The 'what ifs'

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So, some of you members who’ve been recovered for years, how do you get over the daily worry and when does it get easier ? I’m a positive thinker, at least I think I am. I know the pretty good stats, I know people are keeping an eye on me, I know there are lots of other treatments…etc…if I was to talk to anybody else who was anxious I would know exactly what to say and how to rationalise things…but can’t do it myself at times. 

 

The what ifs are imagining stray cancer cells, ( I was stage 1 with lumpectomy clear margins, no lymph node involvement, exactly a year ago) travelling here and there. Worrying that even though my nodes were clear, what if the cells went via a different lymph route? What if when they did the biopsy or surgery there were cells that got into my blood stream? What if it recurs and I don’t know as my boob is so lumpy and larger? I was borderline for chemo and didn’t have it…so what if I made a mistake as the cells were grade 3?  What if there is something growing elsewhere right now (my surgeon said they couldn’t guarantee that cancer cells wouldn’t ‘pop up’ elsewhere) , so that remains on my mind. I know, I know…lots of things that aim stressing about…usually I am just active and getting on with life and not thinking about it. However, it is because I feel so ‘normal’ at times that the sudden jolt of fear feels so bad. 

 

I know and understand cbt, and with a psychology background I try and adopt strategies which will minimise anxiety, but still it drops on into my head a good deal…as I’m sure it does for so many women who also come  to these forums. 

 

I guess there isnt isn’t an answer, maybe just time and slow adaptation to the situation will help?

 

thoughts welcome. 

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If anything has done a moving on course, one not offered I here, I’d be interested to hear the tips they gave you…

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Hello Charys, this is the big question, and I don’t have an answer even though I’m nearly two years on. I’m hoping someone else will be able to help you (and me).  I have been wondering if people with side effects from hormone tablets find it harder to ‘move on’ (like me).  My friend doesn’t need hormone treatment, and nearly 3 years on, she says she rarely thinks about bc now - really only if I’m wittering on about it, and is totally getting on with her life - her one stress is that her nipple points the wrong way!  It would be interesting to find out whether those of us taking hormones, and having  painful side effects, have this constant reminder of bc and therefore find it difficult to forget.  Probably not just hormone difficulties, but  physical problems too have a bearing in combatting the emotional fallout of our diagnosis. 

I found on my notes I had lymphovascular invasion, but no chemo offered, but do remember asking surgeon and she said not to worry about it. These things seem to keep coming back and haunting me, but just have to think that she knows best and to believe her.

In regard to Moving Forward courses, I did a Wellbeing one at my hospital - the best thing was meeting other ladies and talking to them.  We still meet up every 2 months.  It did offer info on various topics (aaah, can’t remember anything except a talk about if you have healthy eating there is no need for supplements) and we also used the gym with ‘safe’ exercises.  It didn’t actually tackle how you ‘move on’!!!

Someone come and help us.  :catvery-happy:xxx

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THanks Lizred, for taking the time to reply. I think you are right, and I’ve been thinking the same myself…if you loose the panic and fear by accepting that ‘things are possible’ then you aren’t forever chasing around in your head. Before I was diagnosed my husband said to me, and I was furious with him at the time, that I might have bc. I didn’t want to hear this, I was terrified, as we all are/ were of that diagnosis. He was preparing me so that the fall of finding out would maybe not be so large, and getting me to accept that I might need to move forward and ‘deal with’ the treatment. I’m not saying that I ever want to have a positive result for bc again, but, maybe by thinking ‘I might do in  the future, the statistics don’t show that as will, but anything is possible’ it means you can focus on the positive that there are treatments and much hope. X

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Ladies

 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I have been struggling the last couple of days but not really knowing why, and this is very unusual for me because throughout my journey, as a lot of you know, I have been very upbeat and positive.  I have been reading all your posts, especially Butterfly, and I actually feel sooooo much better, I feel as if a cloud has lifted today because I think that it is perhaps, even though my Oncologist told me I was cancer free, what I have been feeling is this fear of it returning.

 

I am only 6 months post diagnosis so have yet to go through the potential anxieties of that first mammogram etc., but I know with the support of you all I will get through that part and move on again 

 

I have made some very special “friends” on here, and the support throughout the time I have been on here has been absolutely second to none.

 

Helena xx

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Evening Ladies, from another 10 yearer.

I’m with Roadrunner’s not allowing it to rule or run your life. I’m with Butterfly with use of the word vigilant in the being aware sense.

I have other probs, mental and physical health wise, but as far as BC goes, someone gave me these words years ago and they stuck - “Go forward with confidence and deal with more, as and when you need to”. 

 

Love to everyone and have a good weekend.

Dellywelly xxxxxx

 

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Yep, couldn’t agree with you more, Kiki, in the need to “connect” with fellow experienced women, when the need arises or even doesn’t, but we have our fears of it doing. On here, we can have a heart to heart exchange of notes and can actually “empathetically” support, as opposed to “sympathetic”, because we’ve actually shared and experienced the same - that’s soooo invaluable.

Listen - any of you who keep thinking it IS going to RETURN, please stop it. Yes, it may very well do, and we have to be “sensibly” aware that it “can/could”.BUT,  if you have any concerns about pains, wherever they are in your bod, go get them checked out. This is what I keep referring to in my repeated use of the phrase, “Remain Vigilant” - Just go get it checked. But please stop “imagining” the WORST, before anything may even have developed!! If there is ANY sort of concern or doubt . .  with “owt” (note the clever rhyming - I’m desperately “trying” to make light here!! :smileyhappy:), before you’ve even had anything further checked - do please try not to worry.

I may be lucky, in the fact that my doc, is with me, in being very conscientiously aware, of any secondary possibilties with me. But they do sometimes need to be kept reminded!

Worrying about something physical, without being sure or certain of what it IS, and what you THINK it could be, is such a waste of energy that could be put to faaar more productive use to yourself.

xxxxxxxxx 

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In my head and my heart I feel and assume the cancer will come back and it’s a question of when rather than if…but therefore I don’t worry about the what ifs really.

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Exactly Delly…I’m becoming very fatalistic I think! We live in such an uncertain world…a year ago I thought I was reasonably fit and healthy with my life reasonably happy and sorted, then I got two cancers and my dad just died.I now don’t expect things…good or bad…to last forever.x

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Oh, flippin 'eck Treeze. Jeeez, have just caught up on another post that you lost your Dad :smileysad: Ooooh, my darlin girl. I can’t tell you how sad and upset I am to hear that. Am choked up for your loss. You must be feeling totally and absolutely gutted and distraught. Can’t find the right words. There was me trying to gee you up with suggestions for when he’d recovered - so sorry. Tragic. That’s on top of what you’re going through yourself. Gonna have to break off for a while xxxx 

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My Dear Treeze, I don’t know if you’ve yet had your Dads funeral. I read these words at my Dad’s, Mum’s and bruvs funerals, and it’s really helped me, in my own current state, to revisit them again. Hope they give you some comfort, dear friend.

 

“I am so sorry for your loss”

 

A loved one is a treasure of the heart, and losing a loved one is like losing a piece of yourself. But, the love that this person brought you did not leave, for the essence of the soul lingers.

It cannot escape your heart, for it has been there forever.

Cling to the memories and let them find their way to heal you.

The love, the laughter, the joy in the togetherness you shared, will make you strong.

You’ll come to realise that your time together, no matter how long, was meant to be, and that you were blessed to have such a precious gift of love in your life.

 

Keep your heart beating with the loving memories, and trust in your faith to guide you through.

Know that, though life moves on, the beauty of their love stays behind to surround and embrace you.

Your loved one has left you that . . . to hold in your heart forever.        (Debbie Peddle)

 

Much love to you and all others who are also grieving.

Delly xxxxxxxxxxxx

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How kind of you Delly xx We have to wait another fortnight for the funeral as my nephew is travelling in New Zealand and needs to get back.I may struggle to hold it together at the service as it’s in the church first so there will be hymns and prayers which always set me off! Easter was very odd, going out for days without him walking next to me.Thank you so so much for your kind words.I’ve managed to start back in work…10 hours cleaning in a nice department store…nice people and it’s not too strenuous.Find it hard going past his bungalow and he’s not there and when 5 o’clock comes and I can’t ring him.Your kind.words really help…thank you.xxx

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My dear Treeze - Goodness - you are soo welcome.

I still shed tears. It’s only natural and important to. I sooo understand what you say about reminders. Be they smells, music, places, all sorts of things that spark off memories. Please bear it in mind, that no-one, at such a time of traumatic loss, can expect you to “hold it together”. Don’t ever think it a sign of weakness - it’s actually a sign of just how much you loved and cared about your Dad, that person. The more you love - the more you grieve for their loss.

I also still laugh at many shared memories, the daft things I shared with them. Equally as important and all part of.

You really and truely are in my thoughts and heart at such an awfully upsetting time. Hope you can and do bring out some of the “joyful”, humourous side of your Dad at his funeral, and that it gives you some comfort to do so.

 

Much love to you and everyone else here

Delly xxxxxxxxxxxxxx