Total melt down this morning, could not stop crying and found myself rocking back and fro . I felt like I was losing control and blood pressure was sky high . If the cancer does not kill me then a bloody stroke will….
It’s the wait, it’s a nightmare, totally horrendous .
Diagnosed the end of November and we are going into the new year and still no date for surgery . They keep telling me it’s a small cancer and very treatable but the goal posts keep changing so it’s hard to hold onto that. I try to keep in mind that I have a supportive family around me but the worry that the cancer is running riot through my body is always there and I feel so alone , terrified, angry and desperately sad.
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Hi and I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I’ve had several meltdowns and struggle on a daily basis.
I’m coming to the end of adjuvant chemo having had a mastectomy and it’s all been a nightmare.
However, because of my last meltdown a very kind councillor is now helping me.
I got referred to the psychological service.
I have found it so good to have someone to talk to. I live alone, so have lots of time to think!
Could you ask your breast care nurse about possible help?
Hugs x
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Thank you , yes I think I will ask for this in the new year . I can’t talk to family about the very dark places I go to. My first husband died young of oesophageal cancer and my adult children still carry huge trauma from that as do I .
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I too was so upset my bcn said she thought I would benefit from counselling, so she referred me. I lost my first husband to leukaemia in his 40’s.
This may sound daft but I’ve found doing things like jigsaws, colouring by numbers, diamond dotz help me, they distract me and take my mind away from these awful places you are finding yourself in.
I hope talking on here may give a small light as well
Take care
Sending hugs
Xx
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Me too. Waiting for results for the 4th time and keep having total meltdowns. Everyone says this is the worst time, trying not to let your mind spiral, but it’s mental torture.
You are not alone.
Sal
X
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Thank you chillout , I have been doing jigsaws too , we live in the Highlands so jigsaws are the way to go over the winter . Feeling a little more settled after my morning outburst . My partner asked me what I wanted to do for Hogmanay . I made such an effort at Christmas for the family but I felt I could not do that again so… we are at the moment driving through Caithness to walk out to a very very basic bothy in the hills for the night . No electric , no phone signal - just candlelight and peace
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Thank you Salbert. I find this group so supportive and yes I don’t feel so alone because of it
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Sounds idyllic
Xx
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I’m so sorry you’re struggling. You’ve been through a lot by the sounds of it.
Sending more hugs x
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I think that New Year is very difficult. For most it’s a time of new beginnings, looking forward, making plans and resolutions, wishing everyone a Happy New Year and celebrating. I am finding that all I see is a long dark tunnel. I think it’s the uncertainty of our journey. The endless waiting for the next set of results hoping that this time it will be good news, the not knowing what further treatment we will require and not being able to plan anything to look forward to. Add to that the lack of routine and usual weekly events, closure of so many services between Christmas and New Year, and friends and family being away. It’s no wonder we are finding life difficult.
Be kind to yourself and do whatever it takes to just keep going. I think that I’ll be shutting myself away from the festivities tonight. Sending a virtual hug to anyone who needs one. x
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I am so sorry. The waiting is indeed torture. I coped by deciding to focus on healthy eating and exercise. Exercise is huge. Studies show that women who do it before treatment starts have smaller tumors and easier surgeries. After treatment starts women who exercise have 40 - 60% lower recurrence rates. Statistically speaking it seems to be just as good if not better than chemo and endocrine therapy. So even though I was waiting, I felt like I was treating my cancer simply by doing my daily walk per day. Perhaps something like that will help as you wait?
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What a brilliant way to get a better perspective on things. My condolences for your loss of your first husband from cancer, it must make things far more traumatic, for you and your children.
I don’t know how old you are now, but I was 48 when I had breast cancer the first time, and I had a recurrence last year aged 67. cancer treatment has advanced a lot and although more women (47,000 a year) are diagnosed now, the numbers of women dying of breast cancer per year is pretty static (around 12,000 a year). Breast cancer that has spread is called advanced or metastatic cancer or secondary breast cancer.
Both times my diagnosis has been early cancer, but i am taking some hormone suppressing meds which are an insurance policy against it coming back. I don’t like them and I can stop them at any time, but the advice is if you have hormone positive cancer to take the meds for 5 years, maybe ten if you agree to take them longer.
My breast cancer diagnosis this time encouraged me to live in the moment, and not spend too mich time dwelling on what I look like without clothes on.
I find hospitals very intimidating and there seems to be far too much focus on the specialist treatment than on the person being treated. That makes me mad. But they are probably worn down or (as statistics frequently are), broken down by age and sex.
Seagulls
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Thank you , I so appreciate the virtual hugs . A better day today
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Thank you holly , I feel a sense of relief now that the new year is here.
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Hi Kay , that’s really good advice and it’s what I am trying to do . We are a very active family so always walking in the hills. I took up wild swimming during lockdown and it has always been my go to when feeling stressed. Just driving home from our bothy trip and feeling much more positive today .
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Hi Seagulls - I am also in my 60s . I have always been healthy and active so this cancer has come as a dreadful shock . This group is amazingly supportive and I am so glad I joined .
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Thank you to everyone for your kind and supportive comments yesterday when I went to such a dark place …… I feel so much better today . I know there will be a rollercoaster of emotions as I go through treatment but it’s good to know that this is a safe place to go to.
Wishing you all positivity this year x
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Hi.
I think it’s safe to say, we’ve all been where you are now.
It’s the waiting that get’s to you.
When i first found my lump, i kept telling myself it’s nothing, but i knew deep down.
Even when i saw my consultant, there was a little voice saying it’s not cancer, but a bigger one saying it is.
When he told me, i kept saying i knew it !!!
Then everything he was saying to me wasn’t sinking in, luckily my husband was there, he’s been my rock.
Make sure you have someone with you throughout your journey.
You will come out the other end.
I wish you well, you are not alone. x
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This is great advice. If anyone is interested, there are 5 minute walking exercise videos by Lucy Wyndham Read a lovely fitness coach on YouTube. They aren’t too taxing and can be done even if you dont have much indoor space. I had a lumpectomy and flap reconstruction on the 20th and started the 5 minute walking videos about a week post surgery. Has really helped my mood and general outlook. It’s not easy is it but it sounds like we’re all doing our best to get through this x
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I totally get you. The waiting is awful. My mammogram was last July, surgeries Oct and Nov and start chemo next week. I had exactly the same thoughts and although my lymph nodes were clear, I was panicking it had travelled through the blood. There is so much to worry about. Control the things you can control, write down questions as they arise, breathe and try to stay away from the internet (very hard). They know what they are doing but it is so hard not to worry. Hang in there and just do one day at a time. Sorry we are all here in this club we didnt want to join… xx
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