Oh my! There are so many things here which resonate with me. The comments which I have experienced and have grated on me the most are:
At least you caught it early. (Yes, great. But so far I’ve had two operations and I still need a year’s worth of gruelling treatment.)
My friend had breast cancer five years ago and she’s fine now, doing really well. (Oh well, that’s alright then. Just like a bad dose of the flu.)
When I first went to the GP to have my lump checked out and I had told some of my work colleagues, they assured me it was probably nothing to worry about. (How wrong can you be?)
My husband is finding it hard to cope with my diagnosis and has been down in the dumps. He didn’t really feel like celebrating Christmas, to which my Mum said to me, “It’s not like you’re dying.”
My friend made a big thing of telling me all about a friend of hers who had gone through breast cancer treatment. She said how positive she had remained throughout. I told her about my next step which is chemotherapy She then went on to say, “My friend got through it without any problems. OK, she lost her hair but it’s no big deal!” (No big deal?? Are you going to join me then and have your head shaved?)
I think it’s good that we can all have a rant on here. I have bitten my tongue too many times!
Seaside sar it’s a great forum for venting isn’t it? Sorry you’ve had insensitive comments too, rest assured there’s always some here to share with. I hope your treatments are going as well as can be expected. Maggie x
Yesterday my sister-in-law sent me three long texts about how traumatic it is trying to find a bikini when you have huge boobs. Went on and on about what a trial it is for her. I had my mastectomy 5 weeks ago so just sent back “imagine how challenging it is when you have one boob”. That seems to have shut her up ???
We’re a group of 4 mums who met at the school gates and have stayed friends (our boys are all grown up now). One of the ladies, over Christmas, said “statistically they say it happens to 1 in 4, so one of us was going to get it”. Well I’m so glad I could step up to the breach for the rest of you!
I’ve also had two people so far tell me that my decision to cold cap is about vanity. Not understanding that it’s more about self esteem and trying to keep a little bit of “me”
DebsE I’ve had the 1in 3, 1 in 4 remark too, love it when people think aloud…
I’m sure you don’t need me to say it, but the decision to cold cap is yours and yours alone, nothing to do with vanity or anyone else, we all make the best treatment decisions for us and none of us want to even have to!! All the very best for your treatment Mxx
Debs - get the " vanity people " to shave their hair and eyebrows off and pluck out their eyelashes for the duration of your chemo treatment then ask them do they feel the same ??? You are just trying to hold on to a bit of normality and feel better about yourself .I do think people really struggle to know what to say and not for the lack of care can say things that offend but the vanity comment is pretty awful !!!
I now have quarterly appointments with a psychiatrist, for a prescription of an SSRI that my NHS Trust keeps red-flagged. The psych is delightful and well-intentioned and has tried to reassure me regarding chemotherapy and its potential dire consequences for my sickness and eating phobias by telling me every visit that she has watched her “mother-in-law go this three times and she’s always managed.” THREE TIMES?? Once was more than I’d planned. It has planted a little niggle of doubt I am trying hard to ignore about the efficacy of chemotherapy but I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Generally I’ve found people are saying the ‘right’ things but it amuses me when someone says I’m doing so much better than they expected. Best not to examine that any further.
Most infuriating is the advice about getting out more, meeting people and trying to keep my life on track. I am doing the best I can, judging what suits my mental wellbeing as much as my physical wellbeing. And I’ve only had the first 2 EC treatments so give me some time please. What works for one person doesn’t mean it is right for everyone. Lying in a stupor over the weekend, only able to feel my body by physically touching my skin, I could have felt very angry - only I hadn’t the energy to care. I know activity is important but there are days when it’s a physical impossibility. But everyone knows someone who carried on working full time, running their families and going to the gym. Sorry, it doesn’t inspire me (though I’m awe-struck at those who cope this way).