I guess I’m writing here as I don’t really know where else I can talk to people who understand.
My mum has just been diagnosed with Invasive Carcinoma (No Special Type) Grade 3, ER negative, PR negative, HER2 positive. She’s 53 and my best friend. I just cannot believe this is happening to us and I just feel so angry. Because why us? And then I think again and think why any of us? Life is so cruel.
There is never a ‘right time’ to be diagnosed with cancer. Although I feel like this has come at the worst possible time for my family. I’m 30 and I’ve just had my first child only 4 weeks ago. My little baby girl. I had the whole years maternity leave planned out - Days out with my little girl and my mum. It’s now turned into a nightmare that is going to be full of hospital treatments and chemo. How can I have the most amazing high happy moment of my life and then only 23 days later receive the worst news of my whole life?
I can’t imagine life without my mum. Every time I even think about it my heart hurts. Trying to stay strong for her and my family but it just feels impossible at the moment. M
I guess this is just a cry for help. I don’t know what to do - trying to stay positive but I just can’t.
Mum went for an MRI on Sunday I guess to see if it’s spread elsewhere. We find out the results on Thursday. I just feel sick to my stomach. It’s always just been me and my mum. We lost my nan at 63 to cancer, my grandad was 47 … to cancer and my nan on my dads side was 57 and you guessed it… to cancer! Feel like I can’t eat can’t even function - yet when I’m with mum I remain positive and act strong.
Hi @lg1206 2 questions we have all asked ourselves here. I am so sorry you are dealing with this and so soon after having a baby but I am glad you reached out. You’ve found a place full of strength and hope
It wont seem like it now but your mum finding her cancer is positive. Of course no one wants cancer but not knowing its there isnt worth thinking about. She found it and breast cancer is one of the best treated cancers. It can be very treatable. There are many brands of cancer and over time you will both get to know the details of your mums very well. At some point in the near future you will get your treatment plan and life will feel a little less scary I promise. For HER positive BC treatment is most likely to be chemotherapy first, surgery later. I believe this is because it responds very well to chemotherapy. The treatments these days are tailored so much better for us as individuals.
Your mum is likely to have needed an MRI due to still being young enough to have dense boobs. The ultrasounds and mammograms dont always record the whole picture for dense breast tissue. I do not believe MRIs are used to determine any kind of spread. There is absolutely no need to picture life without her
I am 40 years old, I have 2 teenage girls aged 13 and 15 and I got through 2 surgeries, 8 rounds of chemotherapy 2 weeks apart and then another surgery. I am managing hormone therapy and have yet another surgery ahead of me. None of that I had to deal with all at once. You take each day at a time, deal with whats infront of you. For you and for your mum dont try to climb the mountain all at once. During all my treatments I had some lovely days out and some lovely moments with my family. Life continues even if your routine has to change a little. Your mum will want to spend lots of time resting and I happen to remember from my own babies that babies are quite fond of days in snuggling especially as the weather turns. A cosy calm winter for you both. You and your mum and your baby will find your way together. She might not always feel her best or look her best but one day at a time you will get through it.
If you can have your mum log on here, there is a very supportive thread for people with the same type of cancer as your mum and they will be able to give her so much valuable help and support. Or if she is unable to then maybe you can be her messenger. I cant imagine how I would have coped without the knowledge and support of people going through the same thing as me.
Please keep your positivity going for you mum, it will 100% help her and as you see how strong she is going through treatment you will also find a new strength
I just want to say a massive thank you for taking the time to send such a lovely message it helped more than you will ever know.
I’m so sorry to hear that you are also going through it but I can sense how strong and determined you are just from your message alone.
I think I’m still digesting it all as we only found out on Wednesday last week. Just feels crazy how quick your life can be flipped upside down and it not even feel real? I look at my mum and from the outside she looks perfectly fine although I know she’s got this horrible disease within her which just breaks me.
You’re right though - I will try and take each stage as it comes rather than worrying about it all at once.
Sending you so much love and strength back
Thank you for reaching out I really appreciate your kindness
I was a couple of years older than your Mum when I was diagnosed with IDC and DCIS, HER2 positive (and ER & PR positive breast cancer) nearly 2 years ago. I had just partially retired and had plans that were well and truly scuppered!
My son was 30 and had just got married and my 26 year old daughter had moved to London to start a new role. I felt responsible for turning their lives upside down. The hardest part for me was telling them the news, followed by the uncertainty and lack of control whilst waiting for results.
Fleetingly, like you I thought ‘why me’ but soon switched to ‘why not me.’ My Dad had three different primary cancers , bladder, bowel then liver. I had jested with my sister that if one in two of us get cancer in our lifetime he’s had the share for 6 of us - but it wasn’t to be. I joined the cancer cohort on the paternal side of the family.
I decided that for me the way forward was to accept that it had happened and to focus on how fortunate I was that it had been found and that I had treatment options. There were days I felt sad and I allowed myself to wallow.
The MRI scan will give them more information about the size of the IDC. I was told that if it was less than 2cm I would have surgery first (mastectomy), but if it was 2cm or greater then chemo and targeted therapy first. As it was the scan showed that it was more extensive. The scan also flagged up something in the other breast. MRI guided biopsies of confirmed two areas of DCIS. I chuckled when I was told. Of course it would be me who had it in both. What would have been worse was finding out further down the line that it had become IDC and I’d be going through treatment again. I was very thankful that I was sent for those biopsies. When I updated my children with the news they agreed with me that they both needed to go
The chemo etc was unkind but doable. It was tiring and there were days I felt rubbish. I found joy in the small things. Time with those important to me. Loose plans so I didn’t feel guilty if I had to cancel. Walks in the countryside, chips on the seafront. Surgery was fine as was the recovery. I healed well.
I have had to have endocrine therapy. I’ve managed 13.5 months so far and I must say the side-effects are quite impactful. The chemo has addled my brain. Didn’t realise how much until I returned to work, 8 months on it has improved enormously.
HER2+ has a long treatment path. May be worth you looking at the thread @foxgem suggested. I have found it invaluable. It was reassuring seeing that others were getting through to the other side. Family members do post on it for information and support. It’s a friendly bunch.
Remember that the landscape for our cancer has changed because of Herceptin (trastuzumab). Hold onto hope and positivity. It’s been found and your Mum will be offered treatments and surgery to deal with it. It’s not always a straight path so be prepared for a twists and turns.
I’m sure she will be wanting to protect you from it all, as well you might also be wanting to protect her from how you are feeling. Sometimes we can’t find the words to convey the enormity and impact of it all. A tight hug is all that we can offer and might be all what we need.
She’s fortunate to have a kind and caring daughter supporting her. x
Hello @lg1206 We hear you. I was also 53 when I was diagnosed. Please do come on over to HER2+ and need some buddies. You and your mum will find masses of support and good information on there. I’m so sorry that you have been plunged into this nightmare just after having a baby. I hope you can feel my big virtual hug. Hopefully see you both over there so that you can meet the gang and feel that you are walking a well travelled path with friends. X
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. It honestly means a lot and has helped me so much to hear from someone in a similar position.
Thank you for helping me to understand a bit more about the reasonings for the MRI. I feel like everything has gone so fast paced that it’s sometimes hard to understand or find out what everything is for. We find out mums results tomorrow so I feel anxious and worried about what might be revealed but at least we will have a plan of action. Sometimes I think the unknown makes things worse… having a treatment plan will at least help me and mum take it step by step together.
Sorry to hear that you have also been affected by this. It really is unfair. Sending you love and big hugs! You seem a fighter Your kindness towards me has helped me so much so I can only thank you for that.
I will look into the group thank you for pointing it out to me! I am going to show my mum and get her to sign up so she can air any worries she has that she might not want to talk to me about. I know she is already trying to protect us all
Thanks again for your lovely message. I really needed it xxx
I am pleased that you’ve found my words helpful. Having been an adult child with a parent with a cancer diagnosis I remember how tough it was. There weren’t forums like this back then nor the information we have now.
Once there is a plan in place it strangely feels better. I just wanted to get on with it so wasn’t unduly worried about what was to come. I guess you go into survival mode. Head down and keep going. However being an onlooker is a hard place to be so walking beside her one step at a time is the way to go.
I hope the appointment tomorrow is informative and helpful. Write down any questions you both might have and make notes. I recall saying that I wanted to know what a needed to know at the time at each appointment. I didn’t want to be overwhelmed with ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’. Just the facts that they knew and the next part of the plan.
As @salbert said, come be one of the buddies. I read the thread for about a month before I posted. It took hours. I recall saying it was like reading a book. New characters from around the country sharing their story. Lots of humour, kindness and friendship. It played an enormous role in getting me through.
but I am glad you reached out. You’ve found a place full of strength and hope 
