Can I join you wobbly ladies?
I was originally diag July 2008 ,had Mx and immed recon then just Tamoxifen.Suffered depression and back to work Jan 2009.Another lump was found July 2009 so WLE and Rads.
I finished rads at the end of October.Due to a virus my return to work was delayed till 11 Jan.
I was doing OK over Christmas and even Hogmanay but now I just feel a huge weight on my shoulders.
I had 2 orthopaedic operations 2006 and 2007 which required a few months off work each time.So each year since 2006 I have been hit with health problems and I am just so scared what 2010 will bring.I can’t imagine a whole year illness free!
I am also scared of going back to work,as I have had so much time off.(20 months off out of 36)
I have also realised that I am comfort eating and comfort shopping (on internet as I can’t be bothered to go out)
Whenever I think about going back to work I feel like crying.
Mimsy I can relate to throwing away clothes worn to “bad news” appts.
I am luck in that my OH is very understanding but I so want to be better for him as all this has been sh*t for him too.
The treatment is one thing but the post treatment “fallout” can be much harder.
Shall we have a big group hug?
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Dot
xxx
Just phoned for GP appt,re return to work and maybe up my ADs
In the words of Tears for Fears
“Shout, shout, let it all out”!
and ((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))) from me too
one day we will feel good again - in my ‘gap’ years (between diagnoses) I have trekked in the Himalayas and Cuba, made loads of new friends and had lots of little hols with my girlfriends, as well as great times with my own family, bringing up the kids and career taking off.
It does come back, and it can be better, but it takes time and being kind to yourself, and I think being able to share it is a huge help.
Love all round
monica xxx
Hi all second time i will have written this as last post vanished into cyber space. Just wanted to say a very big thankyou your comments have made a big difference to me.Maybe we deserve some time to be miserable if thats how we feel. I am a little tired of keeping my chin up and being cheerfull.However I am I think starting to shake off that black cloud. I havn’t blubbered for ages.I know that the saddness and panic will return again and again. It certainly dose not give me comfort to know that some of you also have this, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But it helps to know that I am not alone.
thanks again take care kittyx
Hi Kitty, I find as time goes by things seem to get more “normal” again. There was a time when I felt so awful and distressed that I never though I would EVER feel like this again. I am jogging along fine and am enjoying life again. I can remember how bad it was for me at the time…but I almost feel “content” now. I have had bone mets for 10 years and just feel so glad to be alive and to be able to live my “new normal” again. I hope you will get to this point yourself some day…it just takes time…and I think it is “par for the course” to go through all the emotions you expressed so well. Take care. Wishing yu well, love Val
Hi All
I don’t know if any of you caught the news on radio 2 the other day -specialists in cancer are finally realising that there are huge repercussions from the treatement and not just from the cancer! That many people go on to be cancer free for a long period of time(and for ever) but end up with debilitating probs beacuse of the chemo rads and other therapies! AT LAST!!!
I’m having a relatively up day today don’t know why - may be because of the snow and the fact that i have a warm house full of activity and its freezing out side.
I have had days when leaving my bed was not an option apart from that I had to because of the school run. There is nothing like routine to make you get up and go when its the last thing you want to do.
Kitty you do not sond like a whining attention seeking girl - you have real concerns and real feelings which you can only articulate in one way! So please don’t feel guilty.
Sue- evie - I can really sympathise with you about patience with patients! i am worried that the next time Mrs P come in and moans about her type 2 diabetes and how she has had to change her life around ( I have always been sympathetic and supportive in the past)I might just say its diabetes not cancer get a life!!!
No, I think the time is not right for me to go back yet is it? lol!
Off to dosome sewing before going out for a drink to celebrate my dads 82nd birthday. xxxxxxkeep strong girls xxxxxxxx
Rach i have my sickness interview tomorrow and i know they mentioned last time we would discuss returning in january. I am not ready yet and signed off till feb 14th so no prob there but it is coming round fast. Think i may go and do a few shifts with my mate who trained me to see if i can handle it without being the midwife in charge…just not sure how i feel. Def not as raw and emotional as last month so thats a good thing!
Any hoo. Damn snow is hideous and hindering my social life so now watching Jungle book with the girls. Love it.
Take care all
S
X
Hi to all
I hope you won’t mind me joining your thread…
I finished my treatment on 18 December. I’m still feeling so incredibly tired. Yesterday all I did was clean the bathroom and kitchen and I had to sleep for an hour afterwards.
I started my treatment on 4 March last year: 4 chemo, double mastectomy and one side lymph node clearance, further surgery as wound reopened, further 4 chemo and then rads. I had a very rough time on chemo with neutropenic sepsis etc.
Is how I’m feeling normal?
I became self employed in 2006 after being in paid employment for almost 25 years and only a handful of days over all those years off sick. My timing was terrible as I then had to a major gynae/bowel op and was off work for 6 months and now all this.
I’m getting ESA (employment support allowance) but that will run out in February without an assessment. I don’t feel anywhere near ready for work yet - I truly wish I was. Being self employed I can’t do a staged return so I either take on a contract and fulfil it or I don’t.
I’m not sure what to do to be honest. I need the ESA money but the thought of being assessed by someone unsympathetic makes me feel like crying.
How long have others had off work after finishing? Did anyone suddenly pick up or was it very gradual? Be really interested to know more of others’ experiences.
best wishes
Elinda x
hi Elinda, sorry to hear you have had such an awful time, its not easy.
I was supposed to return to work this month on a phased basis but doctor signed me off for another 4 weeks as I have a lump in my neck needing checked out, I have been off since last May, I had to complete a form for ESA yesterday, bloody nightmare
I know what you mean by going for assessment, the thought of it really scares me too, hopefully I will be signed off fit to return to work by then!!!
take care
love
Carol xxx
Venting on here because its the only place I can! I am now halfway through the mother in laws Christmas/New Year visit. Three weeks to go, and if there was any way to send her back earlier I would, but my ingenuity has run out, and I just have to suck it up and make the best of it as to upset her now will mean another poisoned three weeks that I cant take!
I am longing to get on with the New Year but it seems as if we are stuck in a perpetual Christmas (Sounds like Narnia!). For me to say anything to her would prove how “selfish and immature” I am. Can you be immature at the age of fifty something?
A guest, any guest requires entertaining and disrupts your home life. Surely if you give consideration at any time, its when someone is recovering from cancer treatment. I have also had another bout of lymphoedema and the stress doesnt help it!
I am at my wits end, but must stay polite until the end of January.Thanks for listening,
Mimsy
Dear Elinda,
Given what youve been through, Im not surprised you dont feel up to returning to work. I can only say that if you do have an assessment, I hope you get somebody who is sympathetic. You obviously have an exemplary work record, and time to get better is not unreasonable! I will wish good wishes for you, look after yourself,
Love,
Mimsy
hope you dont mind me jumping in here, i was so against filling in the esa forms thought i would be back at work by now, nayway phoned up and they told me if nothing showing over 16 thousand in savings account, then just need to fill in one form. did so and 4 days later money in my bank account
hope you can sorted,best advise i got from bc nurse was from now on you are number one in your household, its not selfsih just a survival and healing mechanism.
take care xx
I had my sickness interview today and we have agreed for me to return on 14th feb! Am bloody terrified! It will be a phased return, one night a week but i cant even remember to turn the dinner off let alone deliver a baby!! Physically tho i am ok and i guess i felt a bit bad saying that my head wasnt quite right yet! My manager is great with physcial probs but not mentasl ones.
Hoping another month will help and if not i can always get gp to extend!I guess i finished chemo 3.5mths ago now and rads 6wks ago…time flies!
Hi evie, I hope you will be okay to start work on St Valentine’s day but if not please don’t force yourself. You are sensible enough I am sure but be kind to yourself and if you don’t think the time is right when Feb comes around have some more time off to recover and build your strength up. You have been through a lot and it does take time to recover properly. Love Val
Hi evie, ive just gone back to teaching full time, did phased return last term whilst having rads!! but only did 3 hrs a week at first!!
i was terrified first day with children all alone this week!! But it was fine and in some ways doesnt feel like Ive been away!! Although i have touched base a few times during it all!!
Anyway feel very tired now but feel i can cope all in the process of feeling like me again!! Just lots of early nights,wish i slept better though
love Debs xxx
Elinda - what an awful time you have had and I am sure that after all that has happened the assessment should go your way. I hope that the process is easy.
Sue-evie - confidence crisis! I think you should be mentored for the first few shifts and certainly not incharge - although knowing the NHS as I do they will be loath to pay out anymore to facilitate that for you. I will be thibking of you. I think I may go back in March but i want easter off to take the girls somewhere warm and my boss wont be keen to let me go on hols when I will be needed to cover for everyone else that has not holidayed because I was off- how greedy am I!
Mimsy - OMG the in law crisis! You sound just like me with the FIL/MIL- I can’t say what i feel and neither can my fab man - th eon time he did the rift and pressure they applied was horrendous. It doesn’t help that they like to follow you about the house and pick arguements that you are not allowed to rise to according to their culture!
Still tired and sleeping babdly but some times my brain feels good - I do have agreat deal of pain tho’ - the myaglia from the taxotere is still hanging round and i also have joint pain. Anyone else having that? i am seeing my ONC on the 25th so will ask him.
Also I now have eyelashes but they are colourless - should I get them dyed like i did before all this BC cr*pola?
hugs girl s ((((((((((((_)))))))))))))))
I am posting this on behalf of yellow
Reported by yellow on 05 Jan 2010 13:16
Hi Please do not feel bad about being depressed. You are only 27 (same age as my daughter). Women of your age should not have this disease, bloodly unfair and very unlucky for you. I was diagnosed at 55 (18 months ago) and I rant and moan nearly every day.
Hi yellow and welcome hello to all the girls on here.
I have decided after watching good old Gok wan on TV to take some of his advice and throw out all my scuddy undies and buy fresh pretty knickers and bras. i am not going to spend a fortune on these mastectomy products as my last experience was the biggest waste of dosh and a bra I feel very odd in because it isn’t wired and i have always worn a wired bra - so that can go to the charity shop in the box i bought it in - any one want a non wired 34 DD amoena in champagne pink let me know pm me and i’ll post it to you FOC.
i also want some pretty tops, fleecy tops and funky boots - that coupled with dyeing my eyelashes black will make me feel a little better if only for a while.
toodles ladies xxxxxxx
Hello everyone
Elinda, you really need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time - once you’re back at work, you’re there and its hard for people to give you the flexibility you need. Truffle’s advice re ESA sounds really helpful.
Evie, I hope it goes OK next month, but remember, if its not doable when you come down to it, you have other options, I hope you also will be kind to yourself, you are amazing going back so soon with those little ones too
Mummytumbles - I did the Gok thing just before chemo started and my gorgeous undies are feeling the squeeze (didn’t realise about the weight gain thing!)I am aiming to lose the weight and fit them more comfortably, hope thats not a forlorn hope! lol
Feels like things are moving on, but I haven’t started rads or AIs yet - working on the basis that I’ll be OK (- got it wrong for chemo, but you can’t be wrong ALL the time and I was fine with mx, anc and tamox).
I guess its the new year and finishing chemo making me feel positive - not going to knock that!
love to all
monica x
Daisyleaf Mum was horrified i was going back!She threw a bit of a strop about it!It will only be 1 night a week for about 6wks to start with so not too bad! I dont want to go back but if i wait till i am ready i cant see that ever happening!!
I do really want to see another baby born and cant see there is anything else for me! Love being a midwife! I dont feel back to normal but cant see sitting and waiting for something bad to happen is particularily pro active! I think my denial has set in again as i just want to forget the last year ever happened…I find thinking about it just too painful.
Love to all on here as usual
S