Hi all,
haven’t been on for a while. I’ve been keeping myself very busy with a refit in our shop and relaunch and all the usual ‘normal’ things that life dishes up. I thought I was doing o.k and then out of the blue I get these horrible feelings again. What’s going on?? I feel so guilty for having these thoughts and feelings, I mean after all I am still alive and as far as I know I am doing well, so I should be grateful shouldn’t I? I am fed up with wingeing in my poor hubby’s ear…he has been such a rock and is so understanding, but it’s not fair to keep on all the time so I don’t.
Just lately, I have been so very low…I get up in the morning and there it is, staring me in the face. I cover up, make up and not too low clothes, I play with my now curly hair…I always wanted curly hair and quite like it really, then some one (who meant well) said that it will grow out!! I face the day and pretend that all is well, sometimes I go for a day or two when it is only in my mind when I am getting undressed, sometimes the day is full of thoughts of what has happened. On occasions I feel angry, I want my old life back!!! Sometimes the day is easy and I hear myself laugh, then I think it’s ok and feel little warm inside. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be truly happy again. I think that I have gone through so many phases I have lost count, I have blamed the cancer for all sorts of things and then realised that ‘normal’ people have off days too. I sometimes wonder if the mastectomy has been my real monster. Will I ever feel like me again or is this it, the new me is unsure, lacking in confidence (not to mention not feeling very sexy). I sometimes really don’t like looking at the reflection in the mirror and wonder what happened to the twinkle in my eye, more than that though I’m not sure if I like the person inside…should I feel bitter, fed-up sad and mournful?..is that alright?
Sorry to harp on but this is the only place where I really know that you won’t judge me. I’m just fed up at the mo and wnat it all how it was. Sorry.
I know really that I am better than I was, i just wish that it had never happened.
hope I haven’t brought up horrid feelings for any one else, I just feel so alone today.
scarlet. xx
Scarlet,
Let me assure you are not alone in what you are feeling.
I still have all of those feelings and thoughts 3 years from DX.
The good thing about this site is that you can let it all out and someone will nearly always have been where you are and can relate to what you are going through.
How long ago were you DX?
I have found i am a much less tolerant person than i was before BC…and can be very short tempered and impaitent.
Sometimes…and these are very rare moments…i forget about the cancer for a few minutes…then other times i think to myself…you are fighting/ in remission from cancer.
This disease is vile and its not just the physcal side of it the emotional side is just as bad.
Hoping you have a better day tomorrow.
karen x
Hi Scarlet
This is my first posting on this site, I have looked at the site before but never knew what to say on it until today. I know exactly how you are feeling, I have just returned to work as well and have all the same feelings you have. I am going on holiday soon and bought new clothes to wear and ended up hating them all (I dont think they look right on). I am dreading going on the beach and the swimming, but feel if I dont do it now, I never will.
I expect things will get better in the future, we are allowed a few bad days.
Paters x
Thankyou for your comments, I sometimes wonder if I would go mad should I not be able to go on about all this carry on, thank goodness for this site. Still feeling a little delicate, sure it will pass soon, it has before. What do you think of councelling, I dont’ know if I would benefit, but am willing to try…I think. Does anyone else get panicky? I worry about silly things now, like how delicate and fragile the balance of everything is. Gosh, that sounds very deep…but does any one know what I mean.
Thanks again
sending you all my hugs.
Scarlet. xx
Dear Scarlet
You are welcome to contact our freephone confidential helpline for further support and a ‘listening ear’ if you feel this would help at the moment. Our trained helpliners and specialist nurses are able to talk to you about our other support services too which you may also find helpful, such as ‘peer support’ whereby you are put in touch with someone, by telephone, of a similar age and diagnosis to you. To find out more details please look under ‘Support for you’ at the top of this page.
Our helpline number is 0808 800 6000 and it is open Monday to Friday 9am-5pm and Saturday 9am-2pm.
Best wishes
Lucy
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care
Hi, I am two weeks post radiotherapy, I have been very sore and burnt the worse these last two weeks than with all the surgery etc. It was’nt until I went to radiotherapy that it hit me that I had breast cancer. But I have to say as someone with other major skeletal problems you do go through times when you feel that life will never be the same again as you can’t do what you once did, like walking, cycling staying up late at night, entertaining. All of these things I have had to ‘come to terms with’ over the last ten years. Now this!
I agree that even for people without medical restrictions can get fed up so I feel we must put this into perspective whilst giving ourselves time to be down or fed up but to acknowledge it happens without breaset cancer.
Hope you are feeling better about life by now and hope I have’nt made things worse.
Hi
I have just read your comments and it could have been me who wrote them. I am so miserable at times no particluar reason treatment all finished one year on since diagnosis but I keep thinking this time last year I was about to find out I had cancer and all the things that have happened since then don’t seem real. I don’t feel real, I feel so alone at times despite having had the most amazing support from all around me. I want to move on but feel scared and anxious of what the future will hold, used to like being organised and planning ahead now really can’t be bothered, keep saying I will do this and that but never do, don’t seem to have the energy or the enthusiasm anymore. I am back at work but nothing in my life seems real anymore only thing that did feel good recently was when I went to the hairdresser and she trimmed my hair!!
Sorry to moan not usually like this
Suzie B
Well I thought I was the only one with these horrible thoughts. Have great days well up to about 6 weeks then bang deep depression which this time I ended up in hospital I felt so ill. Now am home but still feel very lonely and have cannot be bothered thoughts and crying all the time. I am under the crisis support team who visit me everyday. Just want to get back to normal and stay that way, its tough isnt it… Like suzie sorry to moan but just feel so down at the moment,
Elaine