Hello,
Crying my way through joining a club no one wants to be in…at 39.
I found a lump in the outer edge of my right breast in mid-July. I visited the GP as it felt hard & I was really worried. He referred me to the breast clinic with the reassure that his clinical opinion was that it felt benign - moved about, was probably a fibroadenoma.
I went to the breast clinic later that week. The consultant had a feel at it, said he agreed with my GP - it felt benign. I made sure he knew that I have had swollen lymph nodes all over my body for 4.5yrs, & that my GP & the hospital have just called them ‘idiopathic’, said they would be ‘really huge’ if I had a lymphoma (which was my real concern when I first found them in 2020 & would keep growing - this isn’t always true at all). I was sent for blood tests, given folates for 3 mths, which I did not take. No one did any scans (US or MRI). Said my bloods were fine, they’re ‘idiopathic’ - no further action. Take Ibuprofen if they give you any pain. They have been permentantly present ever since, some stay the same, some get bigger & smaller.
The breast clinic consultant shrugged, said it could be I have a swollen inframammary node & that’s what the lump is. Probably benign - there’s no space for same day imaging today (26th July), so I need to come back, we’ll do ultrasound on 2nd August.
I went to my Breast Clinic appointment on the 2nd August. I could tell after ultrasound that everyone was acting very stranger & asking weird questions like had I come alone? I was terrified.
Mammograms then took place, both sides. Another ultrasound of both sides.
They spotted a 8mm cyst on the left that I had no idea about. Took biopsies of what they said was 11mm & definitely not a cyst, on the right - the one I could feel.
The Advanced Practitioner Nurse then saw me before I left. She said they are sure it is breast cancer & my world fell apart.
I cried, & asked all those selfish ‘why me?’ questions, & was in immediate grief for my health, my body, my life style…
I don’t feel 39 - I am fit, healthy, strong, I hike, I do yoga 4x a week, I work full time as a primary school Social Worker. My favourite weekend & holiday activities are climbing waterfalls, wild swimming, hiking to remote historic sites.
I split up with my partner of 12yrs in January. Trust was gone. I’ve got no children & never wanted any, but now am so glad I made that choice & they would not need to watch this. My own mum died if MND when I was 26 (it was horrendous). I’m worried about my niece & nephew & my sister…I’m ‘fun, adventure auntie’…I wanted that for a lot longer…my beloved dad, who’s side I stood at as we cared for mum together (my sister & her family live in Holland): dad & I are each other’s best friend, rock, support for everything…he’s my hero…
He’s been at every appointment with me & I know he’ll keep that up, but how can he do this illness thing again with his youngest little girl? Because I know that’s all he sees - his baby, the poor man.
I have to go back for the results of my biopsy on the 15th Aug…it feels way too long. I’m terrified they’re letting it spread if it’s a BC, I’m terrified I’ve actually had lymphoma for 4yrs, as I was afraid at the time & this is, though rare, breast lymphoma now. I’m horrified by the idea of surgery - I have a deep fear of blades & being cut, & of scarring I can’t accept.
I have never, ever had issues about my body - I know this will give me those & make me withdrawn & depressed if it is done in a way I can’t look at or accept. I’m worried I caused it & it’s my fault for having taken the pill for 12yrs (I stopped it immediately on Friday) & drunk alcohol socially with my family & friends. My risk factors end there as far as I know - last person in my family to have breast cancer was my great aunt & that started as a skin cancer on her forehead.
The nurse talked about Chemo, & radiotherapy… I have long, curly hair - such a huge part of my personality, as is my body confidence, & taking care of, working hard on eating a good diet & keeping fit & strong…
My whole life will change now.
Surgery, different body, different feelings, possible forced menopause, bald, sick, unable to do what I love.
Everyone keeps telling me how a positive attitude is key - but I’m just beyond sad right now, I’m angry, I can’t eat or sleep for fear. I love my life & who I am - no one wants to have to do this.
I’m sorry I’ve ranted - it felt a little better just to be honest & hope I won’t be judged, though. I guess I just have to suck it up & get on with it, & hope for the best possible news from the biopsy that it is only there.
I’m probably sounding ridiculous given what some of you will be going through/have been through, to be like this at this stage.
One day at a time.
I wish I could sleep.
The 15th is so long.
Much love
Amy x