Ladies, a very good friend of mine found out last week that she has grade 3 breast cancer - and as I type is sitting in a room somwhere with her surgeon discussing her ‘next steps’. We know its spread to her lymph nodes - but the extent of which I dont know (neither did she) - last week following a mammogram she was taken straight for a cone biopsy and something else - and diagnosed with the cancer the same day…a week and a day later and she is back facing the next steps. Any advise for ME on what is likely to happen next - I dont want to bombard her with questions - she might not want to divuldge every bit of information to me/us…how can I, as a friend, support her? She doesnt live near me so I cant go to the apts with her…thanks in advance for any help.
Hi itsonlyme,
You sound like a lovely friend to have and just the sort of person your friend is going to need around to get through a tough few months.
There are two main ways round this can work:
Either they do surgery to get rid of the lump (either just removing the lump or a mastectomy depending on the size of the lump) and any affected lymph nodes THEN whatever follow-up treatment (probably chemo for stage three), radiotherapy and any treatment based on analysis of what triggers the cancer responds to (sometimes hormones, sometimes herceptin, sometimes none of these in which case chemo alone will be used).
Or they might decide to shrink the lump with chemo first so that they can do a less radical surgery to remove it. Chemo will tackle the lymph nodes too, so these will be left and any treatment done surgically at same time as lump or by the chemo and radiotherapy. So, chemo, then surgery, then maybe rads and hormone or whatever other treatment.
The first feeling I had was shock, but I also felt like I had to be strong for everyone else and minimise it (its not that bad, at least they can treat it) whilst internally - and particularly in the middle of the night - I was scared to death. Just being around and allowing your friend to be honest with you about how she really feels will be a massive support. Once treatment starts it is better because at least you feel like you are tackling it and moving forwards to get it behind you.
Once your friend knows whether she is straight into chemo (and which one because there are lots of different ones), there are lots of specific threads here on possible side effects of each treatment and tips on things that help to get through it. Likewise with surgery, people who have been there have some great suggestions which really helped me. I don’t know whether your friend will be someone who wants to know the detail and talk on forums or will not. I would discourage googling, particularly at first as it scared me to death. If she isn’t a forum user, or doesn’t want to do that at first, you could maybe read some of the threads specific to particular treatments so that you can help her along the way.
At least you will feel like you are doing something. I have always felt that bc is worse for friends and family than for the person who has it because they so much want to help and support but its not always easy to know how.
Well done for being a lovely, caring friend and both you and your friend are very welcome here. This forum has been a godsend to me in getting through this x
This is obviously a shock for you as well as your friend. Listen when she wants to talk but don’t be afraid to talk about other stuff when she doesn’t want to talk about cancer and treatments. The most important thing is not to forget her after a few weeks or months. The treatments will go on for months and months and gradually friends that phoned, e-mailed, or were there at the start fall out of touch. That is when a lot of us feel forgotten and sometimes lonely. And yes, I know she could call you but I don’t call friends who haven’t been in touch as I think I’m bothering them or they’re bored of me being ill now.
I’m not a BC expert by any means but would think grade 3 with node involvement would probably mean mastectomy, chemo and radiotherapy. The size of the tumour seems to determine whether it’s chemo first then the mastectomy, or mastectomy first and then chemo. Radiotherapy always seems to come after.
Was about to post and just saw Mary Grace’s reply - I agree with everything she says - particularly about you sounding like a lovely friend. I should have said that too.
Thanks ladies - mastectomy on Monday - but I dont know anmore than that from her yet - she is breaking the news to her children tonight - so lord only knows how she will cope with that one - she is only 41…anyway - when I know more ‘details’ so to speak shall use the boards to try and find out stuff - I hate to keep asking her but I feel like I need to be armed with info in order to be sympathetic/helpful - does that make sense - I want to undertsnad it with her - to support her - but not be intrusive to keep asking “well what next then?”…I will heed your advise about being there THROUGHOUT too and not forgetting about her fight many months down the line…and also to remember that there is still a life outside the cancer and to be lighthearted about stuff at times too as its all so bloody awful and serious…I am already telling her I am saving my haircuttings to make her a wig!!! Thanks again. And much to love to you both too. xxxxx
What a lovely friend you are!
After a few months she may be very BORED with cancer, so do be able to talk to her about non-cancer stuff. The other bits of life still happen - kids, illness, holidays, money worries, washing machine breaking down, birthday parties, school parent evenings, etc etc etc, so all of that stuff that you might have talked about still needs to be talked about. Cancer is a REAL BORE, and it’s great to be able to escape from it with friends who know the rest of you.
Itsonlyme, can I just echo everything everyone else has said. What a lovely person you are. Most of my friends have been absolutely amazing since my diagnosis, visting, phone calls and coming to appointments, it is the one thing that has made my cancer bearable, so well done to you for being such a thoughtful friend. Your friend will really really appreciate your kindness.
Hugs xxx
Hi
I am new to this as my sister (49)is only just waiting for the results of her biopsy. We are all very scared. Hopeful that all be well but we simply do not know. I know that my supporting role has already begun and I want to do it as well as I can. Has anyone got any advice for how we deal with now until next Wednesday when she will get the results?
Thank you all.
Hi
I echo the comments on this thread. My friends and family have been brilliant since I found out last week that I have breast cancer. As my brother told me at times like this you find out who your true friends are. Even two friends who are going through it themselves at present are checking in to see how I am getting on.
All the best
Anne
Perhaps dont feel you have to say anything…just be!
Offer specific help - what can I ccok nd bring over, which hospital can I take you to etc rather than ‘anythig I can do to help’, it is much easier to accept specific help!
Sadie Xx Xx
hello all,
My best friend has just been diagnosed & starts her chemo later this week.
She has had some lovely gifts from friends but are there any practical things I can buy her that may help her through the chemo?
I have been advised that she will need pit rock deodorant??? & pineapple juice is the only thing that doesnt taste like slime after chemo…any thoughts
x
That’s lovely, missmiley. How about asking your friend if there’s anything specific she needs? Does she enjoy reading? Do you know what her taste in books is? Everyone’s experience is very personal so it’s a bit tricky to suggest something as we don’t know your friend like you do.
One thing that might be nice could be a regular “date” to do something with or for her, rather than a “thing”. If you can arrange to meet up (you go to hers, bringing something tasty so she doesn’t have to cook particularly if she’s tired) might be just the thing, but only you can say really, as you know what she’s like.
But thank you for taking the time to think about it, friends do sometimes disappear during chemo…
Hi Misssmiley
Thanks for being a practical lovely friend, and I agree with CM, everyone’s experience through this is totally different.
Some small practical pro-active things which she may find useful
1)Ultra soft toothbrush and corsodyl (which she can get on free prescription) in case of sore mouth.
2) ‘Sucky sweets’ I find mint ones useful to ward off sick feeling/taste in mouth
3) Wheat pack (microwaveable) to keep arm warm whilst drugs being administered (keeps veins open and makes it easier going in)
4) Peppermint tea bags - I go off dairy and peppermint helps to keep sick feeling at bay, as does ginger biscuits or candied ginger.
I agree, offer specific help, sometimes saying ‘if there is anything I can do to help’ renders never asking for help at all…
Offer to cook lunch/take lunch around, watch a dvd together, attend chemo session with her, go to wig appt (dependant on which chemo she is having) etc
Hope this helps and good luck to you and your friend and you can always dip back in here if you need further info/advice
Bev x
Thanks Beverlie & CM,
took her some bits round this afternoon & it was all on her list to get & she was really chuffed (& a bit relieved as she’s runout of vases lol!!!).
I finally felt not absolutely useless so thanks for the advice.
xx
Hi, this is my first post. A lovely lady at work, who has helped me, and others when we started, and who I have known about a year, recently had to have some tests in hospital. She came to work later that week, then the next week she was off sick (I’m p/t and work mainly different shifts to her). I asked around but noone knew, or weren’t saying why. I sent a ‘thinking of you’ card, but I didn’t have her full address,so I don’t know if she received it. This week I saw a card pinned on the noticeboard at work from her, thanking everyone for the lovely bouquet she had received and saying that it had been a difficult time getting the diagnosis but that she was going to have treatment, chemo etc and was determined to fight. I was shocked at the news that this lovely kind lady was suffering so, and I would like to be of help to her. I do not live near to her but I would like to write to her and perhaps send her some little things, does anyone have any suggestions? I though perhaps some cartoons, crosswords, the work free newspaper to keep her uptodate with things, but I feel so useless, we get on well but I don’t know what her interests are. Hope you can help.
Have found someone at work who put me in contact with my friend, and having re-read many of the posts here, am putting together a few things to take/send her if she feels up to seeing a visitor. Will write to her regularly even when I can’t visit.