I posted on here a couple of months ago asking you all if you had experienced your ‘so called’ freinds ignoring you. I had lots of responces that were really helpful, but here is my dilemma:
My best freiend who has ignored/appeared to avoid me since Dec last year (during this time I’ve had surgery twice and chemo) has suddenly texted me, suggesting we get together. We were very close, lots of family holidays together and I am god mother to 2 of her 3 children.
I spent 9 weeks in June/July trying to sort a date to meet with her but she never reciprecated my enthusiasm. I had no contact from them through all of my treatment to see how I was. My dilemma is deepened because I promised her daughter if I ever remarried she could be bridesmaid. I am getting married next year and havnt told them about the wedding.
What should I do?
I have been ABSOLUTLEY GUTTED by their behaviour…cried my eyes out!!
So…is life too short to have people like this in it?
OR…is life to short not to meet up with someone who you were really close to.
I too had 2 friends who treated me like this, they never called or made any contact whatsoever, i too was gutted i thought these were friends for life.
Now 21 mths on i still don’t see them, one in particular has disappeared of the face of the earth lol… and i am her daughters godmother!!
My other so called friend met me one day at the school when there was a show on by the kids. We got talking and i said “well when you have cancer you certainly know who your friends are”… She still never asked how i was at this point…She replied to me “Oh everybody has a busy life and that friends always met back in the end”
I then told her that true friends never leave no matter what especially when you have such a serious illness.
I walked away from her and have never spoken to her since, i feel that people like this do not deserve my friendship so i don’t lose seep over them.
You can do 2 things you can forgive her after how she made you feel or let her back into your life waiting for the next time she abandons you!! As for your wedding well its YOUR day, you have who you want as a bridesmaid, its your happiness that matters now. Do not feel obliged i wouldn’t!!
Oh maybe I’m just having a bad day lol I’m usually such a forgiving person I’m too soft for my own good sometimes, in the end if you feel that your friendship is worth contact again go for it, as i said as long as you are happy…
The good thing is now the ball is in your court - you can decide what to do, not your friend. It may not be an easy decision to make, but in the scheme of what we have gone through, it is an easy thing.
I have always been the one who my friends ring up when they needed some advice, I think it’s bec I’m a cynic and honest (brutally at times!), so if you ever want someone to bounce ideas off - just call me.
you have just been through a very tough time, dealing with this dreadful disease, life is too short. Why let people back in when they were not there for you. My best friends stayed close by and we had just moved 350 miles away, regular phone calls and silly texts, cards and things, others not a word! We still send everyone birthday xmas cards etc. but thats it. They proved their true worth so I dont owe them anything. Dont beat yourself up over this if you have missed them and they can add value to your life, let them back in. If not and you feel they may hurt you again move on. Life is also tough!
I found out who my friends were when I was diagnosed. I was lucky because ALL of them kept in touch, came to see me or both. If people don’t know what to say to you, that’s fine as long as they say “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say” but there is no excuse for ignoring you. Personally I would forget about people like this because I truly believe that true friends are friends no matter what you, or they, are going through and they stick by each other through thick and thin. For them to make them feel like you do, on top of the cancer, is unforgivable! I would concentrate on the friends who have been there for you throughout, no matter how they have been feeling! Take care and hope you sort this out. Carol xx
Hi, I would wholeheartedly echo what the other posters have said here, and that ultimately the decision is yours- tough call though it may be! Your friend has treated you appallingly, and if you really can’t forgive her this, then that is not your fault.
I had a similar situation to yours - the friend who wasn’t there for me suddenly needed my support a year down the line when her relationship broke up and I was honest with her- we are no longer on speaking terms!!
I do often feel sad about the turn of events though and think how it might’ve been different. Going through cancer really strengthens the relationships with those that stand by you, and clears out the ones that don’t. It also makes you honest with people and value what is good in your life.
Might you try to talk to her about why she wasn’t there for you- cancer scares people and maybe she was thinking too much of her own fears rather than yours. It would certainly be very interesting to see what she has to say!
I wish you all the best in this and hope it resolves itself for you, X
I really can’t understand how they can do that and then to pretend nothing is wrong is just terrible, I would rather not have people like that in my life.
When I was diagnosed my mum, dad, brother & wife couldn’t cope with it and unfortunately I didn’t see anyone all through my chemo even though they only lived 2 minutes away. I think that that hurt me more than anything and I spent a long time thinking about ‘why’. I came to the conclusion that there isn’t any one answer, (I only asked my father last weekend the same question and he said that he needed time to think about an answer!) I also worked for the family business and I lost my job, so I had a lot of baggage to sort out in order to move on. I never thought that I could have managed without them but I did, and I know that it’s a bit of a clique, but it has made me more selective of who I give my friendship to. I am now speaking to and have a friendship with my parents, (my brother & wife say that they are too busy…that’s their sad loss!!)
but I will never be a doormat again, and I think that the friendship is now on my terms, and I don’t think that I would put up with any messing from them again. It really is something that you will have to decide yourself. I suppose that we all think in this situation everyone acts in the same way, and this just shows that everyone is different. Good luck with your decision.
Love Debbie xx
That’s the attitude to take make them come to you, its true what Bagelo says there will come a time when they need you …will you be there for them …only time will tell!!
My dad he hasn’t lived with us since i was 5, kept in contact till i told him i had BC he called once a fortnight never came near me, when my sister had her baby he jumped on a plane to go to Germany to see her. That did it for me. I got married in June 08 invited him to my wedding he came but i will never make contact with him again, he knows where i am.
Some people just make me sick this is the time we need family and friends and look what some do… I for one would never dreams of abandoning any of my mate especially not any family…
From my personal experience, I think people are genuinely ignorant about breast cancer or have been brainwashed by the press into thinking its a minor blip in your life and not a life threatening disease with some God awful treatments. I have been fortunate in the sense that my prognosis is good and I didnt need chemo. Nonetheless, I still am terrified at times about the future. I have found that most people think I am “cured” and can’t understand why the radiotherapy left me so exhaused or why I am finding it hard to return to “normal”. My cousin (a well educated man) emailed me the other day to see how I was. I told him all the usual rubbish and mentioned that I had treatment for breast cancer. He replied telling me about his family, his holiday etc and didnt even mention the fact I had BC. Either he thought it irrelevant or he couldnt find the words to say anything. My other cousins both know and have not once emailed me to see how I am. Before diagnosis, they were emailing all the time but the minute I mentioned I had cancer - zilch. Its almost as though they cant cope with any seriousness in their lives. As far as I am concerned, they can all foxtrot oscar!!
I have been in a similar position. I was friends with someone for over 10 years, we used to chat on the phone maybe once every couple of weeks but text each other every day. As soon as I told him I had breast cancer, he was nowhere to be seen, he blocked my emails, my text messages, everything and I haven’t heard from him since I was diagnosed. It broke my heart that someone could act in this manner, after all, I was still the same person. Then I looked around at all the friends who were sticking by me and becoming closer and closer and very protective of me and I realised that they friends are my true friends, the ones I can truly count on, no matter what.
You can’t judge your friends by the parties they throw or the gifts they give you, but whether they are with you in your darkest hour.
Hi, This is the first time I have joined any of the discussions in the forum, but I have looked at several and I just want to say “True Friends are there for you through the rough times as well as the good time”…
I have learned this four years ago, when my first pregency resulted in a stillbirth and several people I call friend would cross the road to avoid talking to me. In August I have diagnosed with breast cancer and my friends who stood by me in these dark days are still there for me and I hope that they will be there for as long as I need them.
Also, please take note that you make new friends in your life journey but you have not met them yet (sorry for the hallmark moment) and they will turn out to be truer frinds than the ones who are ignoring you now.
Hell ladies, i had the’ friend’ who wanted to pretend I wasn’t there when I got the bus yesterday- she even got out 3 stops before her actual one, couldn’t wait to get away from me fast enough !! Oh well her loss.
In a few words…Don’t bother with them!! You need friends by you that you can rely on through thick and thin, who won’t dessert you in your hour of need.
I had the opposite happen to me, I used to be very close friends with a couple of girls I worked with, but fell out with them 5 years ago over something which in hindsight, was very trivial. We never spoke for the whole time even though we work in the same building. But when I was diagnosed they were there for me and have supported me eversince, I never thought we would talk again, but it has taken this awful disease to bring them back to me.
Concentrate on yourself, don’t give these so called ‘friends’ a second thought, try to look foward to your wedding (have who you want as a bridesmaid)
