Hi Cathy - thank you so much for your caring words. I do worry about my mortality with my mum dying young. She was one of 10 children, 8 dying before they were 58 and just 2 aunties left, one having had 2 heart attacks and the other cancer 5 years ago. My brother and I take after my mother’s side of the family so it is always in the back of your mind, especially now having got BC.
I do wonder what I did to her in childhood to make her like she is. I did get very angry sometimes with them but most of all I spent lots of time with them reading and playing with them. I was always here for them. I remember her first school trip and I was waiting for her to get off the coach (she must have only been about 5) waiting to hear her news of the trip and she got off and played hell with me because she said I hadn’t put a drink in her lunch box. I was so deflated after looking forward all day to seeing her. And I had actually put 2 cartons of ribena in her lunch box !! Strange how things stick in your mind.
You do sound the same as you say your mum was your “whipping boy” and I can understand what you are saying about taking it out on her because you loved her and knew she would take it because she loved you.
I will support her and be there for her every step of the way but like you say not to let her walk over me but it’s hard sometimes because she comes out with this venom then walks away. But I will try my best to do as you say. I am due to have counselling at our local cancer centre. I keep getting upset there and its all about OH and the girls. I feel that they have not really acknowledged what I have/am going through but I am sure they have but don’t show it.
It helps putting things down on here too without being judged because if you tell your family they don’t forget and keep bringing it up and when things are okay with daughter I want to forget it until the next time.
It was me who took her driving when she was learning which I found very stressful but still did it. Moved her from each flat - about 6 times while she stood there and let us take the stuff out - I could go on and on.
Thank you again Cathy.
Much love
Liz xx
Have written two long posts to you and deleted them…just alot of stuff you do not need to hear…but just know how I sympathize with you. I am very anxous about my older son, our relationship is tenuous at best, and know how you feel as you say you are afraid of your daughter. Major hugs.
Emily
xxx
Hi Liz
You sound like a wonderful Mum to me.
I had a very poor relationship with my Mum from being about 13. I never thought she loved or cared for me although looking back now I can see that she did but she didn’t show it in the ways I would have liked. She never cuddled me or told me she loved me, but I know that I was well cared for when I was a child so she must have.
We fell out many times over the years twice we didn’t speak for over 3 years. I felt very dismissive of her as I never thought she had been there for me. When I was young she was quite an attention seeker always at the doctors, moaning about me at my parents evening even though she never showed any interest. I regularly used to tell her to shut up or mind her own business. I put a lock on my bedroom door so she couldn’t get in, and generally cut her out of my life after she threw me out at 16.
My Mum died a few years ago, and although we hadn’t spoken for years she was pleased to see me when I visited her in hospital. She never asked me about my boys ( she never met them ) or how I was, but I didn’t care as I knew she was dying and just wanted her to be comfortable. I hoped that she would apologise for not showing me the love that I had needed, but it never entered her mind as I really don’t think she thought she had done anything wrong.
Sorry to go on but what I think I am trying to say is maybe she has issues with you that you are totally unaware of, she may feel you don’t care. you need to talk to her and try to find out. I wish I had told my Mum how I felt and to have tried to sort it out before it was too late. I do know that she was very proud of the way I turned out ( others have told me ) as I did work hard at school and did well for myself. I am also a very loving mother and I talk to my boys all of the time and shower them with affection. It’s hard to believe now that I used to speak to my Mum the way I did as I would never do that now and have taught my boys to respect others. Hopefully your daughter will get over her issues with you if not now then in the years to come. Once she has children of her own she will realise how hard it is to be a Mother, and how we can’t be everything to everybody and that no one is perfect.
You shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. I would have loved my mum to have been more like you, they just haven’t realised how lucky they are yet!.
Not sure this is of any help but do try to talk to her.
Lots of love
Ann
xxx
Hi Lizzie,
Just a few quick thoughts.
You can’t discipline twenty-somethings or be tough with them. What you have to develop is an adult-to-adult relationship with mutual love and respect. If you’d like your daughters to make the tea then ask them to do so neutrally and give them some time to plan something. Don’t resentfully make the tea yourself. If everyone is busy or stressed have a meal out together.
I think that you should probably explain to your daughters in confidence why you don’t want to see your friend. Treat them like responsible adults who can keep a secret. Ask them their advice.
I note that both daughters have appeared lots of times since you were diagnosed. This is actually ‘checking up on Mum to make sure she’s alright’ even if they don’t stay very long or say very much. Clearly they care. One of your daughters is popping home at weekends from university to do this. How is she coping? Is her social and educational life suffering? Should you be insisting that she sees less of you rather than more?
I’ve supported for several years a friend who has had cancer but have now had to stop because our friendship was completely dominated by her needs. Careful, this is what a cancer diagnosis can do to you. Make sure that you are there for your daughters, not only in terms of money, cars, etc., but emotional support. Talk to your daughters and ask them how you can support them.
Finally, it is worth knowling that as a good Mum the people you will really benefit are your grandchildren.
With best wishes,
Sue