Jane. Between a rock and a hard place, as they say! I hope you can get through all this until you feel stronger and the times you feel better just get more often. Good to hear you had the afternoon off to recharge your batteries for tomorrow.
Have I been kind to myself today? I bought myself some new make-up for the new look me!! Much prefer to be kind to someone else - I like that better.
Emmy hope you go on OK tomorrow with the Herceptin and can take your mind off it with chatting or a book or something while you‘re there. That’ll be another one to strike off! Big hug. Will be thinking of you. I have to go about the wrist Friday, urgh!
Doz. Hope you can conserve your energy until next week and aren‘t meeting yourself coming back this week. Sounds as though you’re really busy but really rewarding for you. Just keep thinking of the days off! Big hug for a good nights sleep.
Ami xx
Doz - I’ve no idea how you do it!! Neuro often seems so sad to me, and how you do those long shifts I will never know - couldn’t do those PRE-BC !! Enjoy the annual leave next week… I’ve got some too. It was “time owing” from last week that I took yesterday… but I’m lucky to be able to, you’re right. When I was typing this, I made a mistake and left the ‘f’ out of shifts!!!
It IS nicer/?easier to do something kind for someone else than for oursleves (replace our for me)… but I think that’s possibly the challenge/learning in this part of the journey…
So… what are flutterbys doing TODAY to be kind to wobbly wings??? How’s the new look coming Ami?
Hi Flutterbys
I.ve decided its now time that I started doing nice things for myself for my whole week off 
A truly selfish week!!!
I have spent as far back as I can remember doing “nice” things for everyone around me… be it work family or just simple things like opening doors for someone!!
Next week its me me me an absolute must in the bigger picture of repair after all the trauma and trials of the last year!!
I have sorted Daniels flights home out after spending 5 attempts to pay for his ticket on the internet I finally spoke to a real person and it went through straight away…bring back the good old days when we actually communicated with another human being!!!
I hope your feeling ok Em after your H day… and those veins didnt go into AAAARGH mode! Have yourself a ME day too sweetie, and be kind to yourself xxxxx
Well it should have been a day off 
BUT I have to attend a general ward meeting (8 per year) this one is a must as its to enable us to deal with complaints in general… and believe me this race of ours does plenty of that… so sad in the greater scheme of Nursing!
Hope the wrist is behaving Ami, is your armour due off soon?
Love to my flutterby friends hugs winging their way to you…
Janice where art thou my lovely? Hope your well…
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxhugsxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Doz and the rest of you lovely ladies. I am doing ok just feeling quite tired lately and had another urine infection so just recovering from that.I have just read through all your posts so feel as if I am now up to date with everyone.So nice to hear Daniel is coming home in March not long to wait seeing as we are halfway through January already.Doz enjoy your week and relax you deserve it you do a stressful job.I am glad I don’t have to go to work anymore as I haven’t got the confidence to do what I did and it would really stress me out now.Don’t know if its an age thing.Hope you are all doing okay and that you all take some time out for yourselves and enjoy your P.J moments. Hope the wrist is getting better Ami. Emmy I do hope thurs wasn’t too bad.G.IJane good you took some time for yourself everyone needs some me time. Hugs to you all Janice xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Flutterby (Janice)
I was on the verge of sending a search party out for you ha ha!!
Glad your ok and getting over yet another set back bless you xx
Cathetars are such a good thing on the one hand but as with most things have their bad points… UTI’s being the worst sadly!(Get some Cranberry juice in the fridge
Yes i’m soooo looking forward to March, I cant begin to describe how much i’ve missed him, tho he tells me to stop being daft typical comment, its been such a worry even tho I know he’s ok and just working hard… I probably only saw him once a week when he was home and possibly longer when he has a woman in his life as they do!!
But its different…Sigh!!!
I can empathize on the tiredness, still not sleeping well and have been quite low in mood lately so i’m now contemplating (after a lot of thought)dropping my hours and not giving in when i’m asked if I can do an extra shift!! I still think the BC is at the back of it all as I never used to be so into having a PJ day or sitting in front of the tv and watching things just for the sake of not moving… What a difference a year has made sweetie
Oh well I guess age comes into it as well so wont go on about that!!! I’ll NEVER be old ha ha!!!
Just winding myself down for my last shift tomorrow before a very well needed Me week
Hope everyones well and still in good health
Hope your tummy’s behaving Em and your behaving yourself flutterby
Hugs to you all xxxxxxxhugxxxxxxx
Hi Doz I can empathise with the low mood as I have felt quite down and don’t think that has helped my recovery.finished with catheters now thank goodness and hope not to have to go through that again.I slept right through last night first time for ages and got up this morning feeling better than I have done for ages so hope it continues.Have got my eldest grandson Josh today he’s 12 and the love of my life he is just gorgeous and still gives me hugs so its lovely.I hope you enjoy your r and r next week indulge yourself and do whatever you want to do.
Hello to all you other lovely ladies hope its not to chilly where you are we had a horrendous frost this morning but the sun is shining and I am off for a walk along the promenade as haven’t been out much lately and fresh air will give me rosy cheeks(I hope) hugs to you all Janice xxxxxxp.s promise I will keep in touch don’t want search parties looking for me ha ha xxx
Hello lovely ladies,
I’m ‘almost’ starting to recognise parts of the old me. On planning my phased return I was a bit disappointed to be told I had to work 2 full days for the first two weeks. Not scared of hard work, just scared to commit and fail!
Anyway the two weeks passed and it was a full week then , luckily for me, two weeks school holidays. Now I’ve finished my first full week back and am sitting here procrastinating instead of getting on with planning and prep, because I know it will take me so long to do. Deadline is Fri and I am lucky, my Boss isn’t signing me up to too many initiatives or working parties etc but I do now have parents eves in two weeks.
I’m lucky though because I’m sleeping. In fact I’m sleeping like the dead! I think those of you who are working shifts and coping with insomnia and the assorted symtpoms of therapy are working miracles.
Ok I still have no libido (who knows when it will return!), but I can hold a conversation now and am a bit more involved in what is going on around me? If that makes sense.I don’t feel the horrible emotional detachment I had before. I’m sure being back at work has helped too. If i need help though, and AD’s I’ll ask for them!
Good luck ladies
carolyn x
Hi Caroline… is this another flutterby??
Welcome and its so good to have your input with positivity added for a bonus bless you… Can I just ask what is Libido?? It rings a bell but just cant put my finger on why :)!!
I must say your phase back was a bit harsh on you and then straight back onto full time OOOOER!!! not sure I could have managed that in fact i’m still struggling a bit and thats 8 months on!!
I so envy you and anyone who can go to bed and sleep… I think i’ve poisoned my mind with so many sleepless nights I now think i’m not going to sleep without even trying… a really bad habit to get into
Going back to work is the best way to get some normalicy back tho…but i’m so close to retirement its always on my mind now when I have a particularly bad day… so I do have a bit of an inner battle going on,yet I never seem to get any closer to actually doing it!!
Maybe when i’m not feeling so low i’ll be able to make some decision I dont want to finish work then find my enthusiasm comes back as I do love my job but I dont love myself very much at the mo…Catch 22!!!
Well done on that good nights sleep Janice you definately feel better for it as i’m hoping will happen to me this coming week knowing I dont have to be up at 5.30 might just be what I need
And yes I spent 15 mins this morning trying to get my key to unlock the car door (Frozen) only to find the passenger side was’nt DOH!!! and when I was finally in, it took ages for the heater to work so was a very chilly drive to work in the dark. JOY!!! But the sun came out and its not so cold tonight, might give Ben (dog)a treat tomorrow and go down the river bank, poor love thinks he’s housebound!!!
Search party called off now hon Stay warm flutterbys and enjoy your PJ days love and hugs to you all xxxxxhugxxxxx
Hi everyone
Doz. Like the new pic of you! It sounds though as if you need a big hug? I agree that your low mood is so likely BC related. I really couldn’t cope with working and I think you’ve done wonders to get where you are today, coping with work, family and life itself! I don’t suppose shifts help though, so you really need those PJ days to recharge otherwise you’re no good to anyone are you? I don’t think it’s an age thing. I never felt like that before BC, I was full of energy. You need that ME week that‘s here! Try to do whatever you wish without feeling guilty, Doz.
The wrist armour came off Friday and the surgeon examined, as she put it, “my paw” and now I have a small wrist armour which I can now remove for a shower etc!! I have to go for physiotherapy and a bone scan this week, so back to the hospital once again folks!
It sounds as though we’re all in a bit of a low mood. Sorry to hear about your infection Janice but nice to hear from you. Hope Emmy is keeping up or will she be the same as us lot, I wonder?
Crabbit. At least you are starting to recognise the old you. I keep seeing glimpses and then it seems to disappear. We are certainly elusive butterflies! I can quite relate to you feeling scared to commit and fail at work, I would feel exactly the same.
Soar on delicate wings, elusive butterflies, it’s your turn to fly!!
Ami xx
Hi all sorry but been a bit out of it but at least I know why now! I went to bed Saturday at 8.45 so tired then last night woke up after going to bed just after 10.00 it was around 12.30 and was very sick!! There is a bug doing the rounds apparently so lucky me! I must have been coming down with it and didn’t realise! What a surprise when it is not cancer related!!! Funny we are too busy looking that way we don’t see the bug bus coming! Never mind sore tummy today and throat but actually feels strange to say but glad it is an everyday bug thing!
‘H’ wasn’t too bad one go at the needle again in the wrist but hey one! and the chemo nurse talked to me about the tummy thing which has been getting me down and lasting so much longer she pointed out that I had problems during chemo and I am sensitive to the drugs as I had a reaction to first ‘H’ so to try taking Piriton for a few days to see if it helps blow me it hasn’t gone but at least it is manageable!
So we will see. Sorry to witter on but only just got up as I couldn’t make work today but they owe me some hours so should be O.k .How are you all? See we have a new flutterby ,hello to you Caroline you have joined a really lovely,mad group of women who have been the best thing that has come out of this madness!! Doz am with you on the feeling low thing just comes out of nowhere and then a little it of me surfaces from time to time!
Well just going to PJ all day today too sore to do anything else!!! Take care and I hope those blankets are out mine will be!!! Soo cold here! Big hugs Em xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Bit cold for PJs today, unless you stay under the snuggly duvet too!!! Lovely morning though… been in to town and bought a Meal Deal from M&S for one of the nights of my “week off”… never had one before…
Doz… “I do love my job but I dont love myself very much at the mo…!!!” You are a fantastic lady, doing an amazing job, and you’ve been battered… what happens if you try to “be your own nurse” and “look after yourself” as you would a patient? You SO need this ME week… doing it without guilt is a challenge sometimes!
Last week, I looked after myself better, and, by the end of the week, did a full day (and a bit) and wasn’t shattered, then I did a day in London (going round the Tower all day with DD)… and yes, I was tired, but OK tired… caught up a bit yesterday and I needed a nap, but… progress! Definitely progress!
Do any other flutterbys feel that their hair is a metaphor for the whole recovery? Mine’s coming back (great) is still very short and obviously post-chemo (to me)… the progress is very slow when I look in the mirror daily, but if you don’t see me for a couple of weeks, the improvement is obvious… I’m delighted to HAVE hair, but it’s nothing like it used to be (and may never be the same again)… ring any bells!!!
Be gentle with those unfurling wings…
love Jane
Hi everyone what a cold daybrrrr. Have felt good today and think its because I felt useful.My neighbour slipped on the ice and broke her arm so I took her to A&E while my other half took care of her husband who has early dementia.Have decided that I need to start doing more as havn’t done much since my op and starting to be a home bird. So went off to visit a friend this afternoon instead of her visiting me and can’t wait to get back to the gym which will hopefully be 2 weeks time. I think this is why I have been feeling down as not socialising enough so hopefully will be better in mood now I have decided not to be a misery and be more optimistic so maybe I am emerging a bit more and will feel a bit like my old self. So B… Off all bad thoughts positivity is on its way (I hope)
Glad you have cast off Amy and arm healing okay.Hope the rest of you lovely ladies have a good week hugs Janicexxxx
Hi Flutterbys
Had my first me day woohoo… took daughter for her 3 month Colitis check up at the hospital, all’s coming on ok a few problems with S/E from meds but nothing insurmountable Then we did a very naughty thing and soooooooooooooooooooooooo enjoyed it!!! A McDonalds sausage and egg Mcmuffin breakfast with a hot chocolate:) I hav’nt had one since my R/T days… we used to call in for one on the way home, if I didnt eat then I could’nt face anything as the day went on, my appetite was rubbish at that time of the journey!
Then an 8 hr shopping day and now i’m absolutely pooped and skint! and PJ’s insitu… feet up and throbbing!!! Yes I bought myself a few little extravagent items
Tomorrow is going to be a pamper day and i’m going for a swim and sauna with my daughter she has 2 days off this week, wonders never cease, its only 1 usually, as the kitchen at the restaurant is being deep cleaned and she is’nt involved for the first time in 3 yrs
Nice to hear your back on your feet Em you poor love I can deal with anything that the body expels…(sorry!) but I just cant deal with Vomit so I do empathize… if any bugs are around I try not to breath not easy I can tell you. Hope it has’nt left you feeling too weak sweetie, get plenty of fluids down you to rehydrate yourself xx
Well done Janice on your useful day i’m sure it was much appreciated and a happy endorphines day for you by the sound of things… You are right about pushing ourselves to be more outgoing and sociable, BC seems to take away our get up and go!! and I think we let it to a certain extent…It was much easier to say no I cant be bothered than get up and do things!! I know I felt so much better when I played Badminton but sadly I think my badders days are over since my knee injury i’m still having problems with it and dont see myself playing again at this rate But I wont say never… yet! In the mean time I’m going to carry on swimming and see if I can build it up and start the gym again… oh gosh all these plans
Good to hear your all in good fettle and Ami nice to hear the armours shrinking :)Keep it up girlies and PJ’s rule and yes Jane if its cold get those snuggly blankets out and enjoy.
Big hugs xxxxxxhugxxxxxx
Hello Janice, Jane, Ami, Em Doz and the rest of the flutterbys,
You did make me laugh Doz
" Can I just ask what is Libido?? It rings a bell but just cant put my finger on why :)!!"
You’ll have to run by the criteria for flutterbies. Not sure if I am one. Finished treatment November 2011. Trying to behave myself and stay fit and well now!
Well after all the lovely encouragement (thank you ladies)here I am in bed at 8pm after only one day of the working week! Feel fine, just stressed with work duh! Will I never learn it is not worth it?
Emmy sorry you have been having a rough time. Thank you for your welcome too.
Jane I escaped without chemo but love the hair metaphor for recovery.
Doz enjoy your pamper day. Great time of year for it.
Now time to watch a very old episode of 24 with my poor hubby!
Take care carolynx
I think us flutterbys are emerging… from treatment… from cancer… from fear… and trying to remember things (like libido)(and confidence)(and being fit)(and normal)… you’re very welcome Crabbit… (oh… and memory)…(Oh… and… I forget…) ! Jane
Hi there everyone.
Aw, Emmy, sorry you’ve been ill. I did wonder if you were OK. Hope by now you’re feeling a bit more like yourself! I hate vomiting. When they manipulated my wrist I had morphine and gas and air, came home and vomited all evening shouting “Hurry up” to my O.H whenever he monopolised the loo!
Jane. Lovely to hear you feel you have progress! About the hair. I definitely have someone else’s. The texture and colour are different and it has been very slow growing. It’s only months after finishing treatment that I see new shinier growth nearer the roots. It originally came back looking a bit like a wavy Brillo pad! I complain about it but O.H says just be glad you’ve got some! And he’s right, really.
Jmr. Yes being useful certainly does make you feel better, but oh dear, another one breaking their arm! I now realise how easy it is to do. I think we all may feel better when the good weather comes.
Doz. I am imagining you trying not to breath at bugs!! I always think about touching handles and trolleys when shopping at the supermarket and I know I’m not on my own there! Do hope you can play badders again - enjoying things we like is bound to make us feel better.
Carolyn. Look at you - all snuggled up in bed watching 24!! Don’t blame you. I’m in my pantomime horse suit - (past post Carolyn, that’s my lounging about kit!) Emmy bags the front end!
Jane. On memory. I put 4 frozen Yorkshire puds in the oven for 4 mins. Not rocket science is it? Set off the fire alarm - kitchen filled with acrid black smoke, dog doing his nut - god knows what I pressed but they came out like nuggets of Whitby jet!!! I ask you, 4 minutes???
Positive hugs to all
Ami xx
Ha ha ha ha ha Ami you nuggett bless ya xxx
Nite nite flutterbys roll on summer!!! xxxhugxxx
ami I may be a silly b—er but it hit me late morning that I had something which had nothing to do with cancer and despite feeling rough it made me smile! I know who the hell wants to be a bit part for the exorcist? but it is a ‘normal thing’ to be ill with! so at least I sort of am getting back to me!!! I am sure I don’t need to explain that to you all! I am feeling better but did not risk it had a couple of biscuits then some toast (gluten free) for tea and though had a few moments earlier it is staying put!!
ami my son who is in the retained local fire service would give you his ‘For heavens sake woman look’,which makes me giggle!! I had that when he was here and asking ‘Have we got a fire plan?’ I said yep RUN!! He was not impressed I knew what he meant but it was irresistible to see the look on his face! I did risk assessments for that sort of thing for 20 years in my job and his dad is H&S officer at work! it is like he invented it!!! So teasing was totally in order!
We are obviously old and our memory is so bad we forgot! (Hey that’s true!) but don’t they treat us like kids now? my daughter tends to tell me off a lot about doing too much whilst she breaks her neck getting her business up and running!!???
I am going now to bed and hopefully will be in work tomorrow and Wed just hope my energy level gets me through!! Nitey Nite keep warm and have a good one Hugs Em xxxxxxx
Hi Flutterbys
Really enjoying my week off had a couple of busy days shopping swimming walking Ben and catching up on jobs that needed doing in the garden… weathers turned quite mild
Went for my Living With and Beyond BC app, today its now been renamed BC Survivorship…
Spent well over half an hour chatting with BC Nurse about anything and everything concerning after treatment, emotions S/E worries basically anything thats on your mind…
Its now the norm here in Humberside (perhaps where you are to?) to have one of these after your 1st yr Mammo and to be honest it was brilliant as it gave me time to voice all the things we,ve discussed on here between ourselves…
My biggest question had to be of course Where did I go, In short I didnt go anywhere she said we are just different after having had our feet taken out from under us with the Trauma C brings… and the forced Menopause, their job is to reassure us that what we are feeling is all part and parcel of the treatment/diagnosis etc., I asked if the old me would ever come back and she said I am still there just a bit different… I just have to accept the new me and learn to love the self that has just gone through one of the most traumatic events a body will ever have… WE COULD HAVE TOLD HER THAT
It was good to hear it from a proffesional though and that the S/E are quite normal… we knew that didnt we flutterbys but to have it said to you under these circumstances does help!!
A good bit of advice she did give me was to take things slower adapt my life to what it has become and to never tell myself I should be
trying to find the old me…as she’s the one who didnt have BC and had’nt been on this journey!! she gave me a hug and said no matter how I felt about myself I didnt look any different from when she first saw me over a yr ago!!! I said oh yes I am I’m fatter!!! she said I didnt look it but the meds do distribute your weight differently… All on my Tum!!!Diet and exercise advised!!
So all in all it was a very helpful appointment
Also mentioned the insomnia Janice, she said a lot of it can be caused by the flushes in which case they can give anti-depressants to help ease them or she thinks in my case i’m expecting to sleep more than my body needs… after menopause we tend to only need between 5/7 hrs sometimes even less… tho she said my shift work wont help to get a pattern going…which gives me more ammunition for myself to cut my hrs down to part time… What to do???
So Flutterbys if you were in any doubt let me assure you we are normal and will fly again soon
Love and hugs xxxxxxxxhugxxxxxxxx Doz
I am glad to think I am sort of normal then! I don’t think they do these sessions here Doz, but what a great idea. I think we all sort of know that we are different now but good to hear that is normal too. As for the S/E they are a pig! But I am grateful for the fact we have them. I have been a little better though hard to tell with the ‘bug’ effects too! It’s hammering down here just now ,roll on the summer then we flutterbys will feel better.I have just read the spoon theory, love it! made a lot of sense. Take care and snuggle down flutterbys .hugs to all Em xxxxx