I need to rant I’m afraid. I am so angry. And yet also incredibly upset too. I haven’t cried for months but, after an incident at work this evening, I have just been left shaking with tears - out of anger, fear and probably also a bit of self-pity.
Despite being well qualified, with lots of experience, I have always felt undervalued in my current job. There was some compensation a few years ago when my employers went through a job matching exercise - to ensure equal pay for equal work - and I was awarded a significant upgrade. Unfortunately, I was diagnosed shortly afterwards and my line manager, who had argued for my equal pay, had to take early maternity leave, during which time there was a restructure; since returning, despite being on an equal grade I have felt very much like the junior.
I’ve tried really hard to just let it wash over me but today, having recently been diagnosed with a recurrence (hopefully, local), I just got really angry (and then upset) when I was expected to have ordered photocopier tuner and ensured that we had enough stationery.
As much as I know, or should know, just how unimportant work is in the scheme of things, precisely because I would rather be spending my time doing something more enjoyable, I desperately need to feel as if my work is valued, and that I am made to feel that it is valued. And paranoid as I know I am, I know too that it is not just my paranoia. I am slightly comforted that I am covered by the DDA but am concerned that there is an intention to force me out of my job by making me feel as worthless as possible. I would be tempted to try and have a conversation with my manager about how I feel but I fear that it would make no difference whatsoever and only make the situation worse. My strategy instead is to continue to stay there as long as I need to; hope that more senior management take further structural action that recognizes the centrality of the work that I do (I know that it is a organizational priority); and ensure that I take whatever sick leave I need to recover (I will be having raditotherapy this time and probably also an oopherectomy afterwards); and make it quite clear that I am covered under the DDA!
Sorry, I know I have ranted, and probably not made any sense at all, but I just had to write something down! Especially when I broke down in front of my OH when I got home and he excused the way in which I was spoken to my boss by saying she was probably stressed - as if somehow I couldn’t possibly be!
Enough.
I’ve had a cry and feel so much better for having had a rant. And have now poured myself a small glass of tipple, which has helped the most!
Thank you for listening to me!
Naz, x