I was diagnosed 3 and half years ago and since then my 2 sets of closest friends have become increasingly distant. Has anyone encountered this and got any advice?
Yes this has happened to me. Some people just cannot deal with the whole cancer scenario. Its very upsetting
xxJools
Yes, I was diagnosed in jan 04, my dearest, closest friend was there every step of the way, but others used to ask her how I was rather than ringing me or coming to see me…I put it down to the fact that they didn’t know how to be around me or what to say…but because of that I have become very intolerant of certain people, it upset me at the time as I was the one that was always there for certain people when they were having a tough time.
My advice would me to voice your thoughts to your friends…and you will soon find out if they are true friends.
karen x
Yes I think Karen has said all. This dx sorts out true friends. I have no time for those who have never contacted me or who have been very thoughtless.
Margaret
Thanks for your comments. I dont think I can speak to the friends concerned They would see see it as being confrontational. I am really anoyed that they are treating me this way!!! I just cant understand people acting like this.
I think people are frightened to say the wrong thing - so they say nothing. How about your FRIEND arranging a get together, so they can all see that you are still you?
We belong to a strange club now, but we need to get out sometimes.
Lots of luck
it’s funny isn’t it? … this is my order of preference …based on a very small sample as i am still in the closet …
- favorites are the lovely ones who show an interest and say the right thing and are supportive etc
- the second favorites are the ones who say nothing and disappear - i feel a bit sorry for them as they just dont know how to handle it …
- the bottom of the pile are the ones who ask lods of stupid questions, say the wrong thing, tell you how you are feeling and are just downright blooming stupid about everything …
… so I suppose considering this you’ve got to be rigt in tune with me to make it to the dizzy heights of the top group and if you don;t get it right then I’ll be ignoring you!!! … not surprising some people are in the middle group as they might sya the wrong thing …
do have a pleasant evening everyone!
lots of love FBX xxx
I’d just like to say that you are all looking soooooooo well … you’d never know !!! … watch out for buses when crossing the road … love FB xxxxx
I am so sorry that this is happening with you and your friends Rufus…it’s sad that people who were once very close, have lost the ability to remain close. Alot of it may be that they are afraid of doing, saying the wrong thing. But in reality, I think it’s more along the lines of ignorance - if they ignore you - they can ignore the reality of BC. Knowing that something like BC is out there is one thing, but having it hit home when a friend is diagnosed - reminds them it can happen to them. I honestly think that in alot of cases it’s their fear that it ‘could be them’ that keeps them away from you. It’s too bad that they haven’t thought to find out a little bit more about it - a little about the treatments etc., and to know what you might be going through, so that they can continue that friendship at the very time it is needed. I’m at the ‘waiting on results stage’, but I do recall a good friend when our kids were younger - her young son had leukaemia, and it did hit home to me that ‘hey, it could be my son’. She was a single mother, and on her own dealing with this. A group of friends made sure that she always had a ride to hospital appts., and we made sure that she had meals cooked when she got home from them, dropped groceries in her front door etc. She had a large group of friends prior to her son’s illness, a smaller but closer group during and after. Don’t take it personal - it’s not YOU they are avoiding…they are avoiding BC and the reality that it could be them.
Hi All,
I start chemo tomorrow and one of my best friends that I’ve known for 18 years (and I’m only 24!) has removed herself from seeing me… lots of excuses and refuses to talk about anything.
My Oncologist thought that my cancer might have been terminal (luckily its not!) and when I told her she said… “Bad times” - It felt so cold to be treated like that but I think a few people struggle with empathy or dealing with really huge emotions… and to deal with it all she did was get angry about other things.
I cannot believe its been so long and they are still being that way… have you spoken to them about it? All I would say to you is make a last ditch attempt, explain how you feel and if you get nothing back sometimes you just have to move on and hope that if they are real friends that they will come back… but personally I think that no matter how hard it is your true friends will be strong enough to overcome their problems and be available to look after you!
I hope you’re getting all the suport you need!
Erin xxx
Hi rufusdufus
I rarely post on here these days but EXACTLY the same type of thing has happened to me. And the “funniest” thing is apparently I am jealous of them - jealous of new friendships and relationships they have made over the last few years (I’m 3 years post diagnosis too). What a load of rubbish! Isn’t it funny what people’s guilty consciences make up!
I don’t think there is any changing these people - sadly for me they just had to be discarded from my life. If they find it hard to cope with their friend having bc then they aren’t true friends to me. I can’t surround myself with negativity, life is too precious and short for that. I used to have a lot of friends, now I have a very small but very close group who mean the world to me. At least I found out who they were.
Jo x
There’s an idea I’m holding onto with both hands right now and it’s this.
The kind of friends a person needs are the ones that give them energy, the ones that make you laugh and make you feel better than before you saw them or spoke to them.
The kind of friends you don’t need are the ones that leave you feeling drained.
A “good” friend of mine, who I’ve known for many years made me feel bad because I couldn’t make it to his wedding (400 miles away and on the day I was due to see the onc), also almost had a go at me for not sharing enough, ie not complaining about every little thing, so it’s my fault is it hmmm. I quickly realised that taking to him leaves me drained at the moment so he’s in category 2 for now and I haven’t spoken to him for a while as I just don’t need that kind of friendship right now.
A couple of other friends who are also the other end of the country have been really sweet and sent me emails that they knew would make me laugh. Category 1, keeping them 
We have enough to deal with and plenty of treatments to beat us up, I’m not beating myself up over letting a few friends sit in the background for a while.
Having said that a woman who lives in my village, who I hardly know came round and asked if I wanted some wigs as she lost all her hair years ago (her wigs are so good I had no idea). I thought that was really brave of her as she had no idea how I’d react and I respect that losing hair is a very personal thing for some people. There’s some amazingly kind people out there (and a few sh**s too 
I’m keeping my eyes open for the good ones.
Hi, thanks so much for your comments. The truth is I have the most awful hangover this morning,…actually now
afternoon. All because of these ‘friends’. I have passed the stage of why they ignore me, I think, but its still really
upsetting and i’m bloody furious!!! I have been trying to arrange to meet up with them or 9 weeks!! I rang her
towards the end of my last stint of chemo which finished in May. She never made contact, no text, nothing to ask ho I was. Every time I arranged a dtae she said she deletedthe text, or forgot and this happened 3 times!! On Wenesday she said they were busy till Septmber!! Its all more complecated because about 5 years ago I promised her daughter she could be bridesmaid if I ever remarried. I am now getting married next August. I have not told the friends because I want them to contact me as a friend rather than for the wedding. I feel so distressed about it, I need to spend my energy on how the hell am I going to look half decent in a strapless wedding dress having had a double mastectomy. Its very hard trying on wedding dresses when you are bald.!!! I need to expend energy on this and my 3 and half year old daughter not idiots.
Wow, I feel a bit better after that rant!!! Please send me some messages, to knock some sence into me and thank you Jo for your comments. Ruth
Ruth,
Don’t worry about your forthcoming wedding, you will look beautiful! Its you that the OH is marrying for you and I’m sure that your hair will have grown back by then. If you can get through this horrible disease and come out the other side you can try dresses on. Do your homework, find a dress you like, find out the nearest stockist and explain the situation and maybe they will be able to help you. Good Luck!!
Essie X
Ruth,
I think we have all found this - some friends are great, some melt away, and others who were mere acquaintances are unexpectedly brilliant.
My way of dealing with the ones who melt away has been to be friendly if they contact me, but not to waste any energy on contacting them. But I make a bigger effort with the friends who have been good to me.
Hello Girls, hope you dont mind me coming on here but just felt like i wanted to say something about this.
I think people think that our bad luck will rub off onto them!
Dont waste your energy on them - save that for yourselves and the people that care about you.
X
Its a funny old thing, having cancer in the sense that it makes you sort out fairly quickly the “helium vampires” - those who drain us of energy and positivity from our lives. In the past, I have put up and tolerated these people, thinking it may be me, not them etc, at fault and spent a great deal of time and energy on friendships. But now, I have become fairly ruthless. I have stopped contact virtually with people who for whatever reason, make me feel bad/low etc. Like many of you, I have found friends since and people who were not that close have become so. Basically, having something like cancer makes you take stock of everything and dare I say it, become more selfish in terms of knowing who does you good and who doesnt. I have been very upset by people I thought were close (some relations) who haven’t even bothered to email to see if I am dead or alive and there are others who have been so thoughtful. I will never know why people become so distant - probably fear of saying the wrong thing, but I would rather have someone say anything, even if its stupid than nothing at all. As for your friend Ruth, who uses lame excuses not to keep in touch - tell her to do one! It is far too tiring and stressful to chase her. If she wanted to see you she would have made an effort. As for the bridesmaid, there must be other little girls of people who have been close that would fit the bill - it would be a nightmare to have to keep chasing her for dress fittings etc, if she cant be bothered now.
Good luck
Cathy
x
Hi Ruth
dont worry about the people who dont contact you concentrate on the ones who are in touch. I was diagnosed in1999 had lots of fair weather friends but only a few are still around and life is so much better knowing these are my true friends. When secondaries were confirmed in 2004 and our future looked to be a very short one we decided after 8yrs it was time to get married. We had moved to Cornwall in 2002 and made 8
new friends we invited them along with family and our special friends and had the most fantastic day possible. Did we miss our old group of friends, did we hell I realized life was so much easier and had quality not quantity to it. Four years later we still have our new group of friends and have only heard from the others when they have had children. We look back and realize the only invites we really ever got from the others was when it was their birthdays, anniversary or move to a new home. Always costing a packet!
Oh forgot to say our bridesmaids were my 2 daughters, 2 grand ds and 2 god daughters, who are all still around us with love and support.
Love Debsxxx
Cancer is sh.t life with it is not easy so shed the sh.t from your life. I know from our experience you will enjoy life better
Oh sorry Ruth dont know whats happened to my post.
Thats before I have a glass wine!
Love Debsxxx
Doesn’t it make you wonder what people are about? I mean wouldn’t you treat others ,especially friends,as you would want them to treat you. I honestly fail to understand such shallowness.
Nice young mum…lives a few houses down from me I have never spoken to her before but one day as I was crossing the road she stopped her car and said “I just want to say how nice you are looking this morning”. I was so touched by this, me having bald head and all. It doesn’t take much does it?
That’s why I just cannot understand ,as Vertangie puts it, category two friends.