HI everyone since my last post made an appointment with my b.c.n saw her today and opened up to her and felt so much better. She enabled me to have my 1st mammo today and is arranging an earlier app with my surgeon so we can discuss some plastic surgery to sort my ugly boob out.Had to laugh when I got back home as there was an app for mammo next week. hope everyone is continuing to spend some time for themselves Hugs to you all
Wow - so glad I found this thread as it resonates so strongly. I can only agree with so much that has been said - I felt like I was letting every one down by not coping NOW when I had coped so well during treatment. but in a way that was quite easy as I didn’t feel I had any choice and just accepted what had to be done. now trying to re integrate with the “normal” world it is so much harder & yes - another journey which will take time & strength.
I know I am lucky to have a wonderfully supportive OH,family friends & work and am STILL finding it desperately hard. yes woe betide somebody who says or does something stupid in front of me - or some days just dares to breathe in my direction.
I do believe that some of this is down to hormone imbalances caused by treatment as I feel like I have the worst ever case of PMT. I am on the verge of a visit to the GP to get some anti depressants as I feel I cannot carry on like this - BUT hearing from everyone here makes me feel better as I know it is probably a “normal” reaction to what we have been through & often just knowing you are not alone is enough to help.
My main thing is I just can’t stop crying & am petrified of secondaries as I have a 5 year old daughter & feel so desperate when I think of her having to grow up without a mum. The trouble is the thoughts just make me cry & sad & then I don’t enjoy the time I have NOW with her which then makes me angry at myself & so the cycle continues. - perhaps now is the time to approach some counselling as I need to break the negative cycle.
Thanks to all you lovely people for being here - makes it all so much more bearable XXXXXXXXX jo XXXXXXX
Aw Jo bless you…
I think each and everyone of us surprised ourselves at how well we coped through all the scary stuff, treatment etc., mostly because we were more or less supported right through it all by the amazing Oncology teams so yes you just go along with it all… then the umbrella disappears and your on your own down stream without a paddle (or so it seems) and the mind is a crazy thing when its left to its own device… thinking!! AND were all guilty of that!
Its hard not to worry about the what if,s I,ve just been to the Dr,s after having had a headache for the past 7 days?? I thought it could be sinus,s/migraine/medications/maybe even a pulled muscle in my neck?? and all the time there was a little gremlin on my shoulder saying BUT “what if” its something more serious… there goes that involuntary brain activity again!!! saying what if??
Its a common thing as once you,ve been there its always on your mind that it will come back, and what are we doing to ourselves? causing stress… which is what my Dr has just confirmed,
My first check up is due in a few weeks and is obviously getting to me so i,ve come home popped a few more tablets and i,m now going to bannish the words “what if” I cant change things but I can be kinder to myself, I want to start enjoying my life again, yes its different and not one i,d have chosen but i,ve got over the first hurdle… with the help of the ladies who listen on here…
I,m in the middle of reading The Secret, its all about negativity and positivity and it sooo makes sense in saying by thinking negative thoughts your inviting negativity into your life etc, I wont blag anyones head with the details as maybe the books not for eveyone, though i,d advise anyone to read it if they are struggling with their own thoughts. I,ve skipped quite a lot bit have learnt a few good lessons which proves you can teach an old “dog” new tricks!!! Gee whizz back comes the serious head!! Sorry guys :0 I dont like serious i,d rather be happy go lucky like I used to be 
i,ll be back… Group hug on its way xxxx Doz
O.K now Jane pratice after me NO! NO! NO! yes I really do know how hard that is being a carer all my life(oldest of 9) with parents with a disabilty ,4 children then into care work for 20 years! Phew even that makes me tired! But it is that wanting to care for and please thing that we get ourselves trapped in and it is bl–y hard to say NO! I found that I could and to my husbands delight I found myself saying NO without thinking very recently! Hubby danced me round and I was confused?? “That is the first time I have heard you say that to anyone”, he says! WOW! I look back and short of someone for a shift ring Em, need staff training done as an extra? ring Em, mum can you??? yes o.k (whilst thinking oh hell I was gonna!) so very hard to change but slowly coming up for air and some ME time! I am taking anti depressants which I swore would never happen to me, I have had to be strong for many people and didn’t give me a chance till now!
I have a lovely hubby and some amazing support but don’t feel like I can relate to everyone in the same way, sort of detached from the mainstream sometimes listening to someone moan and want to slap them upside the head and say wake up! Yes I can become quite enraged to say the least but it has stayed in my head and I have found I am a little cynical but no bad thing really. As for the crying it comes from nowhere! I can get up like that and THAT scares me as I have discussed with Doz ‘at the drop of a hat!’ always have been a bit of a softie but now total blubbering wreck when I do go which thankfully is becoming less! Well enough of this we surely deserve all the group hugs we can get so BIG group HUG!!! love to all Em x
Yes Jane and Em- Learning to say NO is hard, but it is also liberating when we realise we can do it and the world doesn’t come to an end!
In fact I’ve noticed that people who are used to me being the doormat are actually giving me more respect when they see that I can’t always cope with everything.
It’s only taken me until the age of 57 to start and I’m not an expert yet.
Jo, I’ve recently started having counselling for the first time in my life. You may find it’ll help you deal with your feelings.
You are right, you do want to enjoy this precious time with your daughter. Hopefully we won’t get secondaries and you will have many happy years together. Also you don’t want her to pick up on your anxiety.It might help to talk to someone who isn’t close to you. I find I can’t really open up much to those closest to me because I don’t want to add to their worry and I can’t help trying to protect them from worrying about me.
I’ve snuck back in to apologise for my rather abrupt absence, and this thread seems the most appropriate place to do so.
I have had several rather stressful non-BC things to deal with in the last couple of months that I won’t bore you with, but that ended up with me having a pretty major meltdown a month ago. Unfortunately some forum members also got caught up in my meltdown and I felt absolutely dreadful about that much more than about all the rest of it, so I needed to back off to see if I could find myself again. I remain unconvinced that I have done, but anti-ds and counselling, support and encouragement from good friends, and resigning from a job that was also making me feel inadequate, have all helped.
Thank you all. And citalopram rocks. (As does Lemsip - got a stinking cold on top of the hot flushes so I feel really ill during my volcano moments.)
Good to see you back CM - you have been missed especially by me. 18 months ago I resigned from a job that was making me miserable. I had 19 years of continuous service and the job had changed so much and I had been moved from company to company, to new challenging roles and to a position that was far too close to the sharp pointy end. Dealing with MD’s who thought that it wasn’t their job to clean up the messes they made. Anyway - to cut a long story short, I handed in my notice, worked to the end and walked away with dignity. Had a major melt down straight afterwards but after a couple of counselling sessions I realised that what I had done was actually very brave and the best thing I could have done, and should have done years ago. I have found peace with myself, and even though I am fighting breast cancer, I am happier than I was and far far calmer. (Except when on steroids)
Welcome back CM.
One of the positives for me has been something that others have mentioned ie I don’t care so much about what people think of me any more and it is so liberating. I also know now what is important and it sure aint material things. So along with the fear of recurrence, the crap side effects of hormone pills and the loss of my boobs there are some plusses. The new me is hopefully a wee bit better person than the old me.
Welcome back Choccie - we missed ya xxx
I wondered where you went and missed your wisdom and humour.
I’ve recently backed off from a different forum I used to frequent, nothing to do with BC - doesn’t seem relevant at the moment.
Be gentle with yourself.
Hi CM,
You have been missed. So sorry you’ve been having a rubbish time. It’s a shame that the sh*t things in life don’t realise that we already have sh*t things to deal with. You’ve already had some really horrible things to have to deal with - and, again, it’s a shame that the cr*p things in life don’t recognise those who’ve already had their fair share to deal with.
Anyway, no need to apologise in the slightest! But you were very missed. And up to you if YOU need the forum still. Don’t feel that you have to be dispensing your helpful, practical and often upbeat advice if you don’t feel up to it. Put YOU first.
You will get yourself back again - I just hope that the ‘real’ CM is as brilliant as the one we know and love (bearing in mind many of us have met you in the flesh).
Take care of yourself, look after yourself and be gentle on yourself. I hope the counselling etc helps. Many of us are having counselling too.
Lots of love, xxx.
CM - I had been wondering how you were/where you were… assumed work consumed. So sorry you’ve had/are having a rubbish time. We loved you as you were… and look forward to travelling with you again - if you want to travel with this mottly crew! I don’t think many of us are quite sure who we are at the mo… but we will emerge like butterflies (my metaphor of the morning) We are still in crysilis stage, which was described to me as “primordial sludge” - feels about right some days! Bit of wing emerging other days, but very fragile stuff… Huge group hug…
I have certainly had lots of work stuff happening. Back doing as many hours as I can force myself to, but my procrastination levels have reached appalling levels and sometimes I just sit and play internet backgammon when I’m supposed to be working… not good. This week I will have done around 50 hours by the time I get to Friday evening. Did more than 10 hours yesterday working with a colleague, spent the whole day in bed on Tuesday but with my laptop so was very productive, have done a 160-mile round trip twice so far this week - all in all a bit knackering but at least it allows me to put BC and some of the other crap on the back burner (until I burst into flames again of course!)
Ever heard people say “men think about sex every 7 seconds”? Well I’m afraid I’m a bit like that with BC most of the time, and it’s very draining and extremely boring.
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lovely to read all your posts and know I am not alone whe n the whole world seems to be getting me down and feel as if no one cares (obviously they do)I feel sorry for my hubbie at these times as he has to listen to my ranting.Having had my first mammo yesterday and not painful like I thought it would be I have felt much better today and not even worried about results in a few weeks time as I feel what will be will be and b.c.n was so understanding and helpful that I am coping a bit better Big hugs to you wonderful people jmr xx
JMR nice to hear your positivity re having now had your first mammo well done and keep it up…We all care there,s no doubt about that hon xx think I said before somewhere that the first mammo is the biggest hurdle we are facing since treatment ended,(its the waiting room scenario all over again!!) cant say i,m looking forward to having whats left of my poor battered boob squished and squashed around… but hey ho not much choice eh girls…its an inevitable event!! I,m sure you,ll hear me if it hurts!!! Wherever you are!(I,m such a wuss… Nurses always are:))))
Hope your colds better CM i,m surrounded by sniffles and snot at the mo, my daughters been full of it now for 2 weeks and half the patients on the ward where I work are sneezing and spluttering and dripping (literally) from every orifice!!! I,ve learnt to hold my breath when treating them for a lot longer than I thought possible!!!So far so good tho on saying that I had my flu jab last week and i,ve felt B*****Y awful since?? Should,nt really as its not a live vaccine.
This forum is certainly attracting some amazing ladies, Where did I go should be renamed Who will I be :)Its funny listening to some of your takes on it!
Group hug on its way… Doz xxxxhugxxxx
P.S Yes i,m in my PJ,s Em Ha ha when am I not? I did a 13hr shift today instead of a 7hr… short staffed as usual! So tonight I deserve them I,m pooped!xxx
Have this lovely pic of you in PJ’s Doz,He!He! guess what got mine on tonight after shopping like a loon now knackered!!! yep sure are some amazing women on here, I feel so at home! funny how the kindness and understanding makes you feel less lonely, it’s not that I don’t have support just that it takes one to know one and on here I don’t feel silly! find myself nodding in total agreement with most of the posts here it a real joy!!! Some have made me laugh some have made me cry all in all it’s the sanest I have been in a long time! shame it took so long to find you. Group hugs all round! xxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi, ladies. I had my ‘post’ mammogram a few weeks ago, and phoned to ask the results on Wednesday: ‘no signs of malignancies’, so here I am, asking to join you. My annual check up has been postponed until January. Oh great. I should say that I have been this way before, as I had a DCIS 3 years ago and it was during the 2nd supposedly routine checkup that this little stinker was found (tiny but invasive and already in 1 lymph node.)
Hugs, Choccie, I’m glad you’re back. Life has a nasty way of dumping everything on you at once, doesn’t it?
Like many of you, I have the sensation of a serious panic sitting just below the surface. I’ve just been going through a protracted and poorly-managed voluntary redundancy process, leaving work a year earlier than I had planned, after nearly a year on sick leave. That’s another blow to the sense of self. I loved teaching in adult education, even if I was fed up with my employer. I’m trying to get some voluntary teaching, because I don’t feel ready to be an old lady yet. Except, of course, on the mornings when I’m both stiff and wobbly for the first few minutes after getting up, or when I find I can’t physically manage things I used to, or when I notice how much greyer I seem than a year ago…
The biggest physical issues for me are ongoing changes to the DCIS breast and ongoing swelling and discomfort from the WLE, SNB and axillary clearance of a year ago. I saw the BCN over the summer and she had the surgeon take a look, which is why I got the mammogram last month rather than having to wait until December or January. One of the helpline nurses has suggested some age-related changes that might be occuring in the DCIS breast, which was a useful reminder that NOT EVERYTHING IS CANCER or cancer-related. How many times have I reassured other people about that, while telling them to get whatever it was checked out?
The upside of not being at work: several jars of apple and crabapple jelly and the first bit of embroidery I’ve done for years. And daily walks to build up my heart and lungs after months of anaemia and to lose some weight.
hi again
well I have got a dr appt for tomorrow am. pretty sure I will just ask to go on citalopram just to even out my mood swings. not what I really want but I know it will help me get through the next few months at least so I can regain some feeling of stability. I’ve also got through my referral for recon but am not actually planning to have it done for at least another year. I want to get another clear scan under my belt first & also not put myself & the family through any more anxiety for a while as we have all had enough of hospitals for the time being. They said once I’;ve seen the consultant it’s then up to me to say when I want it done & that suits me fine. want to move house which will bring it’s own stresses but we’ve put up with my OH’s small 2 bed semi for far too long & I want our own new place with our lovely daughter so I can really feel it is ours rather than his.
Thanks to all of you I do feel so much better about things & think I need to accept this is my new life now.
hugs XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX jo XXXXXXXXX
hey all.
havent posted for a while but have been reading.
i also have the underlying fear of return of the beasties. every now and again i think about it but then realize i hadnt thought about it for a period, them periods are when im buzy and trying to take in the now.
i was in spain last week and even there when i got in the pool i had a wobble about my scars, and hot flushes and horrible curly hair.
why does everyone feel the need to say how gorgeous my hair is. noooo its curly and frizzy and i look like a boy. oooo id love hair like that they say, oh really, u think i had it cut like this for fashion purposes. lol
return to work interview tommorow, phased return chat. how many hours is enough???
jo, hugs hun, we have been through this journey togther from the start, and you have been really ace, we all have, , it just catches up with us all.
xxxxxxxx
Hi girls. Hi Poppy and Jo and everyone else. Another candidate for the new group here.
Have been getting on pretty well apart from the general fear that we all have lurking at the back (and sometimes front) of our minds.
I’ve started doing a bit of work over the last few weeks but have started to feel increasingly anxious and under pressure. I feel that I would much rather stay at home or just do a small bit of work but my assistant has had to cut down her hours now. I think I need to go back to our local cancer support centre where I can see the counsellor and see if she can help me. I feel if I continue like this I’ll go off sick again. Haven’t had my check up with the oncologist either so I feel a bit in limbo.
Anyway, off for a week to the coast for half term so will have a good think about things.
Hugs to all who need them.
Pollyxx