I have just found out that my mum only has weeks to live and I don’t know what to do? I am devastated and don’t know how to handle this. I love her so much and it hurts so bad.
She was diagnosed with Breast cancer in 2005 and we thought she had battled it off - after a harsh round of chemo & radiotherapy. 3 weeks ago she went to the dr’s with breathlessness and after an xray we found out she had several lesions in her lungs.
She declined so fast. Within a week she could not walk, her memory was poor and she was very confused. She was sent for a CT scan which found lesions in her liver & brain.
She did not respond to steroids and the consultant said that because of this radiotherapy would be pointless & she is too ill for chemo. They said yesterday there was nothing else that could be done. Dad wanted to know a time scale and was told ‘weeks rather than months’.
I’m so scared. She is the most wonderful mum you could wish for. I dont know what I will do without her - it hurts so much.
We have had a great year (which I am so thankful for) my son was born in April (her first grandson) and my neice in July & we had many special family occassions & I couldn’t have imagined that this was in store for us all.
She is not in pain (as far as we can tell) but has lost much of her mental capacity, being unable to join in conversations much & sleeping much of the day so it is like she fades away a little more every day. She means the world to me & I cant imagine life without her.
I find it almost unbearable that she wont be around to watch my son grow & he will never know his granny - this is so painful.
I want to know what I should do, how do I cope with this. It’s so hard with a 6 month old needed my undivided attention. It’s so unfair, I’m so sad and angry, I cant stop crying. I love her so, so much. How do I go on without her?
Oh Gilbo, I am so very sorry to read your post, you must all be utterly devastated. Of course you are sad and angry and confused, who wouldn’t be, and I hope you are finding the spaces you need to let those emotions out.
There is no one ‘right’ way to face this awful situation, but however you approach it is right for you. Try to take things a day at a time. If you are able to spend time with your Mum, try to focus on happy things, memories that make you smile and laugh. If she has favourite music perhaps you could play that. Or read to her from favourite books. Look at photos and talk about them. Perhaps you could massage her skin with her favourite lotion. If she has ‘better’ days and the weather is suitable, perhaps she can be taken out to places she loves. There is still time to make some new, precious memories, to take photos of her with her grandchildren.
I firmly believe that our loved ones do not leave us until they know we are ready to cope without them. Of course it will be very difficult, of course you will miss her depserately, but you will know that she knew you could do it.
Make sure that you have time to enjoy your son, and time for yourself, the best you can. If you exhaust yourself rushing around, you will be no use to anyone. Do you have a close friend you can confide in?
I wish I could make it right for you, but I can’t. I do know you will find suport on here fromforum posters, and that if you phone the helpline people 0808 800 6000 when they are open again, they will offer you a listening ear and practical help.
A cyber hug from me to you.
I’m so so sorry Gilbo, I can only imagine the pain you are feeling, sending hugs xxx
I hope however much time your mum has left, she does not suffer too much pain, and that you are able to make some more good memories with her xxx
I am so so sorry and know what you are going through. I lost my mum in march as it had spread to her liver. and we were told weeks not months. i was absolutely devastated. the pain is horrific. alot of it was for her, that she had it, had to go through it. i spent as much time as possible with her which meant partner, mother in law and friends helping out With my 2 children. i was also pregnant with my 3rd, a boy who she never got to meet. it is such a hard time but I do feel now that we were lucky to have had the time to talk and say how much we loved her and had some laughs too. Also the part I was dreading the most was actually quite peaceful and she didn’t have much pain at all. She was at Dorothy House Hospice and they made things a lot easier and were fantastic. when I was with mum I felt I had an inner strength to keep it together for her and even now still want to be strong for her and make her proud of me. It is unfair and absolutely awful But you will cope and I know that coming home to my children helped me to carry on with everyday stuff. feel free to ask me anything. Take care xxx
I think Rev cat has said it all so perfectly , I just couldnt read your post and not say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this, I hope you find the strength you need to get through this toughest of times, may you also have some special time with your lovely mum and baby boy , big hugs being sent your way xx
Thinking of you lots Gilbo, hope you are doing ok xxx
Gilbo I’m sorry to see your news. Revcat has said everything I would liked to have said.
If you mother is not fully concious - she will still be able to hear you.
I believe that death is just another country and one day we will meet our loved ones again.
Take care , sending a gentle cyber hug
Glo
Gilbo im so sorry,I know exactly where you are now.I still miss my mum 22yrs after she died but it gets easier and you will be able to remember your happy times with a smile rather than tears.Make the most of the time you left with her,there are still some moments to come that you will be able to remember in later years.I know how you feel when you say your children wont remeber her,my kids were only 8 and 6 when their gran died but they both have photos have her and they still listen intently with big smiles when I tell them of the things she did and the fun they had with the most wonderful gran in the world,their memories of her,kept alive through myself are so very precious to them.although they cant actually remember her she is still very special to them amd im sure it will be the same for your children,your mums memory will live on through you.Sending my love to you all,
Di.x
I am so so sorry to hear about your Mum. I lost my mother six years ago last month and it still hurts especially as i
now suffer from secondary breast cancer myself and which has spread to my spine.
I hope you can find the strength to support your father and family and know that your Mum would want you
to carry on and be brave especially as you have a six month old baby who needs you to be strong.
sending you all my love and support to see you through this difficult time.
love jacky
hi gilbo, know how your feeling i lost my dad in july, from prostate cancer, he to went down hill really quickly, we were told he had about 12 weeks left, but he only lived another 8 days, which was a releif really as he was in so much pain, i miss him so much, but haven’t really had time to grieve for him as i found lump in my breast the day off his funeral, so have been on my own rollacoaster ever since. do try to get as many good days as you can with her. and take loads of photo’s we only realized after dad was gone that we didn’t have any recent photos of him.
big hugs xx
suzee
Hi Gilbo
I too know what you’re going through, I lost my dad in April to stomach cancer, we had know for two years but in the end he was told less than 6 months and lasted 3 weeks. My daughter was 3.5 at the time and I know she’ll not really remember him but intend to make sure she has my memories. We are also dealing with the fact my mam has secondary liver cancer and I too have secondary breast cancer but I promise you will find the strength to get through this and your little one will be at the core.
Big Cyberhugs
Joanne
Dear Gilbo 32, I am sorry that you have this added worry in your life when you should be enjoying your new baby.
I lost my Mum at the end of June ( not cancer related) but she had been ill for a long time and had dementia and was in a nursing home when she passed away. I do not have brothers or sisters and my dad is bereft now.
I have secondary BC myself and I can see this from your point of view too. I do not have grandchildren but it would be lovely if I did. I do not know just how ill your Mum is but I personally would just be happy to have my daughter and grandchild in the same room as me, watching my daughter for example reading to the baby. A lot still remains with your Mum yet. My Mum’s eyes always lit up when there was a child in the room even if it wasn’t hers.
My heart goes to you. I still miss my Mum but I think I lost her about 5 years ago really when she got lost somewhere along the way. YOU are going to be a great Mum and to honour your own Mum talk about her to your growing child and remind her what she was like when she brought you up. Your Mum wil be proud of you. She would not want you to regret. Enjoy your last few weeks with her, cherish her but most of all cherish yourself and your baby, that is what you Mum would want you to do. Take courage, We arre all rooting for you. Love Val
Thanks everyone for your kind comments and thoughts.
My mum passed away on thursday night. My dad, me and my sisters were able to be by her side as she passed.
I’m pleased I could be with her & hope that gave her some comfort but struggling without her now.
Thanks again for your support it’s appreciated xxx
So so sorry for your loss Gilbo. I know there’s nothing I can say but sending you lots of love in this difficult time xxx
You are in my thoughts tonight. I truly believe that our loved ones never leave us. Our memories keep them alive in our hearts.
When my Mother died a dear friend wrote this on a sympathy card “remember the good times” and that is what I do. Sometimes I dream about her and it is lovely when I do.
It is so hard to know what to say when a loved one dies but we must remain strong as that is what your Mum would have wanted. Remember the happy times you spent together when you was a child and cherish the time you now have with your little boy. Dont weep for too long as your Mum can see you. The rich pattern of life continues and you will learn to cope . Keep busy , stay around positive people and your closest friends and gradually your smile will return. Sending you lots of love and healing thoughts Tracy xxx
What a loving daughter you are, your mother must have been so proud of you… You must be devastated at her loss. Do please make mum part of your children’s lives as everybody here has said. My one fear is that my darling grandchildren might forget me. My thoughts are with you and your lovely family.
Hello Gilbo, I too am so sorry to read your news.
Although deeply sad, it is lovely that you were all able to be with your Mum to the end, and she will have felt your love and heard your voices, knowing that you were all there. There is a gap in your lives now that can never be filled, but you will also have so many wonderful memories that, in time, will prove a source of comfort and joy. Be gentle with yourself, cry when you need to, rage when when you need to, whatever it may be. You will always carry her love and wisdom in your heart, and as a result pass them on to her grandchildren.
Gentle hugs.
So sorry,Gilbo,my thoughts are with you and your family.
Do.x
Gilbo
So sorry to hear of your loss, my thoughts are with you. Be brave and remember the good times, no one can ever take away
your memories and your Mum will always be with you in spirit.
Jacky XX