Evie - that is what I feel - pain - sooooo very painful. I am also soooooo frightened of what the future holds and sometimes it really grips me, the fear…
x
I think going back to work for me has been yes i can do this!! and stops me thinking about what could happen as Im sort of back to normal!!
Evie i was like you during it a bit in denial and think i still am until i sit and think what last year was like, and then get scared for the future!
But going back has not been as bad as i thought, tired but ok!
love debs xxx
It’s a tricky balancing act, going back to work. We all know that BC and treatment effects us all differently, so one person’s experience will be very different from another’s. I do think it’s good for you to get back to as normal a life as possible, if you can - the longer you hold off, the higher the mountain seems to grow. But if your managers and colleagues aren’t going to be understanding, it can be awful.
I was very fortunate as my boss was very hot on the issues - under the Disability Discrimination Act they have to make “reasonable adjustments” so check out with your human resources dept if you have one.
It’s only been in the last 3 months that I’ve felt settled and content after everything and got used to my new version of normal and I was diagnosed in July 07. Tried to return to work in Aug 08 but too much for me, signed off sick, applied for retirement and was medically retired in Feb 09 (it was a saga). I felt a failure and guilty about not working and being retired at a young age but have realised that this was part of the illusion that I could return to my old normal life and once I accepted that was unrealistic and things would never and could never be the same again, for me at least, I’ve been much better.
I’ve been very fortunate in that all the consultants and nurses treating me have been very understanding and always told me that the emotional impact at later dates is vastly underestimated. It’s like post traumatic stress. Don’t be too hard on yourselves or expect instant miracles. You can’t just finish chemo, rads etc and expect a switch to be flicked and suddenly all will be back to ‘normal’.
Have a look at the thread about cancer patients being neglected a sit links with this one.
Personally, I think you just have to accept that you will have a new ‘normal’ after any stage of bc diagnosis and treatment but the actual acceptance may be a long time in coming - mine’s been 2.5 yrs !!
Good luck and peace to you all, Liz
thank you and god bless you liz that is a wonderful insight, rachel xxxx
Hello again
we are all so different aren’t we, but also, we feel different at different points in our lives.
First time I had bc I went back to work and struggled, like Lizcat, I would say a good couple of years, but I was 38 and in the middle of a nice life, bringing kids up, doing my thing at work…
this time I’m 51, I’ve brought up my kids, cared for my parents as they ailed and died, carved out a successful career, but now, I see it and it just scares me - I know that I couldn’t do it.
I know it sounds melodramatic, but my job feels so complex and stressful with 2 hours commute daily, and I know myself, I end up picking all sorts up because I think it needs doing (I am a social care/nhs manager) and I would get sucked in to the overwork culture straight away (I did last time) and I feel as though I can’t afford to do that any more.
Saying that, I have enjoyed working over the past years and I’m glad I went back when I did.
I sound very confused - I must be ! lol
love to everyone
monica x
That’s the thing isn’t it how do you moderate the amount of work. I’m self employed researcher/project manager so anyone I take on a contract for is not going to be interested if I’m suffering from fatigue or want to do reduced hours - they want the piece of work done to the deadline.
After I had my gynae/bowel op in 2007 the charity I’d recently finished a contract with wanted me to do some work I could do entirely at home. They were very understanding about my surgery etc but as soon as I started the work it all changed. They didn’t get their act together, kept changing their minds about what they wanted etc. What I had planned as 3 days work a week changed to 6 days a week. I was completely exhausted.
Don’t you think that part of the problem is looking well? My mum said that to me today. I’ve lost a lot of weight and I certainly look better than I did before diagnosis even though I feel crap most of the time.
Elinda x
Elinda
Yes, looking well and sounding well! I spoke to my boss last week and he said “you sound really good, when are you coming back, got loads here for you to do”. Haven’t even started my rads yet and now feel under pressure to get back! I was aiming to get back Easter time (reduced days/hours) but his comments have made things so much worse. Perhaps I should sound sad and not bother with my appearance and look ill. If he know I felt like this, he would be mortified, because he is a very caring and very supportive. I will be meeting him and HR towards end of Jan to discuss return to work and I really feel like giving them some home truths about BC!
Jayney, I have been lucky, I have been off since last May and had no pressure from my boss, I was hoping to return on a phased basis this month but I was at the hospital today and I now have to get an ultrasound on a lump on my neck, so I called him today and he was really ok about it all, as he says no point in going back just to go off again!!!
dont feel under pressure, work will always be there
take care
Carol xx
Hi Jayney, Did you tell your boss that you still had to have radiotherapy? He may not know much about cancer treatments so you will need to explain this to HR. But please do not feel you need to rush back to work. Although rads are not as awful as chemo ( that is only my opinion) it still takes it out of you and even when treatment finishes it takes time to regain your full strength. Perhaps your boss was just trying to convey that they still need you…but be kind to yourself by making sure YOU are ready to return to work.
I often get told that I “look well… and you would never know that you were ill” but they do not see me on the days I do not venture out at all and when I am feeling crap. Also when I do make plans to go out it takes me ages to get ready and I need to make sure I have rested first. Also the day after going out and enjoying myself I find that I need time to recover. Perhaps we should go out dishevelled and looking really crap then people may understand what it is really like coping with cancer treatments…I think not. Love Val
Hi again,
Rachel - thanks for your sweet message.
Monica - I liked what you said about work being frightening second time round as that is just what it felt like for me. Most of my colleagues were lovely but with the best will in the world it would soon be forgotten that I’d been off for such a long time and had major issues of my own to cope with - after all life goes on while you’re being treated doesn’t it? One of the side effects I found and still ‘suffer’ with is that I can’t cope with lots of noise, activity and people near me - it seems to overload my brain and I feel I have to escape. I was in a customer facing role with a lot of pressure and couldn’t manage that !!
Jayney - what I did before I tried to go back to work was to write down a list of the treatment I’d had along with its side effects and the impact it was having on me in terms of what I could and couldn’t do. That was kept on my personnel file but I sent it in again when I applied for retirement. I think it helped on a number of levels - firstly so I had faced what I’d been through (and ongoing as I have bone mets), secondly so others could see what had happened and thirdly so there was something on paper to support me! My old boss at the time I was diagnosed read it as did a very close friend and they were both shocked seeing it all on paper even though they’d seen me on good and bad days. When I showed it to a couple of managers at work, I could see their faces changing as they went down it all and they both said they had no idea I’d been through it all as I’d been ok when I’d popped into the office and looked really well and never said anything !
Generally I also think that when I did get retirement I felt like I’d lost my identity and sense of purpose by not being at work. With not having kids, work was to a large extent my ‘social’ life and where I met and helped people so once that was gone, what do I do to replace it?? A friend showed me a newspaper article a while ago that was talking about people losing their identities etc when they’re made redundant and thought some of the people’s emotions were the same as mine albeit through different circumstances and she was 100% right. Anyway, now I’ve come through all that, have helped my OH with some DIY jobs that have been strangely satisfying and am very content with my new life.
No-one can go through the bc experience and be the same as before - to be told you have cancer (of any form) is one of the things people fear most in life I reckon.
Liz
This is a very interesting thread and I hope you don’t mind me joining in.
I was diagnosed in August aged 58 (now 59) and had a lumpectomy and then rads which finished on 24 November. I did a phased return to work two weeks later on 8 December. With hindsight (wonderful thing) this was too soon. I should have waited until after Christmas/New Year. I very much felt like I couldn’t cope, even though I only work part time. I was in tears on a few occasions. I’m sure the extra stress of Christmas didn’t help. Its only now after 5 weeks that I feel more like my old self, although I definitely have to pace myself. Colleagues were kind but cannot understand just how exhausting it can feel. Although several were concerned because apparently I DID look poorly. I reach state pension age in March 2011 and wonder if I will be able to work beyond then or just have to retire. 
So ladies we have been through a shocking experience both physically and mentally and we deserve where possible to put ourselves first.
Chris
Talking about looking well has reminded me of what a fabulous friend told me a few months ago bearing in mind she is a clinical nurse specialist in female cancer -
she has had employers ring her to confirm that their employee has actually got breast cancer as they looked so well. It sounds outrageous but she says that is the effects of breast cancer - you look well, you put on weight (well the majority do)and you cope (but thats down to being female lol)
nevertheless, we know the truth and good days are to be relished and the bad days to be slept thru. love to all xxxxx
Hi everyone
I’m having a bit of a bad one today. Waiting for a bone scan on 1st February to check why I’m having a lot of pain in my ribs. Also, had sharp pains in my ‘bad’ boob last night - to the extent that it felt as though the wound had opened up (it hadn’t) some seven months after my surgery. Am really hoping the pain is due to rads, but am also very scared that it means the cancer has spread into my bones. Feel sick even typing that.
Today is the 20 year anniversary of mum dying of cancer, and although usually I find this day a little bit hard to deal with, today has been very, very hard. I think I am aware of my own mortality now and worry so much about leaving my beautiful baby boy without his mummy.
Also, I’m stuck in a hotel in Glasgow due to work commitments so I guess being away from home isn’t helping.
Sorry, that’s my moan over. I’ve got a blooming cheek when there are so many people on this forum far worse off than me.
Love and strength to you all
Shenagh xxx
Shenagh,
Big hugs
(((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))
Sorry to hear you are down and stuck away from home too.
Its a real bad day to be alone,and its totally understandable that its affecting you so much more this year.
I am up and down at the moment too,it takes a long time for it to settle down.
Hope you can relax a bit and get some sleep,
Love
dot
xxx
Shenagh,sorry you are having a bad day,if it is any help,I had surgery last February and rads in May and up until a couple of months ago was still getting severe shooting pains in my boob and rib pain too,was told it was rads damage and it seems to have passed now. Hit the mini bar and make yourself a nice hot toddy and that should help you sleep,big hugs.
Sandra x
Hi Shenagh, I am sorry you are having a tough time of it just now…but it may all be nothing and having the scan will determine what the problem is…if any. I have a feeling that it is just the results of rads as I have heard a few people with similar problems. I am sorry too that it is the anniversary of your Mum’s death.It is all just too much for you and you are away from home. Have you been to see the surgeon at the WGH yet? I sent you a PM today. We are here for you and I am sending more hugs your way.
Dotchas, so sorry you are still feeling low. Yet you are still able to give others a lot of love and support. You do it quietly Dotchas but I see it often. So huge hugs coming your way too. Love Val
Oh Shenagh, sorry you are having a crap time of it - lots on your mind,and away from home as well, away from you little one.
I hope you can get some rest tonight.
Its so scary, having more scans and I hope that you get good results, and quickly. (My bcn chased up the results of my bone scan a few weeks ago and told me it was fine with 2 days - have you got a good bcn?)
I think the nightcap idea is a good one, just to get some rest
take care of yourself
lots of love and hugs
monica xx
I have been reading through all the posts on this subject. I finished treatment 18 months ago. I am touchy, hypersensitive, moody, up in the clouds one day down in the midden the next. Have friends and family but feel lonely.Lost two dear friends to secondaries this year Two baby grandchildren moved abroad . Just had new grandson last WED, feel scared to get to close, to him. I constantly feel I am always being kicked in the teeth, two steps forward one back. Very forgetful . I could go on, is it me or post BC , Tamoxifen???
Had 2nd post op Mamm today , bit jittery. OH is losing patience with me. How the hell do you break free from this vicious circle. Have joined various courses, have plenty of hobbies, What is the matter with me?? I feel I have developed a personality disorder.
Bobbie
Hi Bobbie,
Congrats on the new grandson.I guess the changes that are going on around you ,family moving away,new baby etc are making you aware that nothing stays the same and that is very unsettling.
And on top of that you have had a mammogram,I don’t think any of us go for those without getting very anxious.When do you get the results?
Be kind to yourself,give that grandson a great big hug!
Hopefully once the mammo results are back you can move on a bit …until next years follow up!
Love n hugs to you
Dot
xxx