I was diagnosed a year ago this coming Thursday. I had mastectomy, node clearance, chemo and rads finishing my treatment in early december. Since then I’ve had a lovely holiday with the husband and came back determined to get my life back.
Am now back at work pretty much fulltime and really trying to push through the wobbles and loss of confidence that this last year has meant for me.
I thought I was doing ok but as Thurs approaches am very weepy and upset. I feel fragile and vulnerable and rubbish and can’t seem to explain to anyone why that is. People have said to me I should be looking at how far I’ve come and from that horrible day of hearing I had cancer to be able to look back and think it’s behind me. But I don’t feel like that. I thought I did, but now I’m just thinking about every day a year ago and feel very panicky as it approaches - this time last year I felt normal, this time last year I was laughing about how silly I was to be worried about it etc.
Why, why is this?? I am getting frustrated with myself that I can’t just see this as another day in all this crap and not let it blow out of proportion.
Anyone any words of wisdom or similar feelings??
Thanks as always a loony Liz xx
No words of wisdom, I’m afraid, but I was diagnosed on exactly the same day as you. I was lucky enough to not need chemo or rads, but just had mastectomy and immediate reconstruction. I was talking about my feelings re bc with my brother in law last week who’s a psychiatrist - he said that one year is no time at all and to give myself a break about feeling down about everything that had happened. He said it was a HUGE thing to deal with, and he’s right - it IS huge. Sometimes I think I’m expected to put it all behind me now and “move on” - but I feel that it’s always going to be a part of my life now and will never go away completely. He also said - and I think he’s right - that I was grieving for my pre bc years - carefree with just the usual day to day nonsense - would love to have only that again!
I think, with time, it will get better - but one year is no time at all.
Oh Liz,your not loony,I felt the same as you,I think we are on automatic pilot at diagnosis and just do as we are told and get through the treatment etc,and some time after…pow…you sudenly realise what you have gone through and go over every detail and wonder how the time as flown by since the day you heard you had cancer…believe me,it does get easier,thinking of you,Debrax
I know how you feel - it will be a year on 4th April for me, and I’m already dreading it. You’re not silly at all, it seems we all go through the same.
Thankyou Jane for that link - I’ve just briefly read through it, and printed it off to read in full later. It really touched a nerve with me.
Will be thinking of you on Thursday Liz & Sally, and sending lots of love to you all
The article you gave a link to was superb. I had tears in my eyes because I could relate to so much but hadn’t been able to articulate it to family, friends and colleagues. I have downloaded it and think I will send to some of those so, perhaps, they can get some insight into how I am feeling.
I have had a copy of this article for a while now and I refer to it quite a lot as I find it very reassuring. Some of the ladies in my meditation group don’t have access to the internet so I’m taking a few copies to pass on tomorrow.
Hi Liz
I find myself grieving for the person that I was and the things I liked about myself. The physical strength I had, and ability to do things that I can’t do now.
I am sure the new me will be fine and I suppose it is much like getting older ,that there will be lots of things that I won’t be able to do just because i am older.
But it’s a tough thing to get to grips with and sometimes I just have to cry about it.
Also… women with low cut tops showing of their cleavages really do get up my pipe!!!
Give yourself a break, you are doing brilliantly. A year is such a short time really.
Kx
One more thing ladies - re the grieving - when my partner and I first got together, he was widowed with three children - his wife had passed away from bc, and I had been through a horrendous divorce from a violent man. I wanted to try and make him and his children happy again if I could - I grieve for that time when we were so happy again - bc came and bit me on the bum and it just SHOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED. He used to say he loved my sparkling eyes - I was just so happy to be with him, and his kids were laughing again, and mine weren’t scared of making too much noise - but the sparkle seems to have gone and I feel I have cheated him. I’m grieiving for the loss of that almost perfect time. Just wanted to get that off my real and fake chest.
Girls our bubble has burst and that is what is so frightening. Also the fear that it may burst again. I am 18 months down the line and still get very scared and have down times. All I can hope for it that time will heal and that it will get better.
Thank you so much for your wisdom and kindness as always. That article is fabulous and it really does help to not feel so alone. I think as well there is such an incredible rush of support when you first hear, and it’s quite overwhelming when you’re in shock from it all. It’s only now that it really sinks in, when you don’t have another hurdle to overcome - chemo etc and the level of support isn’t there in quite the same way.
very strange old day really!
Sallylou, it’s our cancerversary…hope you’re ok. I can’t believe what horrible luck you had. I am so sorry. Bl88dy disease.
I am trying to look back on all this as not wholly bad at the moment, which may sound a little crazy but I have found strength I didn’t know I had, in amidst all the madness obviously! Met some very inspirational women and said all those things I always mean to say to my friends and family. Also, I have bought myself a lot of shoes!
Anyhoo - thanks again, you’ve really made me feel supported.
I had my one year check up this week. It was supposed to be in three weeks time - one year on from getting my surgery results (now that was a horrible day!) but I had found a lump, which my GP was pretty certain was scar tissue so I wasn’t too bothered, but my check up was brought forward just in case. So it ended up being this week, just one year on from getting the results of the biopsy instead, so one year on from dx.
I didn’t get a mammo - at my hospital I will get one every 18 months not annually - but was prodded & poked by the surgeon, he admired his handiwork, we had a little chat about the difficulty of living with every day aches & pains, he said he wasn’t remotely concerned about the lump, & pronounced me well.
Now I hadn’t been concerned about the visit, as I have a birthday party to organise for tomorrow (youngest turns 13) and am more bothered about that, but I walked away from the hospital with an absurd grin on my face, feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I’m sure that I will have plenty more down days, but right now I’m feeling good!
Liz - my first anniversary was on valentines day so not wanting to spoil a romantic day we went to Paris for 5 days and really enjoyed ourselves. I had my first annual checkup with a mammo on wednesday and couldn’t believe that i was soooo tearful all morning - I didn’t cry at all when diagnosied or through the treatment. I really expected to be told more bad news but everything looks really good and the mammo was totally clear - i left with a big smile but couldn’t get over the tears in the morning and how it affected me
good luck