I’m recently diagnosed with IDC and facing surgery and probably radiotherapy. It was found incidentally and early which I know is a good thing but when I’ve told anyone/everyone, that’s what they’ve latched on to and I get endless ‘that’s lucky’, ‘so that’s good’, ‘oh well you’ll be fine then’. I know they are just trying to be positive and reassure me but I find myself wanting to yell ‘but it’s stil f***ing cancer’!!
I’m starting to feel like I can’t talk about it because other people constantly remind me that there are others who have it much worse. Sigh.
Quaggie
Just tell them “it’s stil f*****g cancer! The crass insensitivity of telling someone with a cancer diagnosis that they are lucky is unbelievable. My sister actually said to me “well at least you will lose some weight” I nearly thumped her.
Good luck with your treatment.
Jacq x
Tbh, before I was diagnosed, I was guilty of some of these responses to others myself. Someone I knew was diagnosed not long before I was, so I did say when enquiring how things were, the ‘looking well’ comment. Oh well…, it usually stemmed from a sense of trying to reassure, rather than protecting myself.
As ever, when dealing with this from either side, just being kind is helpful.
ann x
I can really identify with some of the comments. I always use to hate people saying about losing hair - just think of all the shampoo/products/hair cuts you will save. oh yawn yawn. Never saved anything anyway - cost me more in bleeding hats! I know people were trying to be nice but still found it tiresome and dismissive.
On a bit of a different note as it was obviously not said directly to me. But - all the newpaper reports yesterday of Carrie Gracie saying, and I think originally reported from an interview she gave to the Newyorker, that she found her equal pay award fight with the BBC was “definitely worse than breast cancer” (she had). This I found irritating/dismissive/insulting - but who am I to deny another person’s direct experience.
Hi everyone, I’m new to this forum was diagnosed with dcis on 19th June I’m lucky it isn’t mobile and hasn’t spread to my lymph nodes, had my wle op on Monday, have been reading the comments on here and I can relate to some of them, I’ve been told so many times how lucky I am I haven’t got ‘it’ bad and everyone seems to know someone who has had the same as me and they are all fine, think my hubby has been the worst tho he has made me feel like what I’ve got is quite trivial like it’s not proper cancer because it hasn’t spread I know he is just trying to make me feel better but it’s making me want to scream I think he is just trying to convince himself more than me though
Sue62. Totally get the husband bit. My OH is the same when I got recall he said it was nothing when I had biopsy said it would be nothing when I had diagnosis and surgeon said if your going to get breast cancer this is the best sort to get… He said see nothing to worry about at which point I told him exactly how I felt. I know he trys to make light and be positive but he really is sailing close to the wind at the moment after 36 years of marriage I did expect more.
Lucaboo. I start my Rads in Liverpool on 30th at Aintree. My appointments are late afternoon. If you are at Aintree as well let me know we could arrange to meet up for a coffee if you want as there is a nice little coffee shop in the centre. I know this is a horrible journey I am still having melt downs and my brother in law and his wife have not been in touch with me since my husband told them I am so annoyed with them as my husband could have really done with a bit of support from his brother. It’s only when things like this happen that you really understand who cares and is there for you. You are not alone there are people here who understand and will help support you so rant and shout on here as much as you want. Sending hugs
Lucaboo. I think my appointment on 31st is at 4.15. I am on holiday at the moment managed to get them to put my Rads back by a week so I could still go away for a week. Will message you when I get back to see when your appointments are. I think I have been booked on an exercise class on Wednesday 1st at 3.00pm Not sure if they offered this to you. Hopefully we can meet up at some point as clearly we will be undergoing treatment at the same time. Best wishes Chris x
So brother in law and his wife have not been in touch since my diagnosis end of April. Her birthday was on Monday mine was last Thursday. I sent a text day of her birthday wishing her happy birthday nothing till last night when she responded. “Hope you had a fantastic birthday and enjoyed your day.” A week late and no mention of how I might be feeling or coping with treatment. So my response was quite blunt and to the point. “Not quite how I expected to be spending my, 60th birthday head down toilet due to side effects of tablets start radiotherapy for 5 weeks on Monday but thanks for your best wishes” it seems that cancer can be quite empowering on occasions and they are definitely off my Christmas card list.
Appletree no offence taken at all I have to say once I had stopped swearing I laughed about her comments for about an hour. Like you I think my Christmas list will be very different this year and any money I save I can donate to BECA so although people don’t realise their insensitive comments and actions have a positive side. Have a good day everyone I’m off for a power walk…, well a slow stroll maybe xxx
McMullen for various reasons I have very little contact with my one and only sister; no brothers. She was never very forthcoming when I was having to helo with my late Mum when she was ill and i took her shopping every week and sorted out Ant thing she couldn’t cope with. My sister was not supportive when we lost our stepfather to copd. Leaving me to assist mum with the funeral etc. Then 11 months later my Darling mum passed not wanting to spend the anniversary of her husband’s death without him! It’s all very sad and I’m sure the stress of it all contributed to my diagnosis. I’ve seen my sister about 3 times in the last 8 months and they were under my own volition. But you know what? It’s fine cos I have the best hubby, kids, grandkids and friends so it’s her loss!! We have to live forward and if certain people don’t want to come along for the ride they can just jump off!! They won’t get a return ticket though!! Best wishes to you on your journey back to full health ???
Lucaboo. So sorry we won’t be able to meet up. I have put my name down for the moving forward course which I think is in January and February of next year. Earliest one in Merseyside area. If you fancy coming on this let me know maybe we can meet up then. Will let you know how next week goes keep in touch Chris x
Sometimes it is the things that people ‘do not’ say that affect me. Some people just go silent on you, don’t they.
I am now of the opinion that after a while, people who were originally pretty much as shocked as I am about the BC, are now kind of bored with it all.
They are now over their own ‘shock’ and have all been able to carry on with their lives, just knowing that they now have a person they know who has breast cancer.
For us it is very much different, isn’t it?
Don’t know about you, but every time I put my bra on, have a bath, go outside, think about sunbathing (concerned about insect bites as since all my lymph nodes have been removed, I am at risk of lymphedema), I remember.
Haven’t started chemo yet, but soon it will be every time I look in a mirror, step on the scales or even hear the word ‘cancer’ on the radio or TV, I will remember.
Thank you everyone who posts on here; it has been so helpful reading other people’s experiences and challenges. It is good to have a chuckle isn’t it - or a little cry - or just empathy from others in the same tunnel.
I feel for everyone who has posted on here about how family/friends have reacted. I’m only at the start of my cancer journey (surgery in 6 days - eek!) but already am being surprised by how people react. Most friends have been shocked when I tell them but obviously don’t want to talk about it very much and I’m already very conscious of becoming a ‘cancer bore’. I guess I might not have known how to talk about it with someone before my own diagnosis so can have sympathy with the awkwardness of knowing what to say, or saying things that you think are comforting, when really their not.
I live alone and don’t have a partner so have, so far, been to all my meetings alone (including the one where I was told the news) and will have to go to my rads (or even chemo) alone as I have no family in the immediate vicinity and, at 45, all my friends are all at work during the day. I’ve always been comfortable in my own company and comfortable with living my independent, full of action life and never felt the lack of a partner. Until now. Now I feel alone for the first time. Although I also understand, especially having read some of the other posts, that having a partner doesn’t necessarily guarantee having someone who can offer you the support you need.
Has anyone else find it helpful to get outside/counsellor support? I’m going down that route as I think I can benefit from getting to talk to someone who is both trained and outside my immediate family/friends circle so I can be honest without hurting anyone’s feelings.
My biggest concern is that people will expect me to be ‘ok’ once the surgery/rads/chemo are done but I can see this impacting my life/confidence for a very long time to come.
Anyway, hugs to everyone who is on here - the support and insight this forum has already given me is beyond price. xxx
Hi ladies
The comments here really resonate with me, Quaggie I know exactly what you mean about the adverts, I really can’t stand “Brave the Shve”. There’s nothing brave about shaving off hair that will immediately grow back. I’m also very conscious of not saying too much and being a cancer bore, It’s also very private and I’m amazed at how many people feel it’s ok to ask me exactly what the surgeon is going to do to my boob!
Lucaboo please treat yourself to the most beautiful clothes you can find, you are so worth it. I’m done with saving anything for best and am busy wearing my most gorgeous clothes every day. Makes me smile.
Love and hugs
Jacq xx
Morning ladies, interesting to read all the comments below. I’m at the beginning or my journey having been diagnosed with DCIS on 11th July, with mx planned for early September and generally everyone has been really lovely. I am getting the ‘arent you lucky comments’ which seem a little odd thinking about the surgery ahead, but yes I’m lucky I won’t need chemo and very aware of that.
My father is the strangest though …
“how are you feeling ?” Fine same as yesterday. “No change then?” No not until surgery … then ending his call with “hope you feel better” … nope, I’m definitely going to feel worse soon!!
“let me introduce you to our friend that had breast cancer” - thanks but no, I’m meeting someone who has had the same as me, has been treated by the same surgeon and is around my age (my parents are 80 so friends similar, I’m 47). “She’s a very intelligent lady” ?!?!
I know he means well, but I wish he’d shut up!!! ??.