I lay in bed this morning pondering on the responses from my family and friends when I acknowledge that I don’t have much time left. Diagnosed in April with advanced TBNC in lungs and liver, two treatment options later with no improvement I have come to terms with the fact that I’m dying. I can’t say I like it and there have been lots of tears but barring a miracle it’s the truth.
If I so much as infer this to my relatives and friends I get “Don’t say that” or “No, you’ve got to be positive” and such like unhelpful remarks. I then end up reassuring them which is surely the wrong way round. Does anybody have any ideas how to let people know gently that denying this reality isn’t helpful? I occasionally get snappy which isn’t fair as I appreciate they mean well.
I’m so sorry your friends and family are denying your reality. You know they are trying to make things easier for you but that doesn’t work. Some are trying to ease their own fears for you and for themselves. I don’t think you can change this but, at the same time, you shouldn’t be made to feel this way. You’ve chosen to be pragmatic, which I truly admire. Is it worth trying to educate them into your way of thinking (“Does anybody have any ideas how to let people know gently that denying this reality isn’t helpful?” Maybe that simple approach would be enough?) If not, all I can think of is that you extend that attitude to their platitudes, see them for what they really are and roll your eyes. Remember Spike Milligan’s words: “I told you I was ill.” Presumably inspired by the same experience as yours.
I am so sorry to hear this, and I cannot imagine how difficult it is to face, let alone with the well-meaning friends.
If it were me, I’d go for a blunt but kind approach, perhaps along the lines of “hope for the best, but prepare for the worst”. Can you explain to them that while everyone can hope for a miracle, you have to choose how to spend the time you have left in case one doesn’t turn up? The idea of living as if your time is limited isn’t a bad one, for anyone, and I am in awe of you for the level of acceptance you have reached.
I’m so so sorry you are having to hear things like that . I struggle with some similar things said and it’s distressing isn’t it . I think it is probably that it’s about others trying to feel better themselves or thinking it might make you feel better but it doesn’t work like that and is really upsetting. We need people to accept the reality and stand along side . I’m also pondering how to tackle it myself . Sometimes I think I’ll go all guns blazing and I expend a lot of emotional energy silently rehearsing what to say but am beginning to think a gentler plea like ‘‘please help me by accepting the situation and standing by me without advice or denial ‘ might be more helpful ?