Want to get a camper van and drive off into the sunset.....

I dont know what is wrong with me. I was diagnosed with BC 2010 had a mastectomy (left side) followed by chemo radio therapy and tamoxifen. I have side effects from the Tamoxifen so I am now taking citrolopram as well for depression. Last year I had a reconstruction and just recently had my nipple reconstructed and tatooed. So I am coming out the other side so to speak - so why do I feel like crap? I feel I dont know my husband anymore all he does is pick at me and shout - he has a stressful job so he comes home always in a bad mood. I get tired and sometimes go for a nap in the afternoon - after I have done all the housework, prepared tea and I also run my own business but he doesnt like me doing that and calls me lazy. He has always had a temper but he is so angry - I have been to relate but he wont go with me so there is nothing they can do. I have stopped drinking wine because it losens my tongue and I tell him what I think and then he gets really mad - one time he said “he wished the cancer had killed me”. He said he didnt mean it but I cant forget those words. I know I have changed, I work from home (cottage industry) and I love my job (my husband says its my hobby). I have tried to change our eating habits but I am constantly moaned at if he doesnt have his meat and veg and now the kids are starting to moan as well. He is like a child at mealtimes … I cook everything from scratch but I would get more of a happy response if I gave them chips and processed rubbish. The kids have always had a good diet but now I know their pack up ends up in the bin because its minging. I do all the housework because I work from home and then he cant understand that I am behind with the paper work. I cant walk the dogs because they pull me and I need someone to help me but nobody will so I got a harness that cost £30.00 and he went absolutely balistic! We used to go on long walks with the dogs but now he just goes to work comes back and sits in front of the telly. I think he needs help but he wont accept it … he just says that he has needs and Im not meeting them (sex) but who wants to make love when youre treated like a piece of dirt. I have thought about leaving him but I dont know where to start

Dear Twidz

A very warm welcome to the BCC forums where I am sure you will soon have lots of support from your fellow users.   In addition to this, our helpliners are on hand to support you through what sounds like a very difficult time for you, our team can offer you emotional and practical support so please feel free to call on 0808 800 6000, lines are open today and weekdays 9-5 and Saturdays 10-2

Take care

Lucy BCC

Got room for another? 

Hi Twidz

I was diagnosed last year, had mx, chemo and rads. My OH was great at looking after me, both retired so he had nothing else to do, well that’s what I told him.

Anyway, he died earlier this year of bowel cancer, very quick 2 weeks after diagnosis. I was soooo angry at him and I am only now getting over this anger. I really don’t know why I am angry but I am, as I said not quite as bad as I only cuss him every other day instead of all day every day! Probably a good psychiatrist could explain why.

Three years is a long time for your husband to be angry but anger is easier to express than fear or grief. Have you actually asked your OH why he is angry? Maybe he hasn’t really sat down and thought about it or refuses to accept that his anger is to cover the fear. I’m afraid it’s probably a man thing and he won’t talk about feelings. He has needs, you have needs, number one being treated as a wife should be not just someone to be abused then used to meet his needs. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but…

For a lot of years I worked from home so I understand this part. People think because you are at home all day, then you should have the tidiest, cleanest house, and should have plenty time to spend walking dogs, chatting on the phone, visiting neighbours, etc. I know it doesn’t work that way – my OH would sometimes come home asking what’s for dinner, yeh right, I’ll see what’s in the freezer that I can knock up quickly. If he didn’t like what was available there was always the chippie! His choice. He gave up asking and just ate what I made, assuming I had had time to cook fresh. Nobody starved. Daughter would occasionally moan but she ate what was on the table or went hungry.

Look after yourself first of all, the kids won’t be undernourished because you have bought a couple of ready made meals. Kids are surprisingly tough, as for your OH well he’s a big boy get him to do the cooking at the weekend to give you a break, he might even enjoy it.

Take care


If I were you I would put his clothes in a black bin back and tell him to F off - but I’m not you and it sounds like you have a lot of things you need to talk about with someone. Relate won’t be any good for you but maybe if you ask your doctor he could find you a suitable councilor.  You have a lot to deal with and I wouldn’t have thought you would get what you need from the forum.


On the other hand, why don’t you get in that camper van and drive and drive and drive. You might have a great adventure and your OH might realise what a P he is, either way it’s got to be better than where you are now. And it looks like one of the others who have replied to you might even go with you.  You could be Thelma and Louise and report back on here the adventures you get up to. I would SO LOVE to read about that!


Good luck and while I would say your OH maybe needs an opportunity to sort himself out, I would also say he needs a kick up the proverbial!


Much love



First thing is it sounds like you are doing the most amazing job!
Find a good councillor if your husband won’t go to start with you go.