Hi There
I have not visited this forum in a long time and selfishly am now visiting in a time of need for me seeking some much needed advice.
My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006 and with secondaries in her lungs in 2007.At the beginning of this year she was admitted to the local hospice in order to have her pain relief assessed with the hope of being discharged when things were settled again. At the time of admission she had what we all thought was a chest infection however after numerous antibiotics this failed to clear and in fact got steadily worse. We were therefore advised that it was likely that her symptoms were due to a progression of her disease rather than anything else. She remains in the hospice today some 14 weeks later as her condition has steadily got worse. She is on 2 syringe drivers administering all her medication and is also on oxygen all the time. She has amazed doctors by surviving this long as her condition is really poor. She goes through times of being really poorly to periods of stability. At present she is sleeping more than she is awake which though hard to deal with is reassuring that she is not in pain.She also has MRSA into the bargain and a lot of open sores around her breast area which cause her a lot of pain.
My dilemma is whether or not to take time out of work. My employers have been supportinve to date and have granted me paid leave which I have now used. I am therefore faced with the decision of returning to work and not being able to spend a lot of time with mum or be signed off sick by me GP. I have been going over this in my head time and time again. I think work would be hard as all I can think about is mum. Has anyone else experienced this kind of situation? What would you advise. I realise that only I can make the decision but any kind of advice would be gratefully received.
Hi there - my Mum (and Dad, brother already lived there) moved to Gran Canaria in June 04, died June 05 from luekemia. She had chemo from the Xmas/Jan, so was in and out of hospital. I had to decide whether to stay there all the time or nip back and forth from England. (two young kids + job and hubby to consider)
I was torn between Mum, kids, hubby, job and me. I decided in the end that the one factor that wouldn’t be around in the future was my Mum, so decided to spend as much time with her as I could. Some of the time she was in hospital following the chemo, so I then flew home, but once she was home, I was there all the time.
If I was in your shoes, I would spend time with Mum, even if she is out of it. If work are understanding, take this as a sign that you don’t need to be there, but you do need to be with Mum. Get signed off for a fortnight and see what you think after then. Maybe you will go back to work for week, maybe you won’t.
Sorry if this isn’t a straightforward ‘YOU MUST DO THIS…’ reply, but, I honestly think you should concentrate on Mum, off for 2 weeks, then see how things are.
Feel free to PM me if you want, I don’t know all the answers, but I do know how confusing it can be trying to divide yourself!
Daisy xxx
Gut instict is to take the time off work. I spent the last 8 days with my mum when she was dying. It was difficult but it meant the world to me to be there. I was torn between my family - two young boys but i knew i did not have long with my mum. She may not of known i was there as she slept most of the time but i am convinced it was the right thing for me to do. The last week she slept alot but would have a few moments when she would say something that made sense. There is no right way and the hospice nurses often suggested i went home for a break (which i did) but by being there looking after her; i think it all helped in letting her go. Good luck
I have to agree with the others. When my Dad was dying 200 miles away from me, I would visit him 1 night mid week then again at the weekend, as time went on even this was not enough, and I struggled to continue my job effectively between visits.
I worked for a private school and my contract said I would not get paid, but my boss was brilliant and she saw to it that I did get paid. This freed me up to spend his last few days with him.
Yes he was asleep a lot of the time, but when he was lucid and awake we had quality chats and held hands and I def felt more at ease when he eventually died.
Good luck I hope you make the decision that is right for you.
Irene
Thank you all for the comments.
I am glad to say that I made the decision to stay off work and spend time with mum. It turned out to be the right decision as sadly she passed away on the 12th May only 2 weeks after I had went sick from work. It was one of the hardest times but also one of the best as I got time that not many others do. It is hard now adjusting to life without her but it brings comfort knowing that she is no longer in any pain.
Thanks
Anne Louise xxx
Just wanted to say I was sorry to hear about your mum, Anne Louise. I am glad though that you reached the right decision for you and had that precious time with her.
All the best Kay xx
Hi annelou,
Your Mum’s death just 2 weeks after you made the post here asking what to do just shows that you made the right decision - good that you did not delay it. She was obviously very loved by you and you must feel the loss. I hope you have many beautiful memories and the knowledge that you did right. Thank you for coming back and sharing that with us.
Dawn
xx
You most definately made the right choice. My mum died in similar circumstances, where she was drifting in and out of consciousness and at the time I had two small boys, one who was very ill and my mum lived 200 miles away. I made the decision to be with her until she died, spending 12 hours a day in the hospital, taking it in turns with my brother. My turn had just started when she suddenly died and I was so very grateful that I had been there with her at the end. You will now need lots of time to grieve for her and be very kind to yourself. There is no-one like a mother and you will never forget her but the horrible pain you feel now will soften in time.