After my diagnosis - out of the blue - in March, it seemed that I was going to be able to take everything chucked at me firmly on the chin and just get on with it. Caught early after a mammogram, no obvious lump to feel, so chances are a Grade One, lumpectomy, radiotherapy, tablets. Told everyone, said … well it is what it is, doubt it will be the end of me, it’s fine, it’s treatable. Everyone has remarked how jolly stoic I am being. And stoic I have felt.
Things turned out a little different of course. Op revealed a slightly bigger tumour than ultrasound indicated plus DCIS tissue within breast. Grade Two. Margins not clear enough so second op and reconstruction from which I am now recovering. Evidence of micro-metastasis in one lymph node. Surgeon is still very hopeful I won’t need chemo although Oncotype DX results yet to arrive back. Radiotherapy and tablets are a given.
It’s fair to say that I am in more pain after this second op and pain does drag you down but I don’t know, the fact that the results from op one turned out worse than was expected, resulting it would seem in surgeon removing most of the inside of my boob has sent me into an unexpected wobble. Because up to now I haven’t felt in the least unwell and look fine, it’s almost like I haven’t believed in the cancer and anyway, it was only a little bit so it can be taken away and bosh, forgotten about. The surgeon has given my NPI score as 4.38 and I note that’s not “low” but “moderate” - more food for thought. It’s almost like someone has slapped me around the head and said this isn’t a head cold, but cancer, wake up and smell the coffee. I know that however I approach the situation, whether being stoic or hiding undo my duvet won’t actually change the diagnosis or indeed have any effect on the prognosis, but all the same, my world has tilted on its axis. I apologise for rambling on, but I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head and written down. And I would be interested to know if anyone else can identify with the above?
