When your backs against the wall

Feeling very reflective and wanted to express my feelings with people who I think will understand so please forgive my rambling
Today is number, 10 of 15. Only another week to go. Not sure if it’s because I have had time to reflect whilst waiting to be called for treatment or if my constant state of panic has started to subside but I suddenly start to realise that the last 4 months have shown me who really cares about me and that I need to start putting myself first.
I have been so hurt by some close family members who have shown me their true colours. No contact no support just radio silence,I have beaten myself up as to why they have been like this when I have always been there for them sometimes to the detriment of my own health and even my relationship with my husband. On the other hand I have been totally blown away by my sisters who have been with me every step of the way run me to the hospital, picked up medication when I couldn’t drive, listened to me rant and passed me the tissues when I needed them. I have discovered that I have some amazing friends who again have been there, held my hand and reassured me everything will be OK never doubting that I could beat this.
I now know that this is not a dress rehearsal you have one life and you need to live it to the full. I spent over 10 years commuting every week from Liverpool to London to do a job that towards the end I hated I won’t get those years back but I can make sure I spend the next 10 years doing things I want to do. So whilst I wouldn’t wish the last 4 months on anyone it has been an education for me. All those things I have put off are being done all those places I want to see will be visited and all those friends and family who have loved and supported me will be cherished even more because when your back is against the wall your true family and friends really are there

Dear Mcnulcc


Thank you for that very moving passage. Yes, you do indeed need to put yourself first. I am so glad your sisters have been so supportive and understanding; that has clearly made a great difference. It is so ufortunate that other members of your family have kept a silence; do not blame yourself for that, it is their choice and only they can explain their behaviour. Or perhaps they can’t; perhaps they don’t really understand themselves. It is, in any case, their loss that they have cut you off.


Next Friday you will be ready to ring the bell (assuming your radiotherapy department has a bell). Then you will be on your way, to all those places you have yet to see, to enjoy the company of the people in your life who matter, and to make new friends.


The very best of everything to you.

Mcnulcc Chris, how true your words are. But first congratulations on your 10th session, i remembervonly too well saying to you 3 down etc when you first started. Weve had a few giggles along the way with various things lol. But my heart goes out to you where family and friends are concerned.

I too found it astounding that all of a sudden my phone was silent, and my family, i have 2 sisters, and brother nieces sister in law brother in law etc plenty of them, all suddenly didnt care wtf??. 

Anyway all i can say to your braveheart is you have come though this 4 months amazing, your strong and caring of others and perhaps those people who have shunned you, well they werent worth having in the first place. One day in life it may happen to them, and then they will realise what a lonely lonely path it is.


But can i say for all your sadness and panics over your health, i give wholehearted thanks for the time you have taken every single morning on my way to treatment to message me and support me and jolly me on, when you knew id be sat there on my own.


So you go see those places, do those things and when you ring that bell ring out all those people who let you down…and go forward the lovely kind caring lady that you are…big love and hugs xxxxxxx



What an amazing post, yes reflective however very positive for the future, this diagnosis really does make you take stock of what, and who, is important to you.


I think one of the things I took away from my experience was how wonderful my family and friends were so I have been very lucky in that respect, but also I am very grateful for the wonderful friends I have made from being on this forum, whom without having gone through this I would never have met and can honestly say my life is richer for having them in it.


Helena xxx

Ladies thank you for your comments. I have come across so many supportive people on this site that has certainly helped me with my journey. Lucaboo Sue you have kept me going it has been a pleasure to speak each morning, we have been able to laugh, thank goodness we have been able to retain our sense of humour. No Harry Potter today or Mr Hot I’m afraid. This time next week I will be ringing that bell but I have no doubt that I will be back to speak to the many friends I have made here as we continue our journey. Sue have a good weekend speak Monday Chris xx



Your post really struck a chord, although I’ve been lucky in the support I’ve had, I’ve discovered people I hardly knew (originally) have been absolute gems and so supportive, whilst older friends are noticeable by their silence. It’s been wheat from the chaff ! - sad but true.


It’s been 4 months of hard life learning for me too, and today I was thinking of things I’d like to do…and after reading what you’ve said, I’m determined to do them, for me.

I’ve spent many years of not doing things I’d like to do, but instead following other’s wishes, time to change that I think, at 64 !! 


I think we have earned the privilege, us all in here…


Lucaboo, nice to see your posts, hope the sessions are getting easier for you. No breathlessness I hope…

Let’s all get through these last zapping days and out the other side.


Take care, all - have a good weekend.






Hi Chris. 3 weeks ago you were asking all the questions on rads and I remember replying with my advice and now here you are with just 5 to go and ringing that bell and that’s emotional also. You will feel like you want to ring and run but at the same time turn back to security so to speak. So little bit of advice on next stage but of course only my experience. The next 10/14 days after rads have finished the changes seem to happen almost like a 25/30 day build up. Double the cream application and come down on your ribs and right round your back as I suddenly started going red in these places afterwards. Not sure what your treatment has been prior but try and keep under the boob on the crease line and just below dry no cream. This is where it tends to break down a little. If like me you will turn a lovely sludgy brown that looks like you have never washed! If skin does break down ring rads team and they will advise. Mine wasn’t to bad and soon healed once I stopped the cream. Keep up the fluids. Keep walking and beat the fatigue. After the 14 days all calms down, get the odd twinge and of course we all think it’s back again. I know we are all very different but it was at this point I got off that roller coaster and hit a bit of a brick wall. I am now 5 weeks post rads and just about feeling like me again however it has took apart of me that I feel hasn’t come back yet but hopefully it will do in time. It’s the check up with you oncologist that gets you back on the road, well it was with me. I still had the fear he was going to be giving me more bad news, he didn’t he said all gone well I will be fine now go and live you life. I then said can I give you a hug so me him and the nurse had a group hug and I was on my way and on the annual screening programme. I hope my experience and little bit of advice helps and the next three weeks are kind to you physicallly and mentally and you can semi prep and think when and if something happens you can think oh yes I remember gill saying that. It is/has been one hell of a journey and back 5 month ago there was no way I would get to this point and here I am. And the best advice which is given in here with your very first post and response and to this day still stands “take one day at a time” cherish the good and kick the bad up the ass and tell them to do one!! Take care and ring that bell loud but watch the rope lol it’s not that secure!!

Gill, everything you wrote could have been written by me!!
I have no more to add.
You have read my mind and put it in to your own words.

Much love x

Hi Paulus. To help the crease line ( this is where is went down to the top of my rib), keep dry no cream and place a cotton hankie between your bra and skin so a bit of air can get their. It will soon recover with lovely pink new skin.

Lilacmoon. I remember we finished rads at the same time and seems you were similar to myself but I am getting there now. I think it’s at this point you almost seem to reflect and realise what you have actually been through. Still have the odd blip but am wearing my breast cancer survivor pin with pride. We will get there I am sure. And if I can help just one person with a tiny bit of advise then I am doing good. Have a lovely Sunday

Paulus just thought of your nipple lol. Mine is still very tender and the dryness will go and if like me your nipple will have a halo ? lol. Brown dot, pink halo and brown halo, lovely but it’s fine I don’t walk around in public naked! I should be a model for aveeno as worked for me from day one and get through a tube a week almost. It’s on offer at the min in body care so stocked up yesterday. I also use bio oil on my scars and that to is looking pretty good I fact almost can’t see either scar. As for my boobs well I have one that looks like it did when I was 21 and the other is 63 lol. But that’s fine to.

Gill3105. Thank you so much for your support and advice. I have begun to notice a red patch on my outer back and have slapped cream on since I saw it. I will take on board your advice about the next few weeks and will no doubt be back here looking for more advice and reassurance in the days to come. I am so grateful that I found this site and am so very grateful for the support everyone has given me. Friday can’t come quick enough and then as the well known advert says the futures bright (although my poor boob is still blue.) xx

Hi Chris. My boob is still blue from 10/04 surgery but can live with it. The classic saying “you will be fine “. Oh how I wanted to hit people that did that but they meant well. And you will be fine and if not come on here s you have done and I still do as it helps. Take care