I’m having a difficult day & am consumed by why this happened to me. Does anyone else do / think the same? I had an incredibly difficult 2024 & some tough years before that (relationship breakdown / redundancy / dog needed to be put down / family challenges) that I sometimes wonder if stress has just imploded in my body.
I’m actually driving myself slightly insane - was it specific foods? Alcohol? A coated pan that apparently I shouldn’t use? Living in London? My hormonal challenges? 6 months before diagnosis I paid for a private blood test and the results came back with high testosterone levels which I went to the gp about & I was then sent to a gynaecologist. They weren’t particularly supportive and her whole discussion was around my reproductive health which frustrated me. (i have endometriosis and she advised hrt or the coil) & didn’t know anything about my personal situation. She was frustrated i had paid private, and wanted more tests. I had a breakdown post redundancy and didn’t go but I’m angry that no one highlighted the relationship between the two.
I am struggling to cope. My family are too & they blame me at times. I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.
Sorry that you are having a bad day. This is a lot to take in and cope with so it’s normal to struggle sometimes.
I’ve had a healthy lifestyle and never had anything wrong with me so like you tried to find a reason. That 125ml (strictly no more as I’m intolerant of any more) that I have several nights a week. Being on HRT for 1 year? Or is it just being female and 58? We won’t ever know the why, we are just the unlucky 1 in 7 but we will all get through the ups and downs of this together be well treated to get over it. Sending hugs. None of this is your fault x
Thank you for your reply. I’m 38 and feel my life has been totally destroyed. I have a rare type of cancer & somehow feel like I’ve pulled the shittest cards from the shittest pack. My parents say it’s my fault for not going to the blood test and I am consumed by regret and guilt.
Called macmillian, they told me to call 111, been on hold for 12 minutes.
So very sorry that you are struggling so much and have had such an awful time. I shared your feelings about the cause as I was diagnosed after three very difficult years . The low lights were the death of my two wonderful aunties followed by the collapse of both my parents health and me becoming their care organiser and often their carer whilst trying to keep my career and relationship going from distance - failing at all of it and succumbing to a retinal vein occlusion which has permanently damaged my eyesight. Then the stresses of COVID and Mum’s death in April 2021 followed by my diagnosis in November of the same year - I was a grade 1 stage 1 caught early and knew I was lucky but at the time I felt like I was a boxer who had taken far too many punches to the head . I’m sure that stress played a part and I blamed myself for not handling it better / doing things differently / looking after my own health better / working lots of night shifts but whilst I still think that both my lifestyle and stress probably played a part the truth is that breast cancer is a very common disease affecting 1 in 7 women . Yes we would all be luckier if we were one of the other 6 but at the end of the day - why not us ?
It’s also quite natural to be angry and to lose trust in medical professionals and the process - i was pretty angry and bit my friend’s head off when she told me to think positive.
I’m a member of 2 support groups and have breast cancer survivors amongst my friends and acquaintances that I wasn’t even aware of because they’ve chosen not to talk about it. We are different shapes sizes and ages we have different family/ medical histories and different lifestyles - there’s even a couple of men .
It’s like any other thing - you can drive yourself mad wondering why and what you could have done differently that might have prevented it - it’s part of a drive to regain some control over your life - at the stage you are at now this is what I found hardest . During your investigations / treatment answers will be found if there are any to be had and you will gradually be able to regain control of life and decide if you want or if it’s feasible to make any changes that will support your health in the future .
I’m sorry that you are struggling with your family relationships following diagnosis - this is a problem for many of us , not just yourself . Family friends and colleagues can be dismissive , can turn their back on you for various reasons or can make comments that are highly inappropriate or can simply not know what to say or do for the best . The truth is that even with the best support cancer can be a lonely place - so I’m sending you a huge hug .
There’s a lot of information out of the here and a lot of it is rubbish or out of date. It might help to talk to the Nurses on the helpline here available 9am to 4pm Mon - Fri and 9am to 1pm Saturday on 0808 800 6000. They may be able to clarify some things for you and point you towards helpful information.xx
You’re not the only one to feel guilty for not getting things checked sooner or potentially ignoring a worrying sign - I’ve read quite a few threads on this subject . I got another lump in my breast after radiotherapy and sort of blocked it out for two or three weeks as there was lots going on in my life and I couldn’t face it - it turned out to be harmless but it might not have been. For three days I passed off my retinal vein occlusion as migraine - this meant I got diagnosed on a Bank Holiday weekend at a different hospital and didn’t get the best care .
Your parents are angry because they care about you and they’re scared now - they will forgive you and you need to try to forgive yourself . We have all made mistakes in our lives and some are more costly than others and it’s not always possible to know which ones those will be. Would having a blood test have led to a diagnosis of breast cancer ? In many cases being diagnosed a bit later doesn’t make much difference if any to treatment plan or outcome. Again I’m sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Xx
Hi @sbee, how are you? Today is a new day and I hope you are kind to yourself, and this new day looks better and brighter for you than the previous one.
There’s no right or wrong way to feel, you’ll probably go through many emotions and it can be overwhelming.
You mentioned your family, everyone deals with difficult news in different ways, so it can be really helpful to discuss your feelings with those close to you and let them know how they can help you. Try not to feel like you need to put on a brave face for the benefit of others, or that you need to hide your feelings, as this can feel like an extra burden.
We’re always here for you, and for anyone who needs us, or has any questions, just a message away.
I know that I have mentioned this in the past but you may find really helpful to talk with one of our nurses. You can reach us on freephone 0808 800 6000 (Mon-Fri 9am-4pm; Sat 9am-1pm).
Hi @sbee Thinking of you. I think we all think there may have been something we should have done that could have prevented this diagnosis but as @JoanneN has already said 1 in 7 of women will get breast cancer and for many different reasons.
I have spoken to you a couple of times on the forum and hope that you know you are listened to and supported.
What area of the country are you in? Is there a Maggie’s or London based Future Dreams? A local support group for breast cancer patients/survivors, try Facebook. I have found being with others that have been affected by cancer know how you feel.
I lost a very good friend of 20 years because she didn’t like me saying she hadn’t supported me in the months following my diagnosis especially during chemo. She couldn’t understand what she had done, a text and a card through the door said the same thing, even after I had said how hurt I felt. For my own wellbeing I stopped any further contact, if she couldn’t see my side after a life changing experience as this, then she wasn’t worth my time.
Family is much harder but I would suggest you tell them how you feel and that their comments are hurtful and you just need support and kindness. Be kind to yourself.
You have been going through so much with your treatment.
I am in a very complex situation - In that I live by myself and have been trying ro to work full time so have been between London and Devon. This means that I’ve been discharged from the home care team in London as they’re unable to see me every 3 days which is their requirement.
My family live in Devon and the weekends are now pretty tortuous for me. Everyone else ticks on as normal and I’m stuck in hell. They say they can’t cope anymore and that this will finish them off etc etc which only makes me feel worse.
I have many days where I question if I can carry on like this.
I think you’re doing fine, but you need to find some empathetic support outside of your family unit who are clearly in a different place to you and dont know what to do or say and everything feels horrid at the moment so please ask your team if there are local groups like Maggies Penny Brohn Future Dreams etc for help and support
If not then your GP ( or family GP) may have details)
Please call the nurses on here on Monday and if you’re feeling very low the Samaritans on 116123 or MIND on 0300 123 3393 ( Monday to Fridsy,)
For now please go for a walk, meet a friend for a cuppa, listen to music etc… You need to distract yourself and close off the noise
It will get easier so 1 day or 1 hour at a time for now is all you need to do and tell people that they need to be kind
You may also find helpful to speak to Samaritans, Macmillan Cancer Support (their helpline is open every day 8am-8pm, on freephone 0808 808 0000) and/or Shout.
And please think about getting in touch with our breast care nurses, they will be able to listen to you and provide support.
I’m not sure whether my experience will help you - and you may disagree with my approach - but I am hoping it gives you some relief.
When I first had breast cancer, back in 2003, aged 47, I asked myself the same questions as you and every time an article appeared about the possible causes, I added to my list of things I’d potentially done wrong. It became quite a long list! But slowly I realised something: that this approach didn’t change anything but did have the potential to make me feel guilty and depressed about things I couldn’t change with the benefit of hindsight.
I took Tamoxifen for 5 years, put on 2 stone - and was part of the 20% who don’t automatically lose the weight when they stop! Still, I was lucky - I was healthy if overweight and life slowly returned to pretty much normal. Then, after 19 years, whilst investigating another health issue, I was diagnosed with SBC and bone mets. And of course I asked the same questions - what had I done wrong? What was the cause? And yet again, I’ve had to learn the same lesson - that knowing the cause wouldn’t change where I am now. I have to deal with the situation I find myself in, as you do - and concentrating on that has helped me. I won’t pretend it’s easy - nobody’s cancer journey is easy and you’re at the start of yours. I hope you can start to look forward and that your family support you as you do.
What did you feel you did wrong @hilaryt45? If you don’t mind me asking. I’m sorry to read of your experience. I don’t understand why life is so cruel at times.
Finish them off? Jeez. My reply would be: “Finish you off? I doubt that very much. Get cancer - better still, take mine, then you can talk about finishing you off.”
Probably tempted to add stop being so dramatic at the start too
I am not afraid to call out people and it wouldn’t bother me if that made a bad situation worse. It might get them thinking. It would certainly make me feel better.
My hubby died last year - my bestie would not shut up that she knew how I felt as her brother died years ago. I was politely trying to tell her it’s totally different, never worked. What did was a quick: “Unless you married your brother, made vows to each other and slept next to him for nearly 40 years, you’ll never be close to knowing how I feel.”
She got the hump, did her best fish out of water impression and several hours later apologised for not really putting herself in my shoes.
Home truths hitting home and all that.
I do hope you find relief soon. Do talk to the nurses on here or you can call Maggie’s. If your family are struggling, Macmillan have lots of support content.
Oh, there were some silly things - like a newspaper headline stating a study had said taking regular ibuprofen increased breast cancer risk. In fact, since then, further studies now say the opposite! The main thing was gaining weight. The thing is, my increased weight was caused by taking tablets to try and control bad migraines and bouts of anxiety and depression. If I hadn’t taken the drugs, I couldn’t have functioned day to day, back then. (I reckon every drug ever prescribed to me has had the side-effect “weight gain”) So what alternative did I have? None!
The thing is, there will be research to discover why some women develop breast cancer and others don’t - and the many factors contributing to it. And that’s how it should be, of course, to help women in the future and stop this terrible disease. However, when we see headlines about the research, we inevitably think, “Is that what I did “wrong”? And we shouldn’t because it creates an unnecessary sense of guilt when we should be concentrating on what we are doing “right” for healing and carrying on with life in the most positive way we can manage.
@sbeePenny Brohn charity are based in North Somerset and offer many online courses. They have a treatment support programme, which I highly recommend, they discuss exercise and nutrition and always with a doctor. They also have follow up sessions once you have completed the 4 sessions.
There are many other sessions that you can access remotely.
Thanks all for your replies. I’m still not feeling so great - went to try and speak to someone at the hospital last night but waited for 3+ hours by which time I was all cried out and exhausted so decided that I just couldn’t wait any longer.
I’m waiting on mri results which is unsettling me, have challenges at work and really really don’t want a mastectomy which is keeping me awake at night. X
If you can find somebody locally to you that has also been diagnosed with breast cancer you might find it helpful to talk them.
Waiting on results is always a tense time, I’m booked for my annual mammogram on 11 July and just knowing I will have it and wait for results is causing anxiety.
Have you signed up for * Someone Like Me: Will match you with a trained volunteer who’s had a similar experience to you. They’ll be a phone call or email away to answer your questions, offer support, or simply listen. Call on 0800 138 6551 or contact our email volunteers
Thanks a lot @naughty_boob - appreciated.
I did sign up for the “someone like me” thingy but got myself into more of a state as they didn’t have anyone that had been through IBC (i know it’s rare, but that really hit home) perhaps I will try to revisit it again.
If the mri comes back with not much difference from the mid cycle then they won’t push for the 8th chemotherapy. If there is a difference they will. I’m not sure which way I would like it to go if I’m honest. X
