I have just finished my last lot of chemo (last tues) and have arranged to go back to work on the 8th March (in a very public facing and physically demanding job)I have found myself pondering how I am going to be now that “active” treatment is over and I just face tamoxifen and check ups etc.
Part of me is so overwhelmingly keen to go back to work, go back to life pre-BC, (in fact trying to continue life pre-BC as I have been doing throughout in terms of family, friends, kids (I am ok attitude)), keen to make myself look and feel attractive again, pretend it never happened.
The other part of me wants to not pretend and doesn’t want my world to forget that I have had and might yet have again BC.
I am in that place where it feels to everyone else that “I’m cured”, “life can carry on”, “phew, we don’t need to ask her about cancer anymore” and whilst part of me agrees and welcomes it the other part is scared that I won’t be able to meet their expectations and that if I fall into a dark hole or feel a new lump etc they will sigh “not again”, “you’re making a fuss”.
Nope, you’re not alone. I’m on the verge of thinking the same and think it will hit me when rads finish and I get back to work - something I’ve longed for for months, but at the same time worry about.
What do we do? I don’t know! Maybe a chat with the BCN? Any other suggestions?
I know what you mean, I got the “your cured” after I got clear margins and no nodes affected, I found this really hard to deal with as having to go through Chemo and rads and hormone treatment - does not feel like I am cured.
I am also worried of when I do return to work that chat will be stilted and I will feel like an outcast!!! Also will my battered body (once healthy before Bc) be able to deal with the demand job???
I also keep up the “i’m ok” attitude with people so find it hard to be honest when I am concerned that it will return.
I am also returning to work on ths 8th of March, I have really looked forward to saying that but now beginning to dread it!
I finished chemo in december and rads end of January I do not have any other drugs to take as not suitable for my type of bc. Keep on wondering how long before I have to go though it all again but also keep up the ‘i’m ok’ and just getting on with life.
I am going back to work on a staged return I work full time so boss wants me to do so many hours/days first week and take it from there. Have I done the right thing guess I will soon find out!
I’m going back to work next Monday - albeit one day per week from home for 2 weeks, then one day in the office for a couple of weeks, then one day in and one day at home etc until I’m back on full hours.
Why don’t we keep each other company on this thread as we return to our respective ‘normal’ lives?
Just a quick one to say good luck to you all on your return to work. I was dx Dec 2007 and was away from work until the 1st April 2008. At the time there was a thread like yours in which we all went back within a month of each other and sticking together definately helps.
Just to say for most of us the thinking about going back was actually worse than going back, after the first hour or so of “how are you” and remembering passwords etc its amazing how quickly its back to the same old same old. Only problem I seem to have is they think I am the fountain of knowledge when it comes to all cancer…believe me…I’m not. LOL!!!
Be kind to yourselves though, I didnt have chemo but the rads and drugs did make me very tired and its amazing how much using your brain again can drain you.
Thinking of you all. S x
hello ,i was hoping to return to work but as i have lymphodemia i find im restricted in what i can now do .i work in a busy shop with lots of lifting ,packing etc ,i now find im unable to do what i was before ,im feeling in limbo now ,although i have liver secs im still ok at the moment and just want some sort of life back ,was thinking of doing a course in bereavement but the fees are beyond me .so im having to rethink very carefully now as to my future .im 58 so dont think many shops would consider taking me on in the present climate ,and as i cant do much feel really down some days .im still me but slowly sinking into retirement !!
I hope geewhiz (Julie) doesn’t miond but I’ve copied below her helpful post from the radio thread which is all about exactly what we’re talking about…
'There is a very good article by Dr Peter Harvey called After Cancer from which the following is taken:
“… the end of treatment is the beginning of something else - a rebuilding process that needs to be managed and directed. Paradoxically, in psychological terms, this may be the most challenging and difficult time of all. It is a time of immense psychological vulnerability when people may feel that they have gone to pieces and simply cannot cope any more. So a word here about coping - a term as misused and burdensome as any. During treatment you deal with life as best you can because you have to. You may not be comfortable or find it easy, but manage you do. During this time, there is often a good deal of support - both formal and informal - available. You are also dealing with very obvious and tangible stresses. Then, all of a sudden, you are on your own with just as many threats but these threats are much less obvious and immediate. And very commonly, people find that when they can relax their guard a bit, let go of the reins, that’s when they feel they can’t cope, that they are going mad, not managing things. All this at a time when they - apparently - should be able to cope better because the stresses are less.”
Sorry I can’t give you a link - this is from a file I had downloaded and saved, but guess you could google and find it if you are interested.’
I did go back to work for 2 separate days between kimo and radio last month, and I found this most helpful. I get on really well with my team and they have been very suppportive and we have kept in touch by phone since dx in August. The first time I saw them I took in cakes and fruit as it was my birthday the following day. This really broke the ice and I literally had sore ribs from all the hugs I had that day and was touched by how many people from various depts came to see me.
Having done this I feel a bit more prepared for my ‘real’ first day back, as I’m hoping to slot straight back in where I left off, and hopefully won’t have to deal with all the questions as I’ve done that bit already.
It would be nice to keep in touch re how we are all coping with going back to work.
I have to say my fears are unfounded as far as work goes - I couldn’t have asked for more support whilst I have been off (full pay, regular visits with cakes, pressies, carrying forward all holiday I haven’t used in the last 6 months, managed return with as few hours or as many as I feel I can, able to pick and choose what jobs I do when I go back etc etc).
The worry for me is -
Do I wear a wig or continue as I normally am - bald? As some of you may know I’m a police officer and when I consider the hair issue I am not sure which will work best for me (self-image) and the public (both in how they respond to me and self confidence).
I want to return to full shifts asap but worry I wont manage the demands of 2 earlies (7-3) 2 lates (2-11) and 2 nights (10-7) even with the very slow start I am planning.
I in someways don’t want to be treated with kid gloves ie you can’t do that or shouldn’t - be it sudden death (emotional), violent confrontation (you might injure yourself) but in someways I worry about these things for myself and what might happen but then conversely worry that if I pick and choose jobs as suggested it will encourage me to be lazy and avoid the griefy jobs.
Not in terms of my employer but family. I have (as I am sure many of us do as women) carried on pretty much as normal at home but worry that with the return to work and everthing to everyone being as it was before when I have a wobbly (ie momentary panic of "I don’t want to die of cancer) they’ll roll their eyes if I mention it because surely now I am “cured” cos look I am as I was before!
I am sure I will manage as I do everything else and perhaps its the talking about the fears and therefore acknowledging them that will see me through any difficult times ahead.
I returned to work just over 2 weeks ago.I’m really enjoying being back to my real life,but find it hard having colleagues treat me like I’m an invalid.I try to explain that I’m fine and just feel tired when I get home. Everyone has been so kind,considerate and supportive,so I want to muck in and take my fair share of the workload and not have them think I’m a skiver.
Re the wigs/bald head issue- My hair used be nice,but is now like a poodle’s.I think the wigs are too hot,so just wear my hats which are quite funky.I think my new boss probably thinks I’m a wee bit eccentric.
Good luck to everyone starting back at work.Another rung on the ladder back to “Real Life”
Hi Weetricia - do keep us posted on how you’re getting on as you’re obviously a few weeks ahead of the rest of us.
Ostrich - re. hair/wig. I can’t help you much with that one I think as only you know the chellenges you face. Will you be on the beat or in the station? I presume that would make a difference to what you do. I’m sure your colleagues would get used to you swapping between 2 modes but understand your concerns about facing the public. Silly question maybe, but if you’re out on the beat do you wear a hat?
You obviously have a very demanding job and I would imagine you’ll only know how you’re going to be able to cope with each sitaution as you ease yourself back into it. I’ve been told time and time again that it takes longer than you think to get back into it, but like you, I don’t want to be perceived as a lightweight. I think all we can do is see how it goes, start slowly then build up as and when our confidence takes off.
My main concern is that kimo brian is going to let me down. I’m a project manager (dealing with radar) and have to go to a lot of very technical meetings. I just know I’m going to say something stupid at one of them and those that don’t know me and what I’ve been through are going to think I’m just plain thick!
Never really stopped work, but did short days during rads and took a couple of days off each cycle during Tax. It was all OK, small workplace, great team.
Finished rads early December and back to full hours after New Year…which was fine, except that January is traditionally a quiet month in my line of trade and it’s now totally full on. I can’t seem to get the sleep thing right, either not sleeping much or else snoozing for Britain.
Kimo Brian - how brilliant is that for a description of the fog that descends? Love it! Also peripheral neuropathy in fingers has produced some spectacular typo errors…I won’t relate here, it’s a moderated forum…
Right, it’s 2am and am going off to try and sleep for more than 4 hours.
