Should we put together a list of things not to say to people in our position!!!
For example, I was out with some girlfriends last night and I suggested that if they are talking to someone who is going to or has lost their hair, they dont just say “it will grow back"WE KNOW IT WILL GROW BACK! (Sorry for shouting!)If I was talking to someone in that position now I would say " its sh*t and I am so sorry that you have to go through it”.Another one - Please don’t over exagerate how fab my wig is and DONT say its better than my real hair!!!
Any suggestions?
There is another thread like this somewhere - basically all the crass things people say to you lol. The other thread was quite long (though incredibly funny I have to say!) - I’ll bump it up if I can find it.
A new thread is a good idea though. The one I find worse (and I know it’s just through people’s ignorance/lack of knowledge) - is when someone finds out you have BC they immediately say ‘oh I know someone with that - they lived till 89/they died/they whatever…’
I always feel like saying ‘did they have the same diagnosis as me - did you know that there are tons of different types of BC that all have different outcomes?’
Just makes me so mad that they presume to know exactly what’s going to happen…
Margaret x
Another really annoying comment is “don’t you look well!” - what the hell do they want me to look like? Maybe we should start crawling round on all fours or something!! xx
Don’t you look well!
Your amazing… SO BRAVE !!
Wow that cycle went sooo quickly.
Just think! this time next year all this treatment will be behind you and you won’t ever have to think of BC again!!! - (yeah right - will still be having Herceptin, and Tamoxifen for the next 5 years at least and I don’t EVER panic about secondaries and my future at all!!!)
I have a mantra that I repeat in my head… No-one ever really means to say things that upset us, it’s just people don’t know what to say…
I agree - it must be really difficult for people to know what to say. Do they say nothing or do they dig themselves a very big hole as they come out with verbal Sh*te. I personally would wish that people say nothing and just give me a hug when they see me. Actions speak so much louder than words!! But I dont hold it against those who say the wrong things. I know I always used to and probably still will.
Cathy
x
I agree that these comments are extremely trying. But after a while you start to realise people who have the b*** disaese say them to you as well…as in: “I was diagnosed X years ago and I’m fine now”…and ‘You are such an inspiration’…so I’ve mellowed a bit…but am really interested in finding a more honest language to use about having cancer.
Jane
The best one I had was ‘if you are going to die will you not do it close to September cos Granny is taking me on holiday to Spain then and I don’t want to be sad like I was at Christmas’… I forgave this one cos it was from the 8yr old son of my friend who died in December.
hi all
I have had a lot of delays to my treatment and shoud have finished it this week but still have 2 more to go …
my brother (bless him) who to be fair has been extremely worried about me keeps telling me i’m fine and there’s no problem of any kind …
BUT … his latest is … that it’s only 2 weeks to HIS holiday, then he’s on holiday for 2 weeks so a couple of weeks after he comes back from HIS holiday the chemo should all be over … then he says when you think of it like that it’s not long is it ???
I don’t think he’s quite seeing it from my perspective do you?
If he mentions his s*dding holiday one more time … oh yes - and I’m also getting weight loss reports as he’s on a diet for the beach!
love FizBix xxxx
My husband and I now laugh at anyone who says the “you’re so brave” line - but my personal favourite is “I wouldn’t be able to do it” which we translate as “I’m glad its you not me!!” Even my 12 year old son says it to me to try to make me laugh, with genius comic timing! I had someone today say that my hair, (which personally I think is wonderful now at all of 1 cm long) could look ok if I “did something with it”!! She was very lucky that my hands were in my pockets at the time!
SIobhanX
What is it about the “brave” word…I’ve had that so much, along with “how the hell do you do it!”
Brave is about fighting a fear of say heights, flying, spiders etc etc…you choose to be brave…we did not choose BC!!!
Blah Blah Blah (deep breath in…and out…)
Maybe “strong” is a better word?
Siobhan - I am going for the crop chop next week in preparation for my chemo. Someone asked me why was I spending money on a cut and colour (going either really blonde or black, not quite decided yet) if it was all going to fall out!!! Arghhhhhhh!
Loads
Hayley x 
My pet hate at the minute is how many sessions do you have left (chemo that is) or never mind you will feel better next week…yes just before my next round with the onc. I am sure they all mean well.
XX
After finishing chemo, having a mastectomy and completing radiotherapy (I’m now on Herceptin for a year) a close friend of mine said “Well it’s all behind you now, time to move on” and proceeded to blurt on about his health problems for the next half an hour.
Like Magz175, I get really wound up with the ‘My nieghbours sisters brother-in-laws cousins wife had that and she’s fine now’ gggrrrrr!!!
Recently I went to our monthly breast friends meeting. It was the first time I had been since my diagnosis with secondaries and starting my treatment with chemo. One lady, on hearing my story about my first episode of BC with lumpectomy, followed by 15 radiation and tamoxifen said to me “I bet you wish you’d had chemotherapy first time round then” I was flabbergasted. As if chemo is a guarantee that cancer will never show up again. I wish! I come across a lot of ordinary people who know so much more than my oncologists!! I find that people know even less what to say to me when they hear about my secondaries than when I was first diagnosed. And they mean well when they say 'you’re so brave" but basically I am just doing what the rest of us do, getting on with it!
Its so true that even fellow sufferers can come up with the most amazing comments!
I had just finished chemo (4 x TC) when I met a girl at a “Look Good, Feel Better” session. In conversation I said that I had been working thorughout the chemo (just going home early if tired etc). This was totally my choice, my employers have been great, and I did it for my mental health. She said
“would you not be afraid that the chemo won’t work if you haven’t given your body enough rest?” I was speechless.
I was on an American thread where a girl is talking about the pink ribbon stuff - I think in the USA they love bomb you with it when you get BC. She hates it all and says said “I’m fighting cancer, not advertising it!”. Another girls sister in law had the pink ribbon tatooed on her shoulder in (unrequested) solidarity!!!
When I was having chemo my mother in law said,well you always wanted straight glossy hair and now you can have it,why dont you pick a straight long haired red wig!!!..take a deep breath and count to ten I thought back then…I was fortunate and kept my hair due to the cold cap,and I never thought i would like my brillo pad mousey curls but I do now…people so dont know what to say and so try to say what we want to hear but dont they get it wrong so so often…we just feel like saying BOG OFF dont we,but what are we like eh…I reckon many of us just smile through gritted teeth and think,if only they really knew what its like…another one is…well its all behind you now…you can move on and get back to normal…aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh easier said than done as we know…D…x
I keep getting the move on and get back to normal speech. The worst one so far has been you are lucky, if you had got it 20 years ago you would be dead by now. Oh so that makes it alright then
Whilst talking to my neighbour over the fence he mentioned a charity fund raising event at the local pub he was involved with, asking what charity it was his answer well it’s a charity you will probably want to use soon, guess what it was the local hospice! Unthoughhful or what, I now refer to him as Mr Diplomat not !!!
My personal pet dislike is - I could not do what you do…
I Have to agree with the poster above - i couldn’t do what you do - really means, glad its you not me!! Alternative translation - you are meant to have this and it couldn’t happen to me.
I had another classic yesterday at a friends BBQ, I was talking to a lady there about cats and mentioned that I was diagnosed with BC on the wednesday and my precious little silver tabby was run over and killed on the friday, to which the hosts mother-in-law said “Well at least you got both out the way in the same week” - I am still fuming about it, especially as I didn’t retaliate as I didn’t want to cause a scene. I know I should just forget about it, but I can’t beleive that people can make these stupid, hurtful remarks.
Like most of you I’m sick of the don’t you look well/fantastic when what they really mean was I expected you to look rough.
I had a good one this week, someone asked me ‘So what have you been doing with all this time off from work then?’ I was so suprised by the question that I just said ‘Oh not much’ when what I should have said is Oh not much just recovering from surgery, undergoing treatment nothing major!! I know it wasn’t meant with any malice but I wish people would engage brain before mouth.