Hi,
I got told i had triple negative 2 week ago, had to have more biopsy taken from lymph nodes as nothing shown on 1st lot and it came back yesterday as showing. Went to see the oncologist on Monday who explained about the chemo treatment I will be having before anything else. (Possible lumpectomy then radiotherapy.)So, just waiting for a date to start.
I just feel like it’s one thing after another at the minute. It feels like the world is going on around me and I’m in this bubble that I can’t pop to get out off.
I think im a positive person and have been taking each day as it comes, I’m very proud of myself as I’m having more good days than bad ones, getting up each day with the positive attitude of a good day and a good moto for the day. But that doesn’t help at a night time, when you think you’ve switched off and boom wide awake at daft o’clock with allsorts going round and round like a washing machine on its fast spin cycle.
I can honestly say I hate this, I hate how it’s making me feel or not feel, I hate how it feels like its taking over my life right now, I hate that some people can’t be normal around me, as they don’t know how to be with me, I hate how some people avoid conversations, as they don’t know how to react, I hate how I feel like a pin cushion and I’ve not even started treatment yet. I hate how everywhere I look it’s there. I hate how I’m not 100% sure of anything right now but I know I want this to go away.
I know I’m going to be fine and I’m trying to keep as positive as possible but sometimes just sometimes I wanna scream and shout and hit out and blame someone for this but who do I do that to?? as its no one’s fault I have this, I have no one to blame for this, Its one of those things that happens and you can’t control who or why or even when.
Sorry to go on just need to get this out at daft o’clock.
Thanks for listening
Debs
Hello @dippydebs80
Big big hugs
I’m so sorry you find yourself on this forum (especially in the middle of the night with whirring thoughts and nowhere for them to go) I really hope you found writing your post cathartic and you manage to get some sleep
A cancer diagnosis of any kind is unique, and I don’t think anybody can truly appreciate what is does to you unless you experience it yourself (I said this at my 12 month follow up appointment a few weeks ago and the nurse practitioner agreed 100% she’d seen it herself: nurses working in the centre who thought they knew what they would do if they were diagnosed but then being diagnosed and finding their perspectives completely changed).
You sound like a lady who in “every day life” (I know you are thinking what the hell is that?? trust me it will return!) has everything (well most things, no-one has everything surely??) under control and you “just deal” with whatever life throws you, so how dare this “thing” rob me of that?? It’s just so unfair isn’t it?
You are very very welcome to pour your thoughts and heart out here on the forum and there is a huge amounts of support and information out there both virtually and in real life.
Prior to my diagnosis I didn’t really use Instagram but I’ve found it immensely helpful as a source of information, guidance and validation for my thoughts and emotions: if you are interested accounts I can really recommend are Dr Liz O’Riordan (a breast cancer surgeon who has had two breast cancer diagnoses herself), Ticking Off Breast Cancer and Titty Gritty. Dr Liz and Ticking Off Breast Cancer also have really helpful books.
I would also recommend seeking out support in real life through someone like MacMillan or Maggie’s, I have to confess that this really didn’t appeal to me, I’m not entirely sure what I expected but the reality was very different. As supportive as friends want to be (everybody “knows somebody who…”) like I said above talking to someone who actually has makes such a difference
Sending you lots of love over the next few weeks and months as you go through your treatments (and some sleepy dust so you can get a bit more sleep, sleepless nights really are the worse thing aren’t they? Practical tip: the occasional sleep tablet prescribed or over the counter are absolutely fine)
Love AM 
Hi @dippydebs80 A fellow TNBCer here. The things you are feeling are familiar to all of us - at each point in my journey it has felt as if someone is kicking another brick out of the wall. In many ways it becomes easier once you start treatment - a structure is there, and you have the focus of getting through it. In a strange way, it’s a good way of finding out who your real friends are. Some will be really supportive. Some will run away. Some will be full of stories of person A who had treatment X, regardless of whether it’s relevant to your situation or not. Most people don’t realise there are multiple forms of BC, or know what TNBC is. I admit I didn’t, until I got here. Wishing you all the best. My best advice is try to live in the present. You can’t change what had happened and you can’t know what the future will bring, but you can try to find pleasure in each day.
I was diagnosed with TNBC a year ago and have had 3 months of EC and Paclitaxol chemo. I then had a lumpectomy which was repeated as they hadn’t got a good enough clearance. Then a week of radiotherapy as I had 2 lymph nodes affected. Now on Capecitabine for 6 months.
I wasn’t coping well and living alone found life very hard. In the end I gave into counselling thinking it would be a waste of time but it’s really changed my outlook. Look up the Worry Tree, I’d assumed it was twaddle but tried it and it has helped a lot so I can get through the days easier and I’m not in tears most of the time now.
Wishing you all the best
x
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