I was diagnosed with breast cancer just before Christmas. I’m waiting for a lumpectomy at the beginning of February. The waiting is driving me crazy. Telling people has been difficult, as have some of the reactions: a “joke” about going to a euthanasia clinic in Switzerland, gifts like a religious item (I’m not religious) and a photo of a lady with a mastectomy scar tattooed with daisies. I was told, “Oh, you’ll be all right.” as though I’d scraped my knee. I get that people mean to be kind and I thank them for their kindness rather than what was said or given. I understand that people don’t know what to do or say and are bound to get it wrong, just like I must have in the same situation but it gets me down.
Hi Dora ,welcome to the forum .People can say the most ridiculous hurtful things out of embarrassment or fear .I had friends say all sorts of things that either made me upset angry or cringe -I don’t think they intended to hurt me at all- people are just incredibly uncomfortable about cancer particularly if they haven’t experienced it themselves.Where are you up to with your treatment ? Best wishes Jill.
No you haven’t posted inappropriately at all .Please feel free to vent your spleen here !! It’s very , very scary in the beginning and very hard for those around you to understand what you are going through.There is lots of support here from people who understand - it does get easier in time .x
Hiyer Dorabel, This place is for doing just that, saying in your heart what you feel. Well, as for what people say, we actually have a thread somewhere that is on the go about exactly that…the things that people say. There are some astonishing responses from people detailing erratic and inappropriate comments, but I have to say that Switzerland ‘joke’ is right up there with the worst I’ve heard. Absolutely astonishing. I’m surprised you didn’t just start wailing on the spot, I think I might have. Yep, many people can be daft when faced with this ‘news’, and often it isn’t at all helpful, but ignore what you can and chalk it up to your own development - i.e. when in the future you have to give an answer to someone it will be well considered and quite different to the idiots you’ve heard from. I don’t think there’s one person amongst us who hasn’t had at least one daft thing said to them! Its a mixture of fear, (on their part), shock, a lack of experience and good old fashioned stupidity lol Now concentrate on you, thats what is important here. x
I am so grateful to you, Jill & Charys, for your kind, supportive messages. They made a difference: I had to tell a group of friends my bad news yesterday and I was able to do in a good way. The usual stuff was said and I did not feel upset. I just felt sorry for having to tell them unwelcome news.
Sorry to hear of the reaction from others to your diagnosis but as has been said here many people are terrified of the word “cancer” and ill-equipped to respond. That is why this forum is so good! I too found it hard to tell people I had BC as I couldn’t cope with their emotions, let alone my own. I told my brother and sisters but had to ask other family members to pick up the phone and speak to extended family and friends. There are still many people who don’t know that I have had surgery and are currently having radiotherapy and maybe they never will! That is something we do at least have control of - so really up to you who you want to tell. I had a long wait for my operation due to pre-op complications so appreciate how scary that can be but you will get there and get through the other side…And I am sure, like me, be suprised by the people who have stepped up to be beside you along the way. Take care and keep in touch x
Thank you, Charys & Shefgirl. Your posts are really helpful. I find that who to tell is as much a geographical matter as anything else. My friend in Sweden may not ever have to know. The friends I see several times a week noticed something was wrong before I said anything. When the people I interact with know, then I can be myself. We can chat together without cancer being mentioned but if I’m a bit quiet then people know why. The cancer diagnosis put a wall of glass between me and the rest of the world. Telling the right people, in the right way, has thinned the glass.
I was at a very low point when first I posted. Thank you for your kindness and understanding. xx