It never stops! I had a little ministroke probably caused by Tamoxifen which I was on for 2 and a half months. That hospital department prescribed 75mg aspirin a day and said I should take statins or get my cholesterol down to 4.5 - I declined the statins and said I’d get it down with diet - Fat chance with arimidex! I’m still fighting though. I’ve gone almost vegan after reading the China Study by Campbell.
I am also supposed to chomp adcal2 tabs and strontium ranelate powder for osteoporosis. I supplement with Vit D3 and Omega 3 and vit B complex. I divide the pills up weekly into little jars and collect a small sack from the GP each month!
And I don’t feel ill at all - madness!
Doz, congratulations on your original cholesterol - bloody marvellous!
I guess we,d know each other if we met in the street…
I,m the other one that rattles!!!
I hope your problems have now sorted themselves out,
I work on a neuro rehab ward and some of our patients have had strokes so my heart goes out to you after stepping thro that particular door… nice to know you didnt go right thro, hope it stays that way! Not nice.
Well thats me done for tonight nice to have your input…
i,m now going to make sure there are no insomnia gremlins in my boudoir… they are another gift that keeps on giving and quite honestly wish they,d S*D off!
Take care xx
when I read your post it was almost as if it was me writing I too wonder where the confident and capable person I was has gone. my 1st mammogram is due in November as well and I am falling to bits at present but having read how you feel I realise we are all in the same boat and WE WON’T SINK.I too was a nurse but didn’t go back to work as was going to retire this year anyway but do feel as if it all happened too quickly and
wouldnt it be wonderfull to all meet up and have the biggest group hug ever as we are all feeling the smae feeling ,i put a post on earlier today as im feeling so low and beatmyself up that i should be greatfull im alive ,when will all these lows stop ,xx
Wow! more amazing women! I know exactly how you feel, have done the beating myself, it does not do anything just made me more angry and then down!I sometimes wonder who the woman staring back at me is,I do feel like the confident me has gone but am slowly learning about the new me! jmr I too am due my mammo,got app with onco tomorrow and scared rigid not sure if they will do it then or give me app? Yes we are all in the same boat. mrsc123 I think we are in good company 'cos no one understands quite like someone who has done this journey. Had a funny one today just felt so angry no reason just did! All new territory never been like that I am someone who has always been easy going so it has come as a shock to me that I can get this down and angry! Group ((((HUGS)))) xxx Shake rattle and roll together!!!
Welcome to jmr and mrsc123 and anyone else who wants to join us in offloading the fears…
Its not a site where you have to worry about feeling low its a site to share your feelings and realize your not going bonkers cos you feel different, your all very special ladies who have been there done it and are now picking up the pieces no matter how slow!
I cant believe how many of us “special” girls have responded to the first post as I thought I was just being a wuss and needed a good kick up the old rectum!
After all it was 11 months back that I had the initial op and god knows we should surely feel better… Not with BC so i,ve since learnt.
Like Em i,m due my first big check up and mammo since it all happened and to say i,ve got the jitters is quite an understatement I am absolutely S******G myself AAARGH!!!
Its a time of new territorys for us all and the meds dont help you to sort your head out they just fuzz it all up even more!
I can only say were not alone I have days when I dont even know myself anymore and honestly dont want to…I want the me back who used to look at life with such passion, not the me who constantly asks herself “where did I go”
I think the first check up is the hurdle to get thro… then you can start putting things into perspective!!
God are,nt I being serious… ha ha got my sensible head on…
Off with her head!!!
GROUP HUG on its way and stay positive no matter how s**t you feel YOUR NORMAL you,ve been thro a life changing experience and BC certainly is that!
Love Doz xxxx
Well these words ring true to all of us. Bravely said and faced. We will never be the same again , we have faced the fact that you DO NOT live forever, looked at our own fragile mortality… It’s just that we want our fair share.
For me the first realisation was a lack of interest in shopping…why would I need anymore clothes…somebody will have to throw them out… Etc the list of reality is long.
We have also changed in the fact we post on this Forum and tell complete strangers our inner hurts. They become our friends, our soul mates, our secret.
Thank you for being here all of you.
Cackles xxxx
Huggs
Hello Ladies
YES, i feel the same. I’ve always been strong and positive and able to deal with whatever life has thrown at me. But BC is different. It does make us aware of the fragility of life and that it could be snuffed out at any time. I’m very grateful for the treatment I’m getting, but i’m also very aware that afterwards my life will never be the same again.
Where did I go ? Good question…
And a question I have in my head now is “What will the next me be like?”
Remains to be seen, but I do know I won’t be the same.
Hi ladies… SlendaBlenda, I absolutely agree - what will the new me be like? In a way, if we come through all this and stay the same, we’ve wasted an opportunity to change/grow/learn. Doesn’t make it any easier though when you bite someone’s head off, and know, deep down, they haven’t done anything much, it’s just plain anger that’s errupted from somewhere deep down. Like many of you, I’m normally laid back, strong, positive etc etc… I’m looking at the prospect of returning to the land of W.O.R.K. in a couple of weeks, and as I am in a “caring profession” wonder how I will cope witn anyone moaning about nothing much… in the middle of treatment I told the Occupational Health DR i might just “slap 'em”. One way of showing you’re NOT fit for work!!! But that was then… I feel stronger these days, only the reality is that my strength is not reliable, either physical or emotional. Sometimes it’s there… sometimes it’s gone AWOL… and that’s a new ME that I have to learn to be gentle with… (and not dislike her) Jane (((joining the group HUG)))
Hi again all! Well had app with onc to be told no mammo till April next year 12 months after surgery but on the plus side no apps for 6 months!! I have got so used to having at least a couple or even three/four in a week! apart from my Herceptin and getting sorted with lympo I am free…yes and back at WORK, only for a couple of mornings a week for now then will see. As for the new me she is still in the process of being made not sure what I will be like but it is so good to be talking about ‘normal’ things e.g someone telling me she still has problems with a sore shoulder after twelve months?? It did feel a bit arrghhh!! but then it was so normal don’t even think the lady was aware of what she had said! As for you Doz SERIOUS??? Nah! just having a moment or two! Well I am certainly not gonna be a touchy feely sort of person but I have come to realise how amazing we can be!! So big up to all the amazing women who got here! (((more hugs)))
Em xxxxxx
Quite agree Jane, I find myself biting someone’s head off for no real reason - like today when my mum was moaning about hairdresser. She was asking me about mine and I HAD to say “I haven’t GOT any hair” Unnecessary really. It’s usually my OH who gets it.I just can’t be bothered worrying about everyone else’s feelings at the moment.
I ain’t takin no Sh*t from no-one!
I have recently started having counselling. Hope it might help me retain some of the old me… maybe.
What a relief to hear my story echoed here, I thought I was going round the bend. It’s interesting that many of us discovered we had BC following other traumas in our life. In the space of 2 years my little nephew was diagnosed with leukemia, then my dad was diagnosed with the disease, and died whilst I was undergoing chemo, other more minor trials and tribulations occured also but then I get my diagnosis…strange coincidence? Throughout my treatment; chemo, surgery, rad, I coped amazingly, everyone commented on how ‘brave’ I was. It almost felt surreal though and I don’t think the enormity of it sunk in until now (i finished treatment early Sept). I’ve been back at work part time for the last three weeks (plus working from home)but I’m struggling to cope. I don’t want to just slip back into my old life as if nothing happened, I’ve changed and want to acknowlege this. My job seems pointless and I’ve lost confidence in myself, questioning everything in my life and the direction it’s going. I’m 44, married and childless, Zoladex and Tamoxifen make it unlikely that I will ever have children so I’m struggling to find meaning in life… it’s occured to me ‘why should I have survived this when far more worthy people don’t?’ I feel at odds will family and society in general, on the verge of tears constantly but putting a brave face on, maybe I should consider counselling. Only discovered this forum today and, through the tears, have found comfort in not being alone. Thank you all for sharing your experiences x
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MrsEC funny you saying about personal traumas it is something that has come up on here before, we had a goodish year till Nov’09 when we were in a car accident thankfully no really serious injuries (whiplash which left arm quite weak) could have been much worse.Then my mother died in Dec '09 during all that awful snow,I had to drive 130 miles there and back sorting things,supporting step father, the funeral was delayed due to xmas and weather till 7th Jan’10. I started a new job (yes stressful one) we had my son’s wedding in the July and four days later I found my cancer! It has been a total blur with chemo,ops,rads I still can’t look back as I just focussed on the next thing and dealt with it that way. Now 3 weekly Herceptin,Arimidex and got blasted lymphodema so it seems never ending! Yes days where I am angry , Days when I cry at the drop of a hat and slowly,slowly days where I am getting stronger!I have got some wonderful support around me and made an amazing friend through this site with who I can share my good days/bad days with . Meanwhile I am now sticking with ‘cooking the new me’ as others have said not sure what that will be like but have to hang on to that! I have started back to work for a couple of mornings a week but I will never sweat the small stuff ever again! I am only now coming to the realisation that I never knew about cancer or about how people dealt with it or not but I will definately be much more understanding to anyone I may meet along the way but won’t put up with stupid any more! So yes changing but I hope for the better! take care xxx
Hi to you all who came on here and found some ladies who know exactly what your all going through… After chatting (a Lot… sorry Em for making you cross eyed :)) with Em and realizing so many total strangers are going thro the same dilema,s and fuzzed up feelings I have decide after posting the original post that I still dont know where I went I only know i,m not on my own and if we all want to blurt out our inner feelings to total strangers then go for it girls your in the right place.
A friend told me to be kind to myself when i,m feeling rough and when I feel irritated by everything… easier said than done when you want to rip someones head off for being insensitive or down right annoying, but I am working on it and hav,nt done anyone any damage YET!!!I,m not sure if i,m right but I think all the angst and pent up emotions that were all going thro is just anger at BC in general. I,m not or ever have been an angry person till now so it has to be the treatment/meds???
MrsEC hi honey I read your mail and wept for you… you are here cos you are a very special person there,s no order from up above that says who stays and who does,nt… your here and your amongst friends, strangers we may be but BC buddies each and everyone of us in our own special way… As for meaning to life I,ve no answers but your a part of our lives now and this is the best place to let all the doubts and fears go without risk of being criticized, just spill it out hom one of us will have an answer not always sane but a listening ear all the same xxx love to you all Doz xx
Thank you so much Doz, this is the first time I’ve dared to blurt out my feelings as I don’t want to spoil everyones image of this ‘brave’ person and shatter their illusions. Part of me feels guilty for sounding so self pitying but it’s nice to have the opportunity to just let go of whats going round in my head. I think youre right about feeling angry with BC, we probably all go through phases, a bit like bereavement, and hopefully come out the other end with a different attitude to life. I promised myself when in treatment that I’d never sweat the little stuff again but now finding I’m worse than ever, don’t know if it’s partly down to hormonal changes. Feeling slightly more sane since offloading on you though and knowing I’m not alone. I think the worst thing is everyone thinking treatment’s finished therefore I must be ‘over it’ but the fallout has only just begun. Take care all xxxxxxxx
Morning MrsEC
I think we,ve all put on the brave face for whatever reason even tho we feel like S**T inside and I dont know why we do it… in my case I think its because I didnt want people to think i,m milking it…but half of me at the same time wants to scream out that i,m really not feeling myself at all and that BC has whipped my feet out from under me leaving my little world so mixed up and changed… It IS like a bereavement in many ways.
You made me smile about not sweating the little stuff again since all this happened, as I think that the little stuff wraps itself around everything and anything that goes on and becomes just as much a problem as the major stuff… and yes hon its the good old hormonal gremlins at work.
I did go to see a councillor at Oncology as I thought I was depressed but after chatting twice he was happy to call me normal (ha ha! as normal as i,ll ever be) it is a good service tho to be honest I,ve found much more comfort here from all the amazing ladies who are travelling the same road and listening to how we could have all written each others posts and probably not known the difference.
I did write at the beginning that its not the BC thats the problem its what comes after… all the meds the treatment etc it really does mess with the head, and it does,nt just stop at that Em wrote “the gift that keeps on giving” and that just about sums it all up!
I dont think anyone can understand how the process of Cancer treatment affects and keeps on affecting… unless they,ve been there.
Were all in this together… tho non thro choice, but its a door thats opened and inside are the most amazing ladies who will laugh with you cry with you and give some amazing group hugs
Love to each and everyone of you… Doz xxxxhugxxx
Forgive me if I go all philosophical… I’m reading a book at the moment which talks about the different life-skills that are necessary to navigate teh “2nd half of life” from the 1st. Story of Oddyseus is told… he survives a horrendous journey in order to get home. Gets home then feels there’s a 2nd journey (which i hardly talked about) and it is THIS journey that enables him to be at peace. Am I ringing any bells here? It seems a good metaphor for the (hard) journey through cancer and treatment, and surviving all that (getting home) only to find that there is another journey, not much talked about. And I feel that this journey is (for me) harder than the first… and more important. I don’t know how to do this bit (whereas the “grit teeth and get on with it” role I know well)… So, maybe we can learn what’s necessary for this second journey together… Am I making any sense? or shall I just go and sit on the “don’t confuse everyone” bench!!! Jane
Bless you Jane! no you have to be fuzzy brained to get that! and I do scarily! I think we have got to a crossroads where we decide lots of things about our lives depending on what we have learned, new friends 'cos some of the old weren’t who I thought they were! new ideas about how much to invest in work (gone very part time!) and yes still learning it would be a shame not to be different it is such a life changing thing to go through, I have learnt just how precious my time is now. So no need to go to the ‘don’t confuse bench!’ I think most of us ‘get it’ and do make some changes even if it is just to be a little more caring of ourselves which I never did too busy being what everyone else wanted me to be, still changing ,still cooking but never will regret anything any more will grab all life has to offer and more!!! Wow!! did I just get real serious ? I guess I did but it has all made me think and your post sums it up what we do with it all is in our hands! Group Hug! Em x
thanks Em… making the most of life is a gift… worrying less about what people think of us is HARD… but probably important… being true to who we are (rather than what others expect of us) is vital, methinks… which means I need to learn to say “no”… and I seem to remember someone once told me I didn’t need to explain WHY I was saying no! Realy?? That’ll take practise! hugs…
you,ve been thro a life changing experience and BC certainly is that!