what the heck is wrong with me!!!!!!

Friends and family Supporting someone with breast cancer
1

Hi everyone,

just finished all my treatment and find myself asking is this it?

Have 3 beautiful children, and not an easy partner!, Having said that he has been there for me, as he always is,

I carnt stand to be near anyone at the moment, and feel 100% ok when I am on my own, but when my oh and the kids, and anyone else for that matter is around, I feel angry, moody, and depressed, I carnt even stand to be in the same room half of the time,

I just feel as if I am doing the same old thing, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc,etc,

I know I should be so thankful, but I feel trapped and unhapppy,

please can someone tell me if they have experienced these feelings,

Liz xxx

2

“I just feel as if I am doing the same old thing, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc,etc”

Yeah, I had years of that; had to do everything at home, look after kids, feed my be-stroked mother every day and check MiL who had Alzheimer’s, too. Ex-OH used to work away a lot, leaving me to do everything and everybody. Didn’t know at the time that he had ‘trouser trouble’. Eventually he did one of his moonlight flits and didn’t come back that time. Long story, disappeared off face of earth cos he’d got latest squeeze pregnant and left me in terrible debt.

14 years on from that shock and still carrying some of that debt. Got great OH now and all parents dead but my body has been slowly caving in over the past 10 years. It’s been one serious diagnosis after another, BC is just the icing on the cake.

It sounds hard, but you MUST look after yourself. I didn’t and my body is now bu**ered.

Get thee to a counsellor - it’s free at Macmillan. I’ve thought about it for years - mother was a sociopath who made me very unhappy and ex was a bully but at £40 an hour, I couldn’t afford it.

Take care and get some help.

3

Hi Liz,
it sounds as if you are suffering from stress and depression - not surprising with everything that’s been thrown at you.

I think that the treadmill feeling can be fairly common in ‘normal’ life - just a mill of work, washing, cleaning etc. Add in all the bc c**p and it all becomes something more.
I would really advise you to see a counsellor and try to get a good break. I know the last is easier said than done with a family and other responsibilities, but it might save your sanity at the moment. Your body is telling you, you need some peace and quiet. You’ve tried to keep all the plates spinning while having treatment as well and you need a break.
It’s also fairly common to cope all the way through and then collapse at the end of active treatment - the short term goals have gone and the rug is pulled from under your feet.
Read this from a psychiatrist about the subject:

cancercounselling.org.uk/nor … &Count=500

Take care and hope you feel a bit better soon.

Stella xx

4

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5

PS. That link may not work without the end bit which is still black - don’t know why that happens.

If you can find ‘thought I would feel better’ thread under ‘After treatment has finished’ the link is on there in it’s entirety.
I copy it and it never copies properly - computers!!

cancercounselling.org.uk/northsouth/extra4.nsf/WebResHarvey?OpenView&ExpandAll&Count=500

It’s Dr Peter Harvey

6

What a thoughtful, consiidered post, xwelcomex - thank you!

I dress well, put on my make up and my best smile when I go out and get comments like " You’re looking so good… You’re so brave… You’re an inspiration…" But only my nearest and dearest know that I cry my heart out at home at times and even they have no idea how black my thoughts can get. The thing is, both of these people are the real me. Human beings are complex.

Like you, Liz, and others on this thread, life is not how I want it to be - it’s ok on the surface, but I feel deeply unsatisfied and want to change that. How and for what, I don’t know yet. I guess that is what makes this stage so difficult and it’s good that we are able to share with each other.

Lilac x

7

hi,

there is probably nothing wrong with you at all. There are such a range of emotions and reactions to things once treatment stops, it was such a huge event that there are bound to be after shock waves.

if there is free help to be had I would go along and get it. You probably feel that you do not need treatment as such, but the therapist is paid to sit there and listen to you rant and complain, and sometimes just having someone non judgmental to listen to you can realy help you sort yourself out and get things into perspective. and they are trained to spot if you do need some more help.

Or it might turn out that just ranting on here is good enough. I am sure there will be other people along to share their experiances of how they felt after treatment had ended.

In any case one big cyber hug from me to try and cheer you up.

8

hi ladies,

you know some of you have got the jist of it,

I now realise I had a boring, mundane, taken for granted, walked all over life, living to please everyone else and what they think and how they feel, one person in particualar,

well guess what? no more, I have had 2 primaries now, 1 in each breast, I havent gone through all that s**t just to pick up and carry on where I left off with my life before all of this happened

If I hadnt got my children, or they were older, I know at this point with how I am feeling I would walk, but on the other hand would I?

I know it carnt be easy for my oh but at the same time I dont need his problems too and trying to keep the peace etc,

I mean one e.g. he knows the problems I have been having with my body image since my mx, so what does he go and do? gets some weights and a bench and starts body building to “make himself look good”!!!I even paid for them for him for Fathers Day, I know he didnt do it deliberately to hurt me but is that me being over sensitive, or him just not thinking?

I dont know its just everything at the moment, but one thing I know for sure, somethings are going to change around here, me being one of them.

thanks ladies, as always you have all been a great help in sharing your thoughts and experiences,

love and best wishes to you all Liz xxx

n

9

Liz - after BC you can’t just pick up and ‘move forward’ on the same path you were on.

All our paths are now diverging. You CAN choose to change your life and make it better.

As my mantra from the hypo says,
“I am still the person I have always been.
I CAN become the person I have always wanted to be”

10

Hi Liz,

After bc I think for many of us things do not go back to normal but maybe to a “new normal” whatever that may be for each of us depending on where we were before it struck and how we feel after active treatment.

I was lucky (grade 1, stage 1) and that my divorce came through just before dx, unlucky in that I have gone through this on my own as a single mother, financially strapped and with endless body image issues as well as fear about what happens to my kids if the bc recurs.

My work - who are excellent - suggested to me some time ago that I may well need counselling when I got through the immediate crisis. While I don’t feel bad - and I am actually pleased that I haven’t had my ex OH around as he would have been “but what about me” during the whole thing - I still think that I will take up the offer of counselling as I feel that a period of “reflection” is called for and I know already that there are things in my life that I will do differently post bc (as well as fears and hangups I need to talk through with someone impartial).

I am no counsellor but it does sound as though you might benefit from having someone who goes through and supports you in a similar process of working out where now and what works for you. What will be your “new normal”? Maybe you can get that on here, but I am feeling that for me it would be useful too to have someone who is paid to listen, trained in how to respond and importantly, the counsellor I have picked has been recommended to me and had bc herself so I feel she understands “where I am at”

Be kind to yourself and don’t expect to leap straight back into things and certainly please try not to get pressured to be or feel something that you currently don’t xx

11

About 20 odd years ago I was hospitalised for around 3 weeks with recurring pleural effusions which needed drained every few days. I had tests for everything until eventually the tumour word was mentioned. Eventually I was operated on, biopsies taken and the pleural cavity cleared out. It was a harrowing time and my children were only 3 and 6. Eventually after about a month of hellish worry I got an all clear and was told that it was probably all caused by infection.

That was the point when I should have been jumping for joy but I went into a depression that took a couple of months to work through – no counselling then! Your post, Elizabeth, reminded me of that time. Hopefully you will also get through it.

12

It’s already been said above so I won’t repeat it, just wanted to send you a hug and best wishes, Liz. This cancer stuff really IS a complete ba***rd, isn’t it.

Here, have a hug or several.

CM
x

13

I have had these feelings too. When I was diagnosed Nov 2010 I just got on with it was brave didnot ask for help. At the end of active treatment in the june I felt just as you do now. It did not come easy but I decided to think of myself more in all areas of my life.I did less people pleasing and became alittle more assertive. Have just had LD flap reconstruction and this time have accepted any offers of help and told people how I am feeling. Made things so much easier for myself.I think you need to be really kind to yourself accept how you are feeling. I would accept any councelling or other offers of help for yourself. Also think of things you would like to do and do them.Thinking of you