Although I am coming to the end of the physical intervention in my treatment for breast cancer, chemo done, mastectomy done, radiotherapy starts tommorrow I feel my “battle” is only just beginning. The fight to find me again. Although the staff involved with my treatment have been brilliant.I feel a lot of it was out of my control as it was a process that had to be followed to ensure a positive outcome. My body has changed, I don’t recognise the person I see in the mirror. Hair different, weight gain and minus right boob.Truthfully its the weight gain that bothers me the most even though its the most easily sorted. Cancer is a life changer in so many ways and I am begining to realise I will not be the same person I was before diagnosis as it has made me look at things very differently. Am not sure now how to move forward. My post op scan showed all the nasties have been removed and that is fantastic news however I still feel flat. All my family and friends keep telling me how well I have done, but I think you just get caught up in the momentum of all the procedures. I guess a lot has happened over a realatively short period of time. I was diagnosed at the end of Feb. Am still trying to get my head around the fact that I have breast cancer when now I need to be getting it round the fact that the cancer has been removed and what treatment is left is risk management. I know there is support to move forward, guess am just feeling a bit stuck.
I think that when treatment finishes it just hits us! After fiagnosis we really have no choice but to hit the ground running and get 9n with everything. Then everything is done and we expect to go back to how we were. But it just doesnt happen like that. We are different!!!
What you are feeling is absutely normal Bev. If you contact your BCN tjey shoild be able to access some counselling for you. You csn also acess a moving 9n course through breast cancer care.
Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time - you have been through a lot xxx
Totally agree Bev, i feel similar. Haf mastectomy in june and started chemo in August, hoping to get my final one in January after lots of delays due to side effects and allergic reactions. Im also brca2 so need further mastectomy and ovaries removed next year.
Ive put on weight, got no hair my skin has suffered and also.4 fingers nails. But im alive!
Feel.like someone took my ‘old’ life shook it up and smashed it with a sledge hammer, mothing is the same and i cant imagine how i will.ever get it back. X
I finished active treatment in March this year and was totally unprepared for the way I felt, it was like my lifeboat had been pulled out from under me, after months of appointments, tests, treatment etc there was suddenly nothing, great I was alive but nothing was going to be the same again, family and friends are obviously happy that you have “made it” and that it’s “all over now” but like you I felt the fight for me was just beginning.
I went on a Moving Forward Course with BCC which really helped, I admit I had to make myself go as all I wanted to do was hide, I also accessed help through Macmillans and my BCN arranged for me to have some counselling which is still ongoing.
Gradually I have started to do things I used to enjoy like swimming and joining a choir, I am not the person I was before diagnosis and that is really difficult to accept, my life (and body) will never be the same again but I am working on a “New Normal”, in Feb i will be seeing the Plastic Surgeons to discuss reconstruction, another huge decision that I am struggling with.
Thank you all for your kind supportive words. No one else understands what we are going through and it really helps to know im not alone.
Happy and above all HEALTHY 2018 to.you all. Xxx
I’ve just been reading a few posts as I’m recently diagnosed. I’ve just began my journey and first set back has been today where my surgeon told me that the margins are positive and I need another op next week. My sentinel nodes were clear, but the actual tumour grade was a 3 and 20mm rather than a grade 2 and 8mm.
I think I’m overwhelmed as I don’t feel as I have that much control and just going through the emotions and gettin ready again for more surgery. I’m expecting a few ups and down on this bc rollercoaster!
I think its totally understandable to feel as you do Bev. It is not easy.
My dear friend went through bc 20 years ago and she was like you and had to reform her self after it all, mainly psychologically and the impact of having tamoxifen for years did take a toll on her at first. She is still with us and doing well, with no recurrence.
Thank you so much for all your replies, so reasurring to know its not just me. Have contacted the support helpline this morning and am booked on a moving forward course in April. Have also read the article by Dr Peter Harvey, found it sensitive and informative.
My radiotherapy finishes jan 10th yeay! Reserves bit low, everyone around me of opinion thats its nearly at an end. Trying to explain to them there is still along way to go and am not jumping up and down with glee, cos don’t have the energy. Have booked a short break at centre parcs at the end of the month. Looking forward to being able to loose myself in walks in the woods and peace of being amoungst nature.
I was thinking that there was something wrong with me. Diagnosed in November had WLE and SNB just before Xmas, results today were the best they can be, all clear, good margins, treatment plan radiotherapy and Tamoxifen. But I’m feeling so flat and low when I should be feeling how lucky I am. I haven’t been through half of what the majority of ladies on here have been through, but have a cloud hanging over me, feeling that I’m never going to be like I was before, putting on the happy mask when in company and in front of my children and then crying when on my own. Sent the “all clear” texts to family and friends who were really happy and congratulating me, but now feel that I’m unable to mention how I really feel. It really helps to read the posts on here, everyone of them is so relevant being in a place where others truly understand. X
Thank you for your kind words Corrina. Just had appointment come for next Tuesday for first Oncology appointment. Had a better couple of days , taking mind off things a little, being back at work, needs must. We’ve all been through the mill, and back again. Trying not to dwell and just get on with it all. Not easy, but we all must have that inner strength in us somewhere. xx