Upset my daughter's comments

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1

Hi

Feeling quite down and need to put it write about it. I have 2 daughters in their 20’s. The eldest hasn’t liked me very much the last few years - not sure why. She went off to Uni and didn’t really like us visiting and if we did she seemed not to want us there. I don’t know why really but she had a downer on me even though I was there for her and gave her everything I could.

When I got BC we started getting on better and she actually apologised for the way she had behaved and I told her then that it was okay, it’s in the past and we have the future.

Last Friday for some reason she launched a verbal attack on me. I don’t know why. I have got rid of a “friend” who had used me over the years which I have now got rid of as I feel I don’t have to put up with rubbish any more. My daughter took sides with my friend saying that I was being petty but I couldn’t tell her the real reason why I don’t want this friendship. Daughter thinks its because my “friend” forgot I was going for a heart scan the other month. My daughter said “it’s all about you isn’t it”. I was astounded. Since being diagnosed I have dealt with it very well for everybody else’s sake but breaking up inside. I didn’t want them to see me feeling sorry for myself, which I never have. I have included my daughters in everything.

I said to her it’s not about me and I have done everything I possible can for you and your sister. She said you don’t know the half of it. I was so hurt we haven’t spoken since. She lives away from home but has been back a lot during my treatment.

I am dreading her coming home as I can’t deal with the way I felt before. I was actually scared of her and of her nasty comments and the way she spoke to me.

Sorry to go on.

Liz xx

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Hi Liz
I have 2 daughters 1 38 & 1 26 I have always treated both the same but they are really quite different.
I cant help but I can say I understand and your daughter is right it is all about you. YOU are dealing with bc not her YOU have the fear of the unknown not her. Maybe when she is next home if it comes up re your friend you may be able to explain a little more without giving too much away.
Hope this doesnt cause you too much stress.

Love Debsxxx

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Thanks Debs.

I have treated my 2 the same and like yours, they are very different.

My friend told me to say - yes it’s all about me and it hasn’t been and from now on it is. They both come home and don’t do anything and I have found that hard. Expect their tea made for them and yes being a mum you do it but it would have been so nice for them just once to make my tea. I don’t understand why she launched at me. The previous Sunday everytime I spoke she made a derogatory remark so in the end I kept quiet and she came home Thursday evening, straight on the laptop and when I spoke she told me to shut up - so I went to bed. I suppose it’smy fault for not sorting it out properly years ago.

I just feel that if the cancer comes back that’s the only time she will be nice to me again.

xx

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Hi Lizzie

As a parent of two teenagers and as I hate to admit, one horrible teenager myself looking back, I can see both sides a little. It sounds as though you have always bent over backward to ensure your girls are looked after etc. Whereas in a fair life, this should be rewarded with respect and kindness, children are bullies sometimes if allowed to get away with it. I speak from my experience with my mother. She was kindness herself to me, always putting me and my brother first and most of the time I was terribly rude to her - I don’t know to this day why - probably because I could get away with it. As I grew older, my mother and I had a good relationship, albeit sometimes volatile but we never fell out permanently. Because of my behaviour, i have been tougher with my sons. I do allow them to have their say, but I won’t have them being rude. It is really hard, especially if you have a child with a strong personality, as I do who can be very nasty with words.

Are you afraid that if you tell your daughter to stop being rude, mind her own business etc that she will leave for good? I don’t. I think she must love you or else she wouldnt come home at all. You need to get a bit tougher with them both. You do need to think of yourself and I think you will get more respect from them. They sound a bit immature and possibly a bit spoilt?

It is your life now. Don’t let them bully you!!!

Cathy
x

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Cathy

You have hit the nail on the head with every point. I have been too soft for them and they have been spoilt. I think because I didn’t have things and my parents never did anything at all for me or sister and brother I try to help them in every way and sometimes get a thanks.

She seems to have got worse over the last few years and has been hurtful and I haven’t retaliated and I know if I had at the beginning I wouldn’t be in this state Im in. I have been afraid that she wouldnt come back and I think she knows this. I haven’t been able to work her out at all. When I had my first Taxotere and was feeling really awful the phone rang and I didn’t want to talk to anybody and she said I know it’s hard but think of others instead of you ! As I have said above I have never since diagnosis put anything on them because I didn’t want them to worry.Everybody says I coped too well.

I have been out with friends and had phone calls off her and they have said that my expression changes and I get all jittery.

I have decided now to tell her that I am getting on with my life and I want her in it but it’s up to her but I won’t be treated like this again.

Thanks for replying. xxx

I can’t talk to my OH as he and daughter are so much alike and opens mouth before engaging brain.

Liz xxx

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why are relatives so much hard work. when i told my sister i had cancer her first words were dont worry you are a selfish bitch and god always takes the good ones first! i did not tolerate chemo very well, and one day whilst she had a bad back she actually said “its alright for you, because you have cancer you have everyones attention what do i get?” It has hurt me incredibly and can not tell her how much so, she is not the sort of person you can have a decent conversation with she just flys off the handle.

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unfortunately you don’t choose your relatives. I have now decided to be as selfish as I like and I don’t take any prisoners. If they don’t like it they can lump it. My father is an incredibly selfish man, helped by my mother who has mollycoddled him for years. Their only saving grace is that they can make me laugh occasionally despite my best intentions to keep a straight face.

They’ve been helping me sort out my aunt’s house. My dad suddenly decided aged 88 to go up the sheer stairs to the attic which I’d had cleared out almost completely by two care workers. When asked why he was risking life and limb he announced he’d left arsenic up there and needed to find it.

how those care workers survived I shall never know. All I could think of was arsenic and old lace with Cary Grant and a couple of murderous old ladies in it

Mole

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Hiya girls

Oh you do make me feel better!!

Since my diagnosis I have decided ‘I am who I am’ too late to change!!!

One of my three boys has decided to b*****er off and live with his dad and to be honest I couldn’t have coped with his selfish carry on!!

Blooming kids
Kay xx

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Liz, there’s no way of knowing what is going through her head if she’s determined to close avenues of communication. I wonder if she is actually very confused and worried about your illness - and realistically, the fact that one day you may not be there to ‘spoil’ her. Maybe in some inexplicable way she is even jealous of any special attention that she thinks you gain from it - no basis in logic, but anger can mask all common sense. I think you are very brave and absolutely right to take the approach you have suggested. You will not switch off your love, but there is no justification for an adult child to be pointedly rude to a parent, however angry, frightened or just plain pigheaded she is feeling.

My kids are 21, 19 and 16, and the eldest is ‘in your face’, demanding we talk NOW about whatever is on her mind, flares up at anything, is a terrible control freak, but lacks confidence and puts on a lot of bravado to cover up her insecurity. She was horrible around the time of my dx as the worry of losing me was screwing her up so badly. Better since the op, and seeing me coping with chemo. The younger two don’t talk about how they feel, my son worries quietly and will try to ask his questions clumsily, when nobody else is around, and the youngest just snaps and stomps off to her room.

Do your daughters have a good relationship with each other? Can the other one give you any insight on her sister’s attitude?

I do hope you can sort this out peacefully. Really putting yourself first is absolutely justified now.

Love, Lyn xxx

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Hi Lyn

I do worry that she has other issues and the upshot of that is taking it out on me but if I try to talk to her she just goes off on one and I get the brunt of everything. I went to an emotional therapist beginning of last year and she helped me realise that I am the parent and shouldn’t let them bully me. I did this and didn’t give in to them and was stronger and it did work then I got BC and we have got on better. She went to Australia with a boyfriend and she seemed to grow up so I really don’t know what has happened.It was as though she was waiting for an opening to have a got at me. she felt more sorry for my “friend” than me. I feel like telling her the reason I have ditched this “friend” and may do so when and if she comes home.

This friend was seeing another man and had been using me telling her husband she was with me, even on the day I was for my diagnosis she told her husband she was at the hospital with me. Then when I was going through chemo and radiotherapy the only time she got in touch was when she wanted info how I was so that she could tell her husband she had been with me. I soon realised what she was doing and didn’t give her much info. As you can see I didn’t want to tell my daughter this but will have to.

My daughters have the kind of relationship that yes they do get on most of the time but very easily fall out. They are both living away from home as the youngest is at Uni but home most weekends.

I would never, never have spoken to my parents as my two speak to me.

I text her last night as she asked last week if OH could go do a bit of work in her flat and of course we will. So text and asked if she still wanted the work doing and of course no reply.

Thanks for letting me put all this down. I can’t tell a lot of people because I don’t want them to know.

Liz xx

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Hi Liz

I agree with Lyn when she says that your daughter may be jealous of the attention you are getting and it could be that she is frightened too. However, again as Lyn says, there is nothing that can allow for her to be so rude to you. She hasnt even got the courtesy to reply to your texts when you are wanting to do her a favour!!! I would be tempted to tell her to stuff your help. Imagine if you did that to her - she texted you offering help and you ignored it. She would be livid. As for telling her about your friend, do so if you wish, but not because you feel you ought to justify why you ended this friendship. This is your friendship and your business. I know I sound like I am being harsh but, as I said before, the more you do for some children, the more they will throw it back at you. She is treating you disgracefully and needs a kick in the metaphoric pants!!

Cathy
x

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Hi Liz,
Just a thought but has this ‘friend’ been having more contact with your daughter than you realise, because the 2 read like they might be connected? This is such a horrible situation to add to what you already have to deal with healthwise.
Thinking of you and you do the same thing.
Lily x

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Hi - another friend said that to me yesterday wondering if they had been in contact. My daughter said me and sis still want contact with her and I said that’s okay.

I agree with everything everybody is saying and it makes me feel better knowing that I am not being stupid feeling like this. My friends say I am a good mum and have done far more for my girls than anybody they know, including themselves, and I know thats the problem. I have done too much. Like you said Cathy, if I didn’t text her back she would be livid. I have done that before not intentionally and she has been on the phone demanding to know why I haven’t text back !! The household is on pins when she is home waiting for an explosion from her. Blood awful isn’t it.

That’s the only reason I would tell her about why I ended up finishing the friendship - to justify my actions - and I thought at first I wouldn’t do that because it’s my business but she thinks I am a horrible person and tempted to tell her.

I just feel we have gone back years now just when we were getting on.

It’s so therapeutic to put all this down and know you understand.

It should be about looking after myself but since last June I have had so much stress with the girls. I dread weekends when they are at home. I did actually tell the eldest that I am due back at work in July and I want some peace before I go back as she said she was on holiday this week. She got the hint and said she would only be back Friday for somebody’s birthday - so now I am dreading Friday. But I do have the feeling she may go straight to this friends and stay the night there. which is good in one way but does help our situation.

My youngest comes home at weekends and I can count up on one hand the evenings she has actually sat in with me. She comes home, has tea and then is off with her friends and comes home at all hours. Which is when I worry because it’s always late and i worry that she is okay. Sometimes doesn’t come home without letting me know. So we have had rows about this as I am usually pacing the floor worrying. They don’t understand do they that we worry because anything could have happened to her. A courtest text would be nice.

So it’s a case at weekends they come home, make a mess, want feeding, on the computer when they are not in bed or out, then go and that leaves our weekends one big whirl of trying to keep everybody happy.

Aren’t a sad case. If you met me you would think I was a confident person which I am on the outside and the people I need to be firm with ie kids - I can’t be. I think its a fear of them going and not coming back but if that has to be it has to be. I just don’t want them only being nice when I am not well.

My niece said to me a few years ago about my eldest - I don’t want her coming to me in the future in a churchyard (meaning my funeral and this was before BC and generally speaking because of the way she treats me) and crying and wished she had done things differently.

Sorry to go on but it is helping to get it off my chest and your replies make me realise I am not a bad mother and that she is bullying me. I think I will say to her that I shan’t be bullied anymore.

I have even raced down to her when she was at Uni to be with her when she was upset and felt she couldn’t to the work. I have gone through it with her and really didn’t want to but I did and then next day she would be horrible again. Never learn do I.

Liz x

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Hi Lizzie

Sorry you are having to deal with this at this time. I don’t know if this has been mentioned as haven’t read all other threads, but wanted to mention your daughters comment, ‘you don’t know the half of it’. I think there maybe something troubling your daughter that she is struggling with, but can’t or wont confide in with you. It could have been an angry throw away comment, or have deeper roots.

Can I suggest you try and get to the bottom of that comment? Would your other daughter help? Maybe sit in on the chat, or speak to her sister on your behalf.

As mothers we love our children regardless, and it is so sad when families fight like yours is just now. Can I suggest you try not to take her comments too personally? It is possible her anger is nothing to do with you, BC, or how you have brought her up? Is there a Dad / OH? Could he support you and speak to her?

Good luck

Irene

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Hi Lizzie,

Its a shame that you have all this to think about as well as your illness. Your fall out with your “friend” has nothing to do with your daughter , also your friend should not put you in this situation so i agree that you should distance your self from her.

My kids are 7 and 11 and I spoil them and molicoddle them too much, They are quite badly behaved and rude at times. It is because my Mother was distant and unloving and we virtually brought ourselves up, I think that some people are not meant to have kids ( my mother included) My sisters are exactly the same with their kids (too soft )

I hope that your daughter gains a little maturity and sees the error of her ways soon , I hope my kids grow out of it too.

lots of love Andrea x

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Hi Andrea and Irene

Irene - just seen your comments on here and yes I agree with you that there could be something else. We were in the middle of town when she came out with that comment and then went off on the train so we have not spoken yet. She does harbour things from her childhood silly things too.

Can’t rely on OH as he is hot tempered and doesn’t deal with things appropriately - going off the deep end and engages mouth before brain so it has always had to be me that sorts things out. She is a lot like him. I have been the piggy in the middle all the time. My other daughter would only end up shouting at her and then again my other daughter has her tantrums too. I can’t win.

Liz xx

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Hi Liz,

That sounds like my husband too, But he goes off on the deep end and then regrets saying things afterwards.
I can always rely on the “wait till your Dad gets home” thing though . Just as well or i,d be demented.

I think you should try and spend some time with your daughter, Maybe a girly day in town or something and you might get to the bottom of this. I harbour lots of things from my childhood also and never aired them with my Mum therefore I often only spoke to her every 6 weeks or so on the telephone, and then didnt have much to say. My Mum died suddenly 7 months ago and we never sorted it out properly.

Lots of love Andrea x

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I’m sorry to hear about your mum Andrea. How do you feel that you didn’t sort it?

I don’t see my dad all that often (my mum died when she was 58 of stomach cancer) but we don’t have a problem with it. He has a lot of time for my sister and my niece and not me and my brother so I don’t go a lot but I know he is there and he knows I am here. Saying that, we are all close. When something does happen to him I won’t feel guilty that I wasn’t there all the time.

My daughter and I were really getting on very well and she was actually more caring than the younger one but something snapped that day. She is home on Sunday and we spoke n the phone earlier !!! She wanted to know what petrol to put into the car!!! and was quite upbeat with me so it’s a start. I hope we can have some time together to sort it. I’ve been the bestmum I could be but would love to go back and change things - be more patient with them etc.

Thanks for caring.

Lots of love to you

Liz xx

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Aarhh you sound like a lovely Mum. I dont think there is any such thing as a perfect Mum we all have faults. There is certainly no such thing as a perfect child , I grounded my 7 yr old for being cheeky today ! It sounds like you are
making headway with your daughter doesnt it.

Me and my Mum had some real bust ups when I was a teenager and didnt speak for weeks they were over some pretty serious things. We gradually started speaking to each other but never discussed it, I feel we should have talked it through. But things were not bad between us and i spoke to her 5 days before she died and she sent me a book , chocolates and a hat ( I had just lost my hair). The parcel arrived the day after she died.

Best wishes to you Liz
Love Andrea xx

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Thank you Andrea. People tell me what a good mum I am. I drop everything just to help them but maybe been too available. Daughter phoned me last night to ask what petrol she should put in her car (first time she has put it in). It is a car that my youngest daughter had and she bought a new one and we bought it off her for daughter no 1. I feel we have given them too much - mostly because everything we have got we saved for and nobody gave us a penny and we want to help ours but maybe it has backfired and they expect. I am not getting paid now so things have to stop.

We have never not spoken whilst she lived here but when she was at uni we were meant to feel like lepers that she didn’t want us in her flat she shared with others and we were always made to feel “well you’ve done what I wanted you to do now you can go”. It was like that the whole 3 years at uni and upset me and hubby but we never said anything and just let it go. BUT when she was stressed with her work who did she ring - me. I have raced down to Manchester at all times just to sit with her and calm her down. Sometimes it would just need a phone call. She got a 2:1 so it was worth it and so lovely to see her graduate. But just before graduation, infact its 2 years this month, she fell out with me and it got to the point where I didn’t feel welcome to go to the graduation. I wrote her a letter and put pictures in of me and her when she was little. We had a good talk and it seemed to clear the air. She has a very fiery temper and you just can’t talk to her when she “has one on her”.

I suppose in the real world people do talk about their differences but it’s hard sometimes. It would be with her as she can’t just talk - she’s like her dad and goes off the deep end. I think you learn as you get older how to cope with different situations.

I cried when I read your post that you got your mum’s parcel the day after she died. How did you cope with that? Must have been heartbreaking but then again so lovely to receive.

My mum died at 58 of stomach cancer. I was going to see her on the Wednesday afternoon as I had nobody to look after the girls in the morning. she was wide awake in the morning then went to sleep and never spoke again. she died the following Sunday. I remember sitting there holding her hand and told her I loved her and she must have heard because she squeezed my hand.

Liz xx