unable to show husband wound

Had mastectomy 8 weeks tomorrow still awaiting start of chemo as had to have bone scan and a second liver scan done just can’t show husband the scar is this normal?
Starkie

Hi Starkie,

I only had a lumpectomy but know exactly how you must feel - I’ve always been ‘fond’ of my breasts and my right breast was my husband’s ‘favourite’ - after my first op I didn’t mind him seeing the scar because it was so neat and close to my nipple, unfortunately the second op made a mess of the scar and the breast tissue sank - I’m not too happy about touching it myself so finding it hard to be relaxed about showing the damage to him - he says it doesn’t matter but I find it hard to believe him - after 38 years of being together and sleeping naked I’m now covering up in bed to avoid letting it become more of an issue ! Not sure how I will cope on our summer holidays - I’ve always gone topless.

Maybe when I feel more relaxed about the new shape…the surgeon did say he wasn’t happy with the result and could ‘tweak’ it at a later date to make it look better - but do I want more surgery?

Sorry to hijack your page - just wanted you to know you are not alone in this - and I hope your husband is as understanding as mine is being.

Good Luck
Love
Maddy xxxxxx

Mate it takes time to come to deal with it.
I kind of bit the bullet…and the morphine after the mastectomy helped…i was flashing everyone saying that the plaster was rubbish…and when they took off the dressing, well the language got worse…so much for me having a war wound! While its still red looking it does take some getting used to…im almost a year on and mines just a thin white line and hardly noticeable. I thought my hubs would be upset about it…but he wasnt, it was mostly my hangup rather than his. He said that as far as he was concerned…having the one saves time for him and puts him at an advantage over all the other blokes out there whose wives have two…and that just amused me greatly…as well as earning him a clip round the ear lol.
The bit that made it all better…we were erm, well you know…and he kissed my scar…i burst into tears…and after that ive never batted an eyelid

Hi Ladies,

I too had a mastectomy 8 weeks ago.

I didn’t have a problem with showing my husband, it is normal for us all to be so different. I agree starkie, you will have to be comfortable with yourself before feeling comfortably showing your husband. I can only say that I honestly think that your husband will be OK with what he sees. You might want to speak to him first about how to comment. My husband made a glib comment which was meant to cheer me up and make the situation less important. I was a little hurt but I knew what he was trying to do.
Perhaps you can ask your husband to look but make no comment straight away. Perhaps a few days later you can ask him how he felt when he saw the scar, that would give him time to make a sensitive comment.

I do hope you can look at your scar and just see an altered body rather than anything worse.
You didn’t say whether you had a reconstruction, I didn’t so I do feel a little odd but I am getting there.

Take care
Carol

Hi all

I agree with all the comments so far - we are all different and how we deal with it will be different. Unfortunately my hubby didn’t get a lot of choice - I had my mastectomy on Tuesday last week, came out of hospital yesterday with a handful of dressings - and went for a shower this morning, let the hospital dressing soak off only to then discover that the dressings they hd supplied me with were not the right size and didn’t cover the whole scar (as it goes under my armpit). Had to get hubby in to cut two dressings and apply them as I was scared of sticking the sticky bit to my scar by mistake !!

I had prepared him by showing him piccy’s on the internet of what the scar was likely to look like - and bless him all he said was - ‘blimey that’s nowt is it!’.
He was more cross about the dressings and is as I type stopping down to my GP surgery to get some that actually fit!

You will know what is right for you

take care
Margaret

Margaret, your husband sounds much like mine!

Hi Starkie

Everything in your own time. First you need to accept your new appearance. I had a WLE in June and showed my partner the wound straight away. I got him to change my dressings for me which was my way of saying ‘look’. I now need a bilateral mastectomy in January. I am having reconstruction straight away but will have no nipples for a while which I think will look strange!

My Mum had a radical mastectomy when I was 18. She was an extremely private lady and I think I only got to see her scar because she needed help dressing as she left hospital. I must admit, it was quite a shock but she still looked extremely beautiful to me… suppose because I loved her so much. I encouraged her to show my Dad. Took her a while but she did. He too agreed that she was just as beautiful.
I know this may sound a bit strange, but be proud of your scars… they show what a courageous, strong woman you are.

I wish you all the best

Carly x

Hello everyone

I was scared to look at the scar so was petrified of my husband seeing it. In the end I got in the bath, left the door unlocked as usual and he walked in with a cuppa, said" that doesnt look too bad does it, dont think it will scare the dog" and disappeared!! He reckons that as i did not have a page 3 girl figure when we wed I should know he loves me for what I am not what I look like. What a gem. Just be patient and dont force him until he is ready he will probably surprise you
Take care
Hilary

Hi everyone

My OH saw the scar before me when the nurses changed the dressing. I think he wanted to get it out of the way. I was looking the other way. Everybody is different it took me a while to really look at it but he was fine.

Diane.

Hi Starkie,

I suspect your husband will be fine with your scar.

I have just about finished treatment (in rads at the mo), so my mastectomy was way back in March. I went into hospital weeping for what I was about to lose, came to after the op crying, cried like baby when my BCN came to see me… and so on (you get the picture). When I showed my husband the scar i was boo hoo-ing as well! I stood in front of the mirror and looked at it with him and said ‘I’m disfigured - now you have half a wife’ and quick as a flash he said ‘2 boobs don’t make a wife, there’s more to you than that’ which was exactly what I needed to hear. He has been unfailing brilliant throughout. The struggles have been mine.

I hope you get the courage to show your husband. It’s an incredibly vulnerable position to be in, but it is do-able.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Jane

Hi Starkie

I had my mastectomy nearly 2 years ago (currently waiting recon) and i still hate looking at it. It took me a while to show husband and then kids as they were curious (8 and 6 at the time) and apart from medical staff thats all who seen it. I have never wanted or felt the need to show anyone else and although my mum and a close girlfriend have asked questions i have just told them politley its my personal business. Even now hubby and kids will only see it if they come into the bathroom or bedroom as i tend to cover up more now.

Show him when its right for both for you, have you talked about it, he may not be fearing it as much as you think.

Take care

Debbie X

It’s definately not one of lifes easy things to deal with, but 1 yr on, I am coping much better with my appearance and virtually never cry about it anymore, I was like Beloved!

I wanted my OH to look at the wound straight away as I didn’t want the issue to drag on. He refused, saying he was scared / queasy at the thought. I gave him time to come round and it was about 8 wks when he finally looked. He was fine about it. I went to see about a recon and when I told him the treatment and my concerns, he asked me why I was considering one. I said it was for him. He told me not to bother.

I’m not going to pretend that all is fine and dandy coz we still have issues and I rarely get undressed in front of him, but that’s mainly down to me. Plus our relationship is pretty crap just now.

I do resent the fact that I went through all that trauma and pain, plus disfigurement causing low self esteem and he was too cowardly to look and offer me his support at that very crucial time. He had a massive head injury once and I was there for him, supporting him and making sure he knew his changed appearance made no difference to me.

I hope you 2 can work it out together and that your husband behaves in a more sensitive manner than mine did.

Irene

You ladies are so admirable with great supportive husbands - you have made me laugh, cry and feel so proud of you. My husband made no comment about my lumpectomy scar - I had no sexual relationship for some 12 yrs beforehand because I got Leishmaniasis when living in Spain and that destroyed our sexual life. But,he has been there 100% in taking care of me. I think you are all brilliant to have coped the way you have done.

Irene, I am so sad your husband can’t come to terms with your illness - although we don’t have sex anymore, our lovng relationship is all I want - a great caring attitude to each other.

Liz

Hi Starkiel

I was lucky and only had lumpectomy and lymph node removal, but was so worried about Oh reactions. He is sooo squeamish and won’t even watch hospital programs. As I had one scar from my nipple to underarm, I had district nurse in to change dressings. One night the dressing was uncomfortable and I told OH I would try and change it myself. Dr. Kildare or what! He was there and not a squirm. He has changed dressings, bathed me, massaged my scar ( yes I know, ulterior motive maybe). He has been brilliant even more so since my libido seems to have taken a nose-dive also.
I think each OH is different and sometimes it is hard to come to terms for both people. We have been married for 22 years and believe me I am not one of the worlds natural beauties ( especially in the morning) so maybe he is used to it.
Don’t feel bad about this , tell him that you need love and support and don’t want to feel rejected. He will come round eventually. Let him know that you are comfortable with it and you need him to share , however difficult.

Norma x