I’m not sure I have a question or expectation for this post - but am equally just not sure where else to write or any ears that will understand & or listen.
On the 24th Jan this year - my heart sank as I knew something was wrong with my breast. I said goodbye to 2024 in Madrid after a crappy year & was welcoming 2025 full of hope. I had started a new job & was frantically running to the bathroom 5 times a day feeling my breast. After 3 rounds of antibiotics & everyone thinking i was crazy - the worst was confirmed.
I knew as I was walking down the corridor & saw the leaflets & an older looking man cross to the room I was going to. I was alone. I was 38. It was like an out of body experience. (I left my dad in the cafe as in my head i wanted to take the bullet first & protect him.)
I genuinely cannot remember much of what followed next, though somehow dragged myself through 8 rounds of chemotherapy. I lost all hair & with that almost every part of my being. I felt like i was clinging onto to life and my existence with my fingernails. I lost all my beauty. (I don’t really feel comfortable saying that but when i look back at the person i used to be i see it now.)
My breast has gone & I hate it. I don’t feel womanly. I miss what it represents. I miss the small mole I had - I think about an old memory of a boyfriend playing dot to dot from said mole down my left side. I stare at lingerie in shops and wonder why I never bought more or wore it. I miss my freedom. I miss having a period. I miss me so so much.
I never stop questioning what I did wrong. I worry about stress. I think about the children I now won’t have. I cannot take my top off. I shower in the dark & bathe in a ‘bra’.
I have had 15 rounds of radiotherapy. My bones ache, i ache. My hair is growing but I no longer know who I am. I was walking home this evening & through steamy windows see people laughing & socialising & feel such an emptiness flavoured with jealousy. I feel stuck between 2 worlds.
I can’t relate to my friends anymore & feel both a relief and a gross sense of envy that they don’t have to experience this. I have worked full time through treatment. I feel washed up at shore. I feel totally alone & exhausted.
Hi @sbee I wish I could do more to help! I just wanted to reply to let you know you’re not alone, I know the anxiety can feel overwhelming sometimes. I’m sure most of us are familiar with the spiral, and the feelings you are experiencing. Are you based in the uk now? You mentioned Madrid so I wasn’t sure and I just wanted to signpost a couple of helpful services that have helped me too, but they are UK based.
It sounds like you’re in the thick of it at the moment, I can’t promise a magical cure but I really hope you know we’re all here for you especially at times like this
Nobody reading your message could feel anything other than immense sympathy BUT you are going to have to pull yourself out of this or else you truly will spend your life looking through windows.
Let’s tackle the physical first. Have you come through the treatment with a favourable prognosis as you clearly did everything that was asked of you? Are you looking after yourself, eating sensibly and getting rest? Is there anymore to be accomplished?
This post is about you but I had all the treatments you list and, four years on, am fit, active and ME, just minus a bit of my front. I found tamoxifen and its friends gave me poor quality of life so I gave them a good go and then abandoned them. They are not obligatory but I don’t know your age or your circumstances. Some have fewer side effects than others so do your research and experiment.
You don’t need to envy your friends because nearly half of us will experience cancer in our lifetime and most of us will come through; bruised and battered, certainly, but alive and enjoying life. Above all you have to deny cancer the starring role you have awarded it. You are NOT defined by cancer. You are NOT suddenly unattractive because you are missing a breast and you are still as feminine and lovable as you always were. Turn the light on in the bathroom and make friends with your body which has carried you through a nasty disease. This is not psychobabble but reality. I still wear French lingerie in matching sets and carry myself proudly and you have much to be proud of.
As to the future, One lesson I learnt on my cancer journey is that people will respond to you in the way you present. Whilst family and friends will rally round, nobody’s patience is limitless and you need to show that you want to embrace life and that you are still the daughter/friend/colleague whose company they valued. Sure, you will have the occasional meltdown but that’s what friends are for, and their love for you will be heightened by their admiration for your courage and tenacity.
So, accept that the end of our cancer journey leaves us all feeling weak and in low mood because we have used all our energy to focus on driving out disease. Equally, your strength will return quite quickly so cut yourself a little slack, take a candlelight bath and admire what you have achieved. Then as soon as you can, put the gladrags on and push open that restaurant door and walk in to the light. We will all be cheering you on.
You are grieving the loss of the person you were, and this is a very natural and normal thing after going through breast cancer.
I had many similar feelings and it took time to come to terms with it all, but I love myself and look after myself more now than I did before, so please know that you won’t always feel how you do now. It’s a process you are going through and it will take as long as it takes, but you’ll get there.
Things that may (or may not - not everyone is the same) help:
Counselling. It sounds like it would help to talk through your feelings.
Journaling - writing down how you feel.
Mindfulness - Headspace is a great app and you can get it free via the Penny Brohn website.
Look after yourself in whatever way works for you. Read a book in bed, go for a walk, have a massage, see a friend, or whatever makes you feel peaceful and happy. You have been through a lot and you deserve it.
BC Now have a Moving Forwards course you might want to look into.
I’m not sure where you are, but Penny Brohn do retreats near Bristol where you will learn techniques to help you and where you’ll meet people like you. I went to one and found it very good.
If your low feeling is constant, think about seeing your GP to discuss how they can help, possibly including getting some antidepressants. Sometimes you need something to help yourself up from rock bottom before anything else.
None of this is your fault, any more than it was my fault that I got breast cancer, so please don’t think you did something wrong.
Let me know if you’d like any more info on any of the above and I’ll help if I can.
I couldn’t not respond after reading. I was diagnosed at age 40, so a similar age to you, and also without children. I, too, felt the incredible sadness and despair which you describe, coupled with intense fear.
Now 5 years out I can honestly say that it does get better. Believe it or not, you will enjoy life again, laugh again and cancer will not be at the forefront of your mind every day. There may be some aspects for you still to go through, such as whether you are in a position to have reconstruction if you would like to go down that route, but things will improve.
All the previous posts here have some great suggestions of support groups which I was scared to connect with early on, for fear of what I might read, but having accessed those more recently I can see what a huge support they are to those in or just out of treatment.
There is also the Younger Breast Cancer Support Group on Facebook, for those 45 and under, which is a very supportive community.
Oh sbee I just want to reach out and give you a big cuddle. As others say we’ve been there, done that and yes we came out the other side. Nobody is going to try and tell you it is/was easy, it’s so darned hard and even with lots of support it’s still a lonely place and with little support it seems impossible. At over double your age - 79 now and hopefully this week will be told I’m 2 years clear - it’s easy for me not to be concerned about the scars but I can understand how upset I would have been 40 years ago. My biggest problem was trying to find the old me. I struggled with the changes but slowly, very very slowly, I came to realise this was the new me and it was up to me if she was going to be a miserable old bag nobody wanted to be with or if I was going to be a happy and fun nanna that everyone wanted to talk to. With hindsight I like this new me, I feel freedom that I’ve never felt before and I gave cancer a mighty big kick up the backside, that’s something to be proud of. Please don’t let cancer change you in any more ways, fight it for your freedom, don’t let it win. Always remember people are always here to help, we all understand, we know how you are feeling and have got your back as you pull yourself out of the big hole you find yourself in. Wishing you easier days, happier times and a love for yourself as you discover the new you, she’s hiding just round the corner. Xx
Hugs to you Sadness. Some wonderful suggestions from others that I’ve taken on board too! I hope that in time you find life for yourself again because you deserve it. X
Hey see, lots of hugs for you today! What a tough time you’re going through! You don’t think counselling would help do you? one a day at a time, keep sharing, it sounds like you’ve hurdles to get through….
I’m coming out the other side of treatment soon, I’m getting more hopeful. Get this treatment finished, the body recovers well…
Sending Lots of of love for you today, jox
Here’s some wee numbers… The BCN
nurses are available to chat on 0808 800 6000 m-f 9-4 sat 9-1.
MacMillan also have a helpline 7 days a week 0808 800 0000 8-8.
Hello lovely, I was 39 when diagnosed (great 40th birthday present) October 2024, I too had 8 rounds of chemo then x4 EC chemo which was the worst I reckon. Then surgery & x15 radiotherapy, it’s only after it all stopped, I suffered from sudden anxiety from a side effect I was left with stomach issues. I think the other posts on here sum it up, we have to claw back to being us again. It takes time, it takes therapy which I’m now having which has helped so much. I feel you need some help to navigate here’s great, the someone like me program they offer here really helped me the ladies on the end of the phone have bed through the same as us and can really relate with words of wisdom. I think after reading your post & others, I might even be ready to go buy some nice lingerie I didn’t even think to! If I can do it, so can you xx
I’m so sorry you are so worn out and feel hijacked. It’s such a tough battle and you have been through so much- SO much.
I’m 54, just had first round of chemo after surgery. I’m also a mother and I just want to give you a big hug. Find a notebook and write 3 things down every day that you are grateful for- no matter how tiny and trivial. Take time to breathe deep and be kind to yourself. It’s ok to feel sad- you’ve been through so much and it’s all so unfair. Take care and be gentle with yourself. X
xx