Unsupportive relative

Since I was diagnosed last Tuesday, my MIL isn’t being as helpful as she might. When I first told her, she refused to discuss it at all because it was “too upsetting for her”!!! Now, she’s had a wobbly at my husband because we’re going to my parents on Sunday (my birthday) instead of going to see her which is about an hour and a half round trip that I just don’t feel up to this weekend. She’s putting pressure on us to go and visit her next week before we go on holiday the week after rather than just saying I’d love to see you but don’t worry if you can’t make it. She’s just a bit over 70 and in perfect health but won’t use the (direct) train route to come and see us, doesn’t see changing buses as a real option therefore expects us to be taxi service all the time. You’d think that she’d be more helpful at times of crisis but I remember her having a wobbly nearly 7 years ago when my oldest was born and because we hadn’t all pandered to her she didn’t come and see me straight away.

I actually have a very good relationship with her most of the time but she does go into a very self-centered and unhelpful state at times.

Anyway, I suspect she’ll be expecting her son to ferry her to and fro hospital to see me when I go in. If anyone has suggestions for politely telling her she’ll have to make her own arrangements then advice on this would be appreciated! It’s already going to be a 2 hour round trip to come and see me so adding an extra half hour whilst he’s trying to juggle me and two kids isn’t helpful.

Sorry for moaning!

Nicola

I would just be blunt, your job is to look after yourself. It may be quite liberating to let her get on with it, and maybe she will also benefit in being less dependent on others. Why she might even meet someone nice on the train/bus/etc

good luck

Mole

hi nicola,
sorry you have had to join us.
i remember my friend had the same problem with her mother in law, when she was first dx and told her mother in law she didnt even acknowledge what she was telling her and went on to say that she didn’t feel too well herself…my friend was fuming…her mother in law wasn’t very supportive at all…expecting friends OH [her son] to pick her up, take her to doctors etc., didn’t even offer to cook meals for family…even when my friend was really ill…[my friend had lost her mum to BC 4 yrs ago and was an only child]…eventually when my friend was very very ill her OH pushed mother in law into cooking meal for them…I know my friends OH still feels put on at times by his mum even though he has a brother…he is struggling with losing my friend…his wife…but mum still expects of him.
might be a suggestion to ask your OH to talk to his mum and explain that YOU are going to need him and he won’t be able to run around for her…also saying that he would appreciate her help and support at this time as you all need as much help as possible at this time…tactfulness is probably the key at first…remember she might be more upset about your dx than she seems to be showing sometimes people don’t know how to react.

take care
do keep in touch, and let us know how things are going
good luck with MIL

karen xx

I was diagnosed with IBC just 3 months ago and I am having chemo at the moment. I have had some problem with how people react to my cancer. Some friends just can not see me as it upsets them too much. From my point of view this is their problem not mine. I do not impose on them and only do what suits me. I feel it is very important that I stay calm and avoid confrontation so I just leave them alone. But the shock for those that love you can make them act strangly. Your MIL is in shock I’m sure. But remember this is you time. Decide what will suit you but be prepared to change plans. I think your MIL should be told that while you want to visit her as often as possible and will try to stick to a regular date, you must be able to change plans at a moments notice. You might get up in the morning feeling fine but suddenly you might feel tired, or just that you don’t feel like leaving the house. Do try to keep things as normal as possible but be selfish for yourself and your family. Try not to worry too much.
Don’t know if this is much help but I hope it has. Don’t worry… you are not moaning… just looking after yourself.
Geraldine