished my chemo in Feb and my rads at the end of March. I went back to work part time 1 week after the end of rads. I gradually built up my hours and I have been full time for a while now, with some changes to my work routine. Good for you booking a holiday in June, it doesn’t mean you will not be back at work.



I booked holiday for 3 months after chemo and rads had finished. Yes I was still tired but we had a great time just being together.

You can always apply to Macmillan for financial help. The grants are means tested and if for a holiday, it has to be in the UK (and apparently the Channel Islands aren’t in the UK when it comes to grants). When I applied my BCN sorted the forms. Always worth asking.

It wil be good for you to have something to look forward to after treatment.


Hi Poly

I was so sad to read your post but also a little relieved too (in a completely selfish way). I don’t want to make your post about me so I’ll rant on a separate one but I was dx 2 months ago too. My marriage has subsequently broken down, I have a 2 year old and I find myself, like you, in those godforsaken early hours, lying in bed crying, trying not to let my mind go into overdrive (mostly negative…trying so hard to be positive)

I really hope that you have more good days than bad and also hope that when you read through some of the forums to others who are further down the line with their treatment than we are, that you are able to glimmer some light at the end of the tunnel?!

I think we’re stronger than we realise and hope that all of us in this situation, with no partner to share it with, can find love & support from friends/family and wonderful sites like this, but I also think we have to allow ourselves those rubbish times when we cry/rant/rave, as I think we may go mad otherwise.

Sending you lots of love.

Ali x x x

THANK YOU ALL… it made me feel not so alone…