i was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer in april, i had no symptoms it was picked up on a routine mammogram, i was totally gutted, i had 2 lots of surery but i kept my breast. i then had 17 radiotherapy sessions , and i am on tamoxifen for the next 5 yrs…my rads finished in august. but im still so tired, and all i seem to do is cry. i dont feel like me anymore, i looked forward to finishing my treatment so much and i really thought i could put it all behind me, it just aint turned out that way . all i want to do is sleep, or cry. is this normal ? i have my first appointment with my oncologist today post treatment and iv woke up in tears , i have a fantastic hubby and family and brilliant support from my friends, but i seem to have gotten lost somewhere, please tell me if this is a normal reaction, i so want to be me again.
Hi Angiem
That sounds familiar! This whole thing is such a shock and we and our nearest and dearest do have high expectations for life to go on as before; but this illness is not like that. Its such an emotional shock to the system and thats not to mention the treatments we go through. My onc told me it would be a minimum of 6 mths before I start to feel better, as I was telling her I haven’t had a day where i feel well yet. I finished chemo in March and rads in May and I’m still waiting. It may be worth you discussing your feelings with your GP as you may have a bit of depression, which is hardly suprising.
Take care
Julia xx
its such a dreadfull feeling. i feel i should be happy and jumping 4 joy. it just aint happening i think i will mention it today to my oncologist. i think your rite. i may have depression , i cant explaine how i feel… i seem to have lost all feelings except sadness . thank you so much 4 taking the time to write xxx
Try taking a look at the following article:
cancercounselling.org.uk/northsouth/extra4.nsf/WebResHarvey?OpenView&ExpandAll&Count=500
It’s written by a clinical psychologist about the emotional aftermath of cancer treatment
I felt as if I had stepped off a cliff when my treatment finished. My oncologist referred me for some counselling with a clinical psychologist attached to my clinic. I know it’s not for everyone, but in my case it really helped.
thank you for your comments ladies. the thread was brilliant. it makes you realise your not alone , or going mad . well i went to see my oncologist yesterday… and his first words were oh dear angela you have put on 2 stone in 2 months, how do you feel in yourself. when i told him with tears running down my face,he explained that what i was experiencing were the side effects of my hormone therapy.as well as the total shock to the system i had on diagnosis. the large weight gain is in fact fluid retention, whoop whoop. i thought it was all part and parcel of doing nothing due to no energy and that i would have to go on a diet even though i am not eating any more than before . well he has changed my medication and he said he has lots of other medication that he can chop and change if this one dosent suit me, he examined me, the first time since treatment finished, and he found no problems there… thank god … so hopefully things will soon settle down and i will begin to feel like i am me again… and i havent cryed this morning … yet xx
Hope you don’t mind me coming in here, I went back for my results yesterday post op, and was told surgery went well, clear margins and lymph nodes clear, results not back for hormone receptors though, just waiting for some rads, but prognosis is good. Everyone keeps saying oh you must be delighted, and that’s excellent news, yes, but why do I feel numb, I don’t feel like I should be celebrating, I just feel really tired and want to cry all the time - is this normal?
I can’t tell people how I feel as they think I’m being really strong and positive.
Hi, I am new to the forum but I empathise with how you feel. I was diagnosed in August 2010 with DCIS via mammogram - no symptoms whatsoever - and was catapulted in to the whirlwind of treatment. At first it was going to be lumpectomy and Rads but there were 2 margins that were not as clear as the surgeon required them to be and as I only have tiny boobies, I opted for right breast mastectomy and immediate reconstruction using Strattice. That has been done and although they found a bit more DCIS in the remaining breast tissue they removed, other than the plastic surgery to inflate/exchange the tissue expander and augment the “good” breast to give me a matching pair, that is that. No rads, no Tamoxifen as it was ER neg - they made me feel like I was being told “run along now dear, close the door on your way out” as I am “done”. I don’t feel “done” though. I feel that there should be more. I am “cured” (as much as any one can be with DCIS) with minimal risk of recurrence and no more risk of getting it in the other breast than the next person. SO why am I still feeling very low and weepy? I just can’t get my head round this at all.
It feels like I have been abandonned. Friends from work were very supportive at first but I haven’t seen anyone for 6 weeks now and some - who I thought were my closest friends - haven’t even replied to my e-mails / facebook messages, yet I know they are on there all the time. There is a work “do” tomorrow which I have been invited to but I do not know if I have the confidence to go. Hubby has been OK but he never lets me forget that he has a responsible job and until I flipped earlier this week, he was not giving me any time at all. He is taking tomorrow off to be with me. However, thinking I was going to be alone all day again, I have made appointments for Friday am - our cancer support centre has massage therapy and I have finally got on for Counselling, which I think will benefit me greatly. I am not cancelling them so he might as well not have bothered taking the day off. His idea of taking me out will only be a trip to Tescos any way. This morning he asked what I will be doing today. I said I was going to dye my hair (in case I sum up the courage go to that do tomorrow, don’t want to look as old as I feel!!) and he stayed home for about an hour and helped me. Maybe he is getting the message???
As for going back to work - heaven only knows how I will cope with that. I will not go back till I have had all my surgery but the thought of it terrifies me. I can do phased return, which will be best. However, it is a very stressful job, might have to see what else is going but I am in Public Sector so I might have to just grit my teeth and stick with it. I will see about that with the counselling. I know that I am nowhere near ready yet, perhaps I am expecting too much? All this trying to keep positive is a killer in itself. I can’t do positive all the time. How does any one else feel on these matters? xxx
hello crazy cat lady . i know exactly how you feel, i was so relieved when my surgeon told me my lymph nodes were clear, but i still had to have further surgery 2 clear 1 margin. i was started on tamoxifen as i have e/r poss breast cancer. my husband and brother took me for my first few radiotherapy sessions i went by myself for the rest and i was ticking them off my horrible 2 do list daily … i really thought when the rads finished all would return to normal and i would be able to pick my life up from exacly where id left it… it aint worked out like that at all … i cried all the way through my last rads and driving home i couldet see for the tears… i thought it was relief that it was finally over… its just that i dont seem to have picked up ,we are not alone, i think now reading what the other ladies have said its a normal situation, as a good friend said… we have knocked the wall down… we just have 2 climbe over the rubble . so i myself am going to dust off the the brick dust and grab me a shovel , swap my tablets and try again … thank you all for being there for me xxx
hello stella… firstly yes you find out who your friends are… thats a shock in itself… the people you really think will be there for you … and they dont bother… i understand they might not know what to say. but its no help to you… your hubby might well be putting on a brave face, i know mine did , but i know he was gutted,its probably easier for him to try to carry on as normal and not show his true feelings he is probably trying to be strong for you both , as for work i work in the NHS in a very busy department, i have as of last week started to return to work , i am going just one morning a wk even though its really hard i just want some normality,like me we both had the worst shock to the system we are very very lucky , as i know things could of been much worse. i used to keep putting on my brave face but its got to the stage i think everyone who knows me has seen me burst in to tears for no reason . i hope you start to feel better soon… P.S nip out and get yourself something pretty and go 2 that night out , show the world your on your way back xx
Hi all,
I am just about to begin my radiotherapy and had some hopes of feeling better after it! I sympathise so much, I have been told that I had ‘the best type of cancer’ as I had clear margins and no node involvement. But, as my daughter says, ‘How can anyone who has breast cancer be expected to feel lucky!’.
I feel so detached from everything and everyone. I don’t feel there is anyone I can really open up to as family and friends are worried anyway. That is why this site is such a wonderful place.
For me the main issue seems to be a lack of faith in myself and my body now. How do you regain that feeling that your body is not going to let you down again?
My prognosis is good so I often feel guilty that I am so frightened and upset! I don’t even want to call my bcn as I think others are so much more worthy of her time! I can’t even cry because I don’t think I have a right to! I know this is all stupid - but it is how I feel. One day it will be better, I know that, I just need to work out how to ‘climb over the rubble’!
Thank you for listening, miscally x
Hey miscally,
your prognosis sounds similar to mine, and like you I feel like I’m wasting the bcn’s time if I ring her with my trivial problems.
At least we have this site to ‘chat’ to others, it makes you feel less stupid with your worries.
Wishing you all the best x
Hi
As the other posters have said, I think this is a surprisingly common reaction - but it does come as a shock when we are all expecting to feel better when treatment ends. My reaction was more a fear of not having the aggressive treatment any more - even though I hated chemo, and was still having other drugs when it finished, I missed the reassurance I had with chemo that I was fighting back. I got rather panicky actually - and realised I needed to channel my energies into other areas to help me cope with my dx.
I wish this is something we could be warned about - that article road runner linked to should be handed out to everybody at their last chemo or rads session.
finty x
Hi all,
Can I join the club?!! I reckon the after-effects of the side effects are going to be with us for ages, so I just take days one at a time, and get a boost from reading forum and realising I am not alone - and others have same problems.
Met a delightful doctor the other day, in the support group I go to. She had some fascinating, libelous and downright hilarious comments on what had happened to her - and what she would like to do to certain medics! I don’t think she was ever like them, but it was good to have a professional opinion on those with whom we have to deal sometimes.
Whatever you do, if you are depressed, be very careful if you are put on anti-depressants and look this up on good American websites (John Hopkins or Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Centres produced some very good research on this - sorry I can’t remember which one).
And I have just heard my darling physio, who has been a rock helping me get back my mobilility, has been made Physio of the Year. I think I am as excited as she must be.
Verite R
I was sent my annual mammo appointment last week and my clinic have changed the protocol. They are not seeing year 4 ladies like myself for a check up unless ongoing medication is involved or the mammo results dictate it. If you fall into the category of no check up you get seen on year 5 prior to discharge from remission.
They sent an information sheet with the appointment that says pain discomfort and after effects can go on for many years after the surgery, chemo and rads. It also says some after effects can even start up years down the line. I have to say I felt it was very useful to be informed of all this and will keep it in my file for future reference (it also says you can still contact the breast care nurses direct in the future if you have any problems).
Update
Just a quick update on my last post. I got me glad rags on and went to the night out, but only stayed a couple of hours. There were lots of collegues there and they all knew the situation. Some gave me funny looks and avoided me like they were going to catch it, some made brief but nice and thoughtful comments, some were lovely and we had a good catch up. One woman actually said to me “your hair looks nice, is it a wig?” (no, it isn’t!!). All in all, I am glad I went even though I got such a mixed reaction. I feel I have moved forward now and despite still feeling somewhat like a fish out of water, I can now contemplate my return to work after Xmas. I had enough support from the people who I care about to carry me forward and as for the others - well, I believe what goes around comes around eventually.
Know how you feel about being asked if your own hair was a wig. I got asked this at a wedding reception a couple of years ago. It didn’t help me that it was the first real social occasion I had been to post treatment.
i would like to thank you all for your help. all your comments have helped me so much . i felt so alone… well the good news is… i have not shed a single tear all weekend… that in itself is wonderfull.i stopped the tamoxifen on wed and started exemestane on thursday…early days i know…fingers crossed that this new drug does the trick .thank you all for sharing your experiences. it helps so much to know we are not alone… im off to scramble over a bit more rubble… thank you all xxxxx
Thank you everyone for all your comments. Until I found this forum I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I was initially diagnosed with DCIS in September and had a mastectomy and reconstruction about a fortnight later. I kept thinking that I was one of the ‘lucky’ ones as it hadn’t gone any further. Consultant said that I wouldn’t need any further treatment after the surgery. Turns out there was some invasion and ER positive so am now on tamoxifen. Also found out that it was HER2+ but can’t have herceptin because it is only licensed for use after chemo, which I didn’t have. Spent a week worrying that I might have to have chemo, but saw consultant last week. They have decided that at this stage chemo would be too much so we will just monitor the situation.
I feel as if I should be happy that it is finally over, but that is the last thing I feel. spent the last two days either in tears or on the brink of tears. Physically, I am healing remarkably well and everyone tells me how strong and positive I have been, but I am feeling so emotional and nobody seems to understand. My back still hurts from the reconstruction surgery, and I don’t think I was prepared for how weird the reconstructed breast would feel. Everyone tells me how well I look, which is lovely, but it seems that they think I should be back to normal. It is only 5 weeks since the op, but I am starting to feel guilty about not going back to work (even though I couldn’t possibly manage at the moment). Husband being great, but can’t understand why I’m not feeling happy that the prognosis is so good, which makes me feel that I should just ‘pull myself together’.
So good to hear that other people have had similar feelings. Thanks for being out there!
Hi so pleased I found this thread. Angiem love the analogy of climbing over the rubble. Have reached the end of active treatment but have 2 ( or is it 1)ongoing conditons that are thought to be chemo related.And these are proving to be physically quite challenging ( Last chemo End April) have recovered well from surgery and rads etc and felt I should be able to think of a life outside of the BC arena.AND need to think about getting back to work too.Had even thought of moving away from the forum but even just to read how you all are helps as you ladies ( and a few men) know what it is like. Emotionally I am swinging from tears all the time to not quite so bad.My daughter even said ‘Mum you must stop thinking you are ill’ Well I have never thought I was ill ( dx end Nov last year, as part of routine over 50s screening and was feeling really well then.) But I don’t feel well either.I think Verite put it well and good on you Stella getting on the glad rags and holding your head high at the ‘do’.Continue one day at a time and hope the other end is not too far away I think.Thanks for the space to ramble/rant. Jackie