Waiting for post op results

Hi everyone! I’m not good at sharing my feelings and everyone thinks I’m strong and looks to me for support when things go wrong but I am not coping well with this. I found a lump in the side of my left breast in February and was diagnosed with ILC. The lump was 15mm ER+. I had a WLE & SNB ten days ago. The scars are healing well and very neat and with time should be hardly noticeable. Breast is still swollen but shape looks acceptable but will be slightly smaller than my good breast. Excercises are going well with no complications. After reading posts on this site I should be grateful but I am terrified that when I get my results tomorrow that there wont be a clear margin and that I will need a mx. I have great admiration for the women who have come through an mx and have written about their success stories but they are not me and that would be my limit. I don’t think I’m vain but I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, my life would be over. I am on my own with a 16 year old daughter who I haven’t told as she is in the middle of her standard grade exams. I have a good job which I enjoy but it involves lots of interaction with customers and suppliers and I don’t think I can carry on as my confidence will be lost and I will be miserable. I know I am being selfish but I want to refuse a mx and take my chances - it’s my life! I don’t want my life to change, if I lose the little bit of happiness I have then there is no point going on if I’m miserable. I can cope with anything else - losing my hairs, ect but not my breast.
I know I am jumping the gun and being irrational as I don’t even have the results but everyone keeps telling me I need to do as I am advised by the doctors but I don’t its my life and I’m in control. I hate what is happening to me and don’t even want to go tomorrow. I know I will cause its like being on an out of control train which you can’t stop. At this stage before the results I am looking at rads and tamoxifen but I don’t want to be fat and have no sex drive, if that happens to me I will flush them down the loo.
Sorry for all my bad vibes but I don’t want to be here!! And am probably making no sense whatsoever.

Dear techgirl, I am sorry to read that you are having such a difficult time, in addition to the support you will soon have here please do call our helpliners to talk your feelings through. Lines open weekdays 9-5 and Sat 10-2 on 0808 800 6000 and our team are here to help you through this

Take care

Lucy

Dear Techgirl

If I have learned anything from visiting this site, it’s that everything is ‘normal’ and our reactions to this situation are different. If I’m any example, it’s quite ok to have emotions that range from one extreme to another. Don’t feel that you ‘should be grateful’ you are you, and you know what is important for you. I’m in no way experienced in this, but it seems that you have a lot going on in your head. Talk to the experts. Talk to the Breast Care nurses from your hospital and talk to the helpline from this site. I’m a single mum too - I have four children and at times it’s exhausting just ‘being there’ for them. Remember, you are not alone in this, there is so much support out there, all you need to do is ask. I am thinking of you. Take care xxx

Hi Lucy & Suffolklady
Thanks for your support. My emotions are all over the place at the moment and I think that scares me as much as anything. I’ve always survived everything that life has thrown at me and I’ve always known that no matter how bad things got that I would get through it. But this just seems to have taken all my strength away, I’m at a complete loss. I am desperately trying to hold onto the positives that I found it early and that the surgeon said my lump was tiny and this would help to get a clear margin but…
Results Tuesday but don’t want to know!
XXX

Well worst fears realised. In 1/2 lymph nodes and no clear margin. So looking at possibly months of ops to keep trying to get a clear margin as its ILC or straight into an mx. My life is over doesn’t matter what happens I won’t be happy with the results. Will tell everyone I’m fine and will survive but inside I will be dying…

Hi Techgirl

I am so sorry to hear about your results. On a little positive note, there are lots of wonderful ladies on here that have gone back for a 2nd op when they did get clear margins. This is an impossible situation that you are in and if you look deep, deep inside you, you will find the strength to carry on.

There are many battles to fight in this war. Some we will win and some we will loose, but we will WIN the war.

Stay focused sweetie, keep coming to the forum and vent your emotions. We are all here and will get through this together.

Lots of loving cyber hugs heading your way.
Love
Martha xx

Techgirl

As far as I’m aware, they can only do two ‘shaves’ to get clear margins. If they don’t get them then, they will advise mastectomy and you can have a reconstruction at the same time, so there won’t be months of surgery. One lady I know had her two ‘shaves’ and the second was successful. Your life isn’t over, you said your cancer is ER+, so you will probably be having a hormone tablet on top of surgery. I had Ductal Invasive cancer, ER+ and PR+, HER2-. Had mx and snb. Tumour was 36mm (3cm) and GRADE 3. 1 in 3 nodes positive and vascular invasion. My life most definitely IS NOT over. I have almost finished chemo, not having radiotherapy because of lung condition which threatens my life MORE than cancer ever will. So I’m having hormone tablet for five years and might have an Axillary Clearance at some point in the future. Things could be so much worse, so I’m keeping positive for my family and myself. I’m not a quitter.

Poemsgalore

Thanks everyone for you support. I’m going from ‘I will beat this’ to ‘I want to crawl into a hole’ on the other. Maybe time will help me deal with it? Seeing plastic surgeon on Monday to discuss my options. Just want my life back…

Hi Techgirl
I had mx and expander recon 7 weeks ago - first surgery on offer as I had 3 tumours and now I’m having chemo to be followed up by rads and hormone tabs. I already ‘love’ my new breast and have confidence to go out in low cut tops as I still have a cleavage (not equal size breast currently as still not fully expanded) but the surgeon has done a great job. I feel like me again which was what I was worried about in advance of the surgery and why I had the immediate recon. The cosmetic surgeon will show you photos of his/her work - they won’t be the best they can do as they need to show you some that aren’t so good. My OH asked the breast surgeon why we weren’t shown how good it could look in advance and the surgeon smiled and said ‘you don’t show your best up front so the customer can be impressed with their own results’! Please don’t think your life is over as the cosmo’s do amazing work and they will try to do their best for you which ever option you chose.
Good luck Monday, hope you feel more comfortable with the options after you have met the cosmetic surgeon.
Kate
x