Very sad

This is my very first time in a forum of any kind! I wonder if anyone has any advice for me please?

I was diagnosed January 2014 in both breast (only found irregularity in one). Had to have both breasts removed which was total shock. I was very fortunate to have private health cover through my husband’s work and was able to have Oncotype DX test carried out. The result meant I didn’t have to have chemotherapy for which I will be forever grateful! I am now taking Tamoxifen. At this time, I never cried, not once, while my husband, mum, sister and the rest of the close family were falling apart around me, I felt I had to be the strong one. My biggest problem is that, while we kept everything as normal as possible for our children (son 8, daughter 15), we didn’t actually deal with the situation we found ourselves in. Now, I am in a huge mess as my husband decided he needed time and space to sort his head and found a flat to live in. He has been gone 5 months but still comes at least every other day to see us but has shut down and won’t speak. I am at my wits’ end - I love him and want him back.
I also have terrible guilty feelings that I am still alive and my good friend’s mum who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the same time as I was diagnosed with BC, died. Please help me. Thank you

Hi Holl

Welcome to the BCC discussion forums, you’ve come to the right place for some good, honest support from the many informed users of this site, who I am sure will be along soon to help you.  You will probably find that your situation is not unique, and others have had similar things happen to them, so I am sure you will find the support you are looking for here.

BCC have many publications and support services to help you through this, one of which being our helpline, the team are here for you both for the practical help and emotional help and support, so please don’t hesitate in giving them a call.  Lines are open weekdays 9-5 and Saturdays 10-2. 0808 800 6000, calls are free from landlines and most mobiles.

Take care,

Jo, Moderator

Hi Holl


Welcome to the forum.  You do seem to have had it particularly tough. It sounds as though your husband is in shock to me, however it is positive that he is visiting you every other day. A lot of men, if not all, do seem to have trouble articulating their feelings and just ‘clam up’.  Could you persuade him to go to marriage counselling with you?  Does he have a computer?  Perhaps he could chat anonymously to some of the husbands on here or just read how other men feel and what they have to say. I am assuming that you have actually told him that you love him and want him back. I also get a ‘guilty’ feeling now and then because I am older and my daughter’s friend also died of cancer when she was only 35 years old but deep down we both know that we are being illogical. You can’t turn the clock back my love and you can’t save the world single-handed. You must think of yourself and your lovely children and put your own needs first now. Keep accessing the forum because you will find lots of friends on here who can give you support. I hope this has been of some help to you. xxx